Jesus. Bunnies. Babies. Family.

Easter was nearly a month ago, but I wanted to get some pictures up before we head off to our next adventure this week...

We had a few egg hunts, visited the beautiful Cantigny Park, had a visit with Mr. Easter Bunny and apparently he has a wife (who we also visited, to Claire's dismay). We ate good food, enjoyed the company of Grandpa and Gramie and even got out for a little date night while they were here.

We also colored eggs. That's an activity I have since learned from after Benjamin dumped the entire cup of pink coloring on the floor, which quickly transitioned into the next activity, cleaning. We will either be skipping that fun event in years to come or doing it outside.

Claire was overall confused with the hoopla surrounding the holiday, but had no problem finding eggs and popping crackers into her mouth like a boss. Benjamin fully enjoyed the egg finding (except when he found eggs with coins inside them. Clearly one gummy bear trumps a quarter to a 3yo). He was an expert at finding all the pink eggs at the park we visited and at home, found every one and ate the treat as he found them. Next year might be a little different when he has competition in the form of a 2yo little sister who will know better than to sit around watching him take all the treats!

Jesus. Eggs. Sugar-filled kids. Bunnies who bring gifts (and also make toddlers cry). Grandparents and lots of love. Easter 2015 down on the books.

So Much.

So much going on.

Our weekend was packed to the brim. It was a surprise 3-day weekend for us (yay!) and the weather was finally nice enough to throw open the windows and get to work.

It's mid-April, you guys. And we just now are getting outside for the first time since Claire was born 3 months ago. It was a wee bit tricky with two kids to get anything accomplished, but we successfully completed the following projects this weekend:

• Dug up darn wild onions (hopefully for good!)
• Took an axe to the tree stump in the front
• Rearranged a bunch of old wood logs and separated some to dispose of
• Moved Andrew's bulbs
• Removed old Hydrangea bushes that have not flowered since we've lived here 4 years
• Filled in some areas in our yard with soil and added grass seed
• 2 trips to the Hardware store
• Prepped a bunch of old clothes for a local resale
• Began prepping maternity clothes for another local resale
• Stained our entryway bench with 2 coats of Gel stain & 1 coat of Polycrylic
• Repaired some areas on guest room bed and put on a coat of Polyurethane
• Sold one of my many strollers on Craigslist 
• Picked up new Crate & Barrel bed
• Put up new Crate & Barrel bed
• Posted our new bed on Ebay (turns out we LOVE it, but doesn't quite work for our home. A bit too modern. We'll see. Still sleeping on it, literally).
• Posted the co-sleeper on Craigslist... inquiry already to sell this week
• Finished putting the crib together (with crib sheet!) for Claire's upcoming transition to the nursery. Sniff, sniff.
• Put out garden boxes for garden I plan to start in the next couple weeks
• Finished the 11th of 12 months in the 2013 photobook I'm creating with a goal to order by 4/30

We also did these things:

• 2 park trips
• 2 bike rides
• 3 times the toddler was allowed in our cars to explore (he loves this!)
• 1 jog each (with egg hunts hopefully counting as some decent exercise...hah!)
• 4 egg hunts
• 20+ eggs found
• 3 eggs given away to kids who didn't get any eggs
• 3 Skype sessions with MD & CA grandparents and Aunt Samantha
• 1 attempt to visit the Easter bunny at Bass Pro- Bunny wasn't there at the time.
• 2 Easter bunnies examined by a 2-year old who loves characters
• 2 dinners with friends
• 1 Easter service at church (Claire's first service ever!)
• 2 children taken out of service for being too loud (3 if you count our friends next to us taking out their 2-year old!)
• 2 Easter baskets filled and enjoyed
• 2 pancakes made with bunny and duck sprinkles 
• 2 out of 3 nights Claire slept through the night
• Lots of chocolate consumed
• Lots of hugs and kisses 
• Lots of smiles and coos from a sweet little 3-month old
• Many tissues used from wiping snot (gah! Claire's first cold! And Benjamin's 400th!)
• 6 eggs not dyed on the weekend (some mom forgot to hardboil them!) but dyed this morning.
• 2 eggs cracked in the process
• 4 out of 4 cups of dye spilled everywhere
• 1 shirt stained
• 4 hands dyed blue
• 1 ruined dishtowel
• 1 amazing weekend with 1 amazing husband and 2 amazing kids
• 1 of our children always missed...

This boy loves characters. We might just do Disney in October. Claire was generally underwhelmed.

1st of 4 egg hunts. It was over in no more than 3 minutes.

These kids get hooked up. Two sets of awesome grandparents plus parent goods make for awesome baskets.

Bed we're not sure works for us...but love it, bunny boy & opening a book that was given to Dad by his grandparents when he was two! I am a Bunny... Benjamin loved it. We read it 3x to him in a row.

Andrew's bulbs moved and I LOVE the space near our front door. Bunny taking a ride and the mess of dying eggs.

The before/after of the entryway bench I finished this weekend (bought before Claire was born and weather hasn't been nice or time ample until now to finish it with stain) & a pretty little lady who was worth all that stalling on the bench project.

Easter

We waited in a line of 40+ people with their kids to put Benjamin on a complete stranger's lap (in a bunny suit) for approximately 25 seconds.

And this is the result of our wasted time efforts. A kid who could care less about sitting on said stranger's lap.

We felt B would be cheated without a bunny picture or something. And I guess we should be a little festive, right?

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That was last week. This weekend was no. fun. We were all sick and I changed no fewer than 8 vomited-on crib sheets. But somehow, Benjamin managed to be cuter than ever, super snugly  and lots of fun at the first park visit of the season. Between both sets of grandparents and some wonderful local friends (and a thing or two from us... but this kid now officially has more toys than a toy store!), Benjamin had two Easter baskets. The main basket was at home and he took to it quite well. Later in the afternoon, we went over to a friend's house and they gave him a second Easter basket. #spoiledbaby

{This post would be more exciting, except I'm tired, feeling crappy, hungry, and still dealing with ridding my house of the smell of vomit. Also, stressed. Seeing my baby sick is so miserable and hard on my grief.}

Celebrate or Contemplate?

Went to church this morning. We actually contemplated not going. Ray asked me, "So... we going to church tomorrow?" I looked at him and answered with a sigh, "Well, it is Easter."

Easter. It's a holiday, but to Christians it's kind of a big deal. Logically we'd attend service on the day people who don't even regularly attend church actually attend! But we actually had to think about it. Do we have it in ourselves to get up, get dressed {boycotting the Easter dress, however} and walk inside the walls of a place that usually makes us cry so much? Knowing we don't have our little boy to dress in a cute sweater-vest that still hangs in his closet clean and ready? Knowing we'll see other little boys and girls holding Easter eggs and wearing the cutest clothes picked out perfectly for them?

We went. Our favorite speaker was there and the music was fantastic. Nevermind that I couldn't sing the words because I was concentrating on holding back the floodgates. My mind was a bit like this during the entire service:

Jesus. Cross. Babies. Little boys in cute bowties. Sins. Forgiven. Risen. Easter eggs. Baskets. Andrew. Savior. The Christ. My son. My little boy. My little Andrew not here.

It's hard. Really, really hard. I was crying for most of the second half when I was finally able to knock out some of those sad thoughts about all the wonderful things we'd be doing if our son was with us today. We'd be walking to church while pushing our baby boy in his stroller-- him smiling, laughing... us smiling, laughing and actually happy. I've all but forgotten what that feels like to be genuinely happy and content.

Despite crying through most of today's message, it was one of the best Easter messages I've heard in my life-- out of all 28 of them. The speaker asked if we were there today to celebrate or contemplate. If we were there to celebrate the Risen Lord, or if we were there to contemplate our relationship with Him in our time of struggle. Knowing that many people visit churches on Easter to check the box for their 2 services a year, I'm used to similar messages on this day. Are you here as a "believer", or are you here because you are not and struggle today in finding that balance and relationship. But this message struck me differently. First, I believe you can have both at the same time. Who says you can't believe there is a God who loves you, but struggle with your relationship?

I both celebrate and contemplate. I celebrate the belief I have in Christ who has given his life for me eternally, and I contemplate the state of my being knowing that there is a Christ who loves me greatly and is indeed a source of comfort, but did not save my baby boy from death. I've come to the realization, or is it revelation, that it wasn't God's fault that Andrew died, but I still have a hard time being thankful for the rest of my life since the one thing that meant the most (aside from my husband) was taken. I have a ton to be thankful for, and therefore celebrate, but I have a gaping hole of sadness there reminding me that life can really suck.

The speaker told us about a church his friend pastors that ran an interesting campaign this Easter Sunday. They posted a space for those in the congregation/audience to write about their contemplations-- the messes they have in their lives. The areas in their lives that are causing them to contemplate rather than celebrate during this Easter season. For a few reasons I found this intriguing: I love the idea of raising awareness (reasons we shouldn't hide the reality of our babies dying from others to "save" them from sadness), opening up to support from others and allowing people to free themselves from internal sadness/frustrations. It's not good to keep all that inside. The project is called Beautiful Mess and it looks a bit like this:

He went on to speak about the messes people shared: adultery, divorce, Alzheimer's, hospitalized children (cue floodgates). They were open and unguarded because they did not have to attach their names to their mess. They were uninhibited. I loved that. It reminded me that others struggle and we are not alone in dealing with grief.

Needless to say, I cried during that portion of the service. Not only because he shared some of the messes people revealed through the website, but also because I have my own mess. For the first time in my 28 years, I would actually write something down in that box and hit that "submit" button. I have a mess. And because I have a mess, I am a mess. I would say that it is, however, a beautiful mess. Because of Andrew, I found that part of my heart that can love this much. He caused quite the mess-- quite the beautiful mess in my life.

While I'd love to turn the clock back in my life to a time when I felt genuine happiness, I'd never erase my son from our story. He's far too precious.

So today... on this Easter day... I celebrate the life of Christ and the life of my son for every day that he lived within me. I also contemplate as I remember this beautiful mess I'm living. Today and everyday. 

Spring in Illinois

We have had some amazing weather lately. It's been so amazing that I've even broken out the shorts. I know. Incredible, right?

In other news, this weather has brought springtime. Animals are out and flowers are blooming rapidly. Since this is my first real springtime, it's been a real joy to witness the gorgeous landscape as the snow is gone and the bright colors appear. It's also pretty cool owning those beautiful flowers.

Here is some animal fun for you. Can you spot the squirrel in these photos?

Terrible, terrible photo... but the beautiful birds are out, too.

This is basically our backyard. If you take the trail from our backyard about 1/4 mile, you find this (and about 4-5 others within a 5-minute walk. We LOVE this area.

We've also seen quite a few of these critters...

And for the blooming flowers. This tree has massive amounts of red buds on the ends that I love waking up to every morning (taken from the master bedroom window).

A series of lovely flowers on our property... (our deck in the background)

There's proof that I was wearing shorts!

Underneath trees...

Rose bush buds coming out for springtime

Here's a happy little bird. And yes, we have that fire hydrant on our property. Our house will never burn down.

And for Easter... here's our decor outside on that red-blooming tree in our front yard...

Happy Easter!!!