Full Circle

This is just one of the series of birthday week posts, but I felt like it deserved its own.

This day is big, you guys. Remember this post last year?

Huge. Monumental. It's the day we brought one of our babies home for the very first time. It was magical. On the way home, I snapped about a hundred photos of Benjamin staring confused about his new surroundings that didn't involve bright lights and alarms everywhere like the NICU. Just the flash of the camera as we drove away with excitement and adrenaline fueling us.

We cried on the way home as we talked about how it felt like we were being followed home by the NICU nurses we fought so hard to release our baby. How the feeling was so surreal and bringing home one of our children was all we'd dreamed about for nearly two years.

We arrived home and fed Benjamin, swaddled him, and laid him on our bedroom floor as we took turns staring at him and switching off to feverishly tear apart the nursery that was left in shambles from when we lost Andrew. We didn't want to count our chickens that Benjamin would be coming home with us, so we had a lot to do to make things functional.

We were exhausted, but wanted to soak in every moment of this baby. He brought so much love with him and we needed it all. We need it all.

Tonight at 6:30 p.m., we celebrate. With champagne. Benjamin will celebrate with a sippy cup of milk. 

Quick Jaunt to The Cheese State

These business travel bits are getting a bit more challenging with a crawling monster on my hands, but I do love to get away. It might be the winter that makes it all the more challenging, but we bundled up and pressed on, heading to Wisconsin's capital city of Madison. I think it's funny that we're closer to Wisconsin's capital than we are to Illinois' capital. Anyway... we headed north 2.5 hours for a short trip, which meant waking up at 4:45 a.m. to make it in time for the husband's early meeting. B was confused, but managed to sleep in the car and napped like a champ both days. A few snippets of our adventure, along with things I've learned while traveling to Madison with an almost 1-year old.

Three-wheeled strollers are not all-terrain. They do not handle thick slushy snow well.
Oh man. I was totally pushing through what felt like quicksand up a hill. A wonderful university student came to my aid, but I managed to {wo}man up and make it happen.

Target is a great place to go early in the morning when you can't yet check into your hotel room.
Not like I needed another reason to visit a Target, but I definitely walked the aisles and loaded up on lemonade, mac 'n' cheese, a new hat for B (since the 5+ he already has aren't enough), and signed up for a Target RedCard Debit. Why hadn't I done that before? Random tidbit for you Target lovers... did you know you get $.05 off your total for each reusable bag you use? And with the Target RedCard, you get 5% off all purchases and it's not a credit card-- just comes directly out of your debit account.

Target almost always has a Starbucks inside, which is also a great place to feed a kiddo breakfast.
Hello empty seating, warm oatmeal (and anything else I want to feed him available in the store!), and warm beverages! And, they even have cart wipes that you can double as disinfecting wipes for high chairs and tables fo' free!

Oversized dressing rooms are the bomb-dot-com with a crawling baby. The space under the door where they can crawl out? Not so bomb.
I heart Anthropologie, the two dresses I bought from there, the customer service, free shipping if ordered in store (for things they carry online but are out of in-store), and now their dressing rooms. Going to a wedding in Dallas next weekend and Mama needed a new dress (or two).

Didn't buy that dress (afraid the $120 gold pieces would fray easily), but bought this one & this one & wanted this one, but they were sold out in my size in the entire Midwest. I checked.

Thrift stores in hippie neighborhoods are the best.
I'm not talking Goodwill, though I've found a few scores there myself. I'm talking those little joints that only sell high-end clothes and are really picky about their merchandise. I scored a designer belt for only $2.50. Later I realized it was lacking a tiny metal stud that I think a trip to Michael's will fix. There is a reason it was so cheap. I just love exploring those little gems.

You can order a side of meatballs (or any protein) on the cheap to feed your bambino at Noodles & Co.
It's getting to the point where he's not quite ready for a kid's meal order, but eats a bit too much for us to share with him. Sort of depends on the meal. I'm also a spicy-food lover, and I don't like compromising my fave flavors because the nugget can't handle the heat. Or peanuts. Because my fave dish at Noodles is the Indonesian Peanut Saute... and we haven't quite graduated to peanut status yet. For about $2.50ish, you can get 5 meatballs, which is perfect for the little person.

Even though he wasn't ready for a kid's meal, he got one anyway at Panera Bread. 
His first ever kid's meal was a ham & cheese sandwich with a squeezable organic yogurt that he sucked down at a rapid pace. He ate about 3/4 of the sandwich. The tank is still at it.

Nepalese food is indeed delicious.
The 'burbs of Chicago lack interesting food. I've stopped counting how many brewpubs there are here. Not that I dislike brewpubs, but you have to sell food that's off the beaten path in order for me to differentiate you from Burger King. Most do not. Madison is a large university town that's lively with lots of young people who also have hippie tendencies. Hippies are often vegetarian. I am vegetarian and a little hippie. Therefore, I like big, hippie, granola, liberal, university towns. We ate at a place that gets fab reviews on Yelp, but I was only slightly disappointed at the entree portions. I'm sort of a fat kid when it comes to food and while I'd love to subscribe to the whole ideal of eat until you're content, I just can't. I'll be starving 3 hours later because vegetarian fare is just not as filling. B seemed to enjoy the grub as well. I think he's partial to hippies.

Hotels that favor business guests tend to have pools that no one swims in during the day.
A win for us! Both times we enjoyed the pool, we had it all to ourselves. Which is super for the mom who packed her triangle top bikini that fit really well in college and before she started breastfeeding. Looks like my go-to J.Crew triangle top might be retired soon. Either that, or someone else will need to hold the kid who yanks and tugs at it while in the pool.

Trying to both complete the Shred in a hotel room and with a baby who is awake is close to impossible.
Definitely not the best workout of the 30 days as B couldn't understand why we didn't want him crawling all over us during our ab exercises. He wanted in on the action, obviously. He was probably thinking... man. My mom feeds me butter and high-fat everything. I really have to sign myself up for a Shred soon. Day 28 today. A full recap of the craziness to come in a week or so.

It's getting harder and harder to sleep in the same room as the B-man at night. 
He is a mover all. night. long. I am an incredibly light sleeper and woke up to every twist and turn he made, despite him being in the far corner of the room and having an iPhone noise app to try and drown out the sound. He even cried out briefly a couple times, which I am certain he does in his own room at night, but the walls separating us prevent me from being alarmed when he's merely dreaming or waking startled before falling back to sleep. I cherish, love, adore, admire, covet suites or extra large bathrooms for the pack 'n' play.

When you have to check out of a hotel before the husband is done with meetings, libraries are a fun, free, and educational place to go, especially when it's snowing heavily outside.
Usually, I attempt to find an indoor mall to walk around when it's either too hot or too cold and we have no where else to go. The mall, unfortunately, was about 8 miles away. Sixteen miles round-trip in the sloshy, slippery snow in a town I'm unfamiliar with? No thanks. We grabbed lunch after late checkout and headed to the library to read suck on books and explore their sensory and educational zone geared entirely to young people. Better than the mall where he'd be stuck in the stroller. I'm the genius mom who forgot diapers and wipes in the car... only to of course need said diapers and wipes and have to schlep the kid in the sloshy snow multiple times to remedy the situation. While at the library, we met another mom who had her 13-month old daughter with her and was actually there killing time while her other daughter (2 years old, of course) was in preschool. We chatted a bunch and I was quite fond of her Patagonia and North-Face wearing self and almost wanted to drive 2.5 hours to hang out with her, you know... while her 2-year old was in school, obvi. Except, no. That's silly. Of course I meet people I like in other states.

Another adventure down. Next weekend stop, Dallas! Plans are in the works and we're pretty sure we'll get to meet a pretty fabuloso BLM, her husband and big boy, Finn! Can't wait!

Road Trips with Le Bebe: Travel Series Part III

{Domestic} Flying with Le Bebe: Travel Series Part I 
{International} Flying with Le Bebe: Travel Series Part II 

Here it is. The final post to the series I meant to complete within a couple weeks. It's only dragged out a few months, but who's counting? I feel like this one should be a ton shorter because most of us with small kids have already taken some kind of driving trip and know what works for them. I'll just post some tips of things we've done on our multiple 8+ hours road trips with the B-man.

Things to pack the car with:

• You're inevitably going to pack way too much. You'll give yourself concessions like, we'll have enough space, or but what if we need it? Listen. You're driving. There will be stores. You don't have to pack as light as you would on a plane trip, but remember that you will be schlepping all the extra shirts you packed just in case up to that hotel room. And, you'll be unpacking it. The worst part.
• Water. I know that my own advice of saying there will be stores along the way sounds like it contradicts this, but water is necessary because, who wants to stop when the baby is finally asleep after crying just because you're thirsty? And to risk a wakeup? 
• Snacks. For you and the nugget. We pack granola bars, chocolate (obviously) and trail mix for ourselves. Benjamin takes the same snacks as he does for plane rides: Goldfish, puffs, squeeze packs, Cheerios... typical kid snack fare.
• Toys. We have a random toy hanging from the roof handle thing for B to pull on whenever he wants and toys strewn everywhere. I have a friend who plans before trips to take away some toys her son already owns a couple weeks before the trip so he can be reunited with them on the road trip. Kind of clever. For somewhat older kids, I saw a fun idea on Pinterest to create paper bags for kids to open each hour with random activities they are required to do. Sort of like a car obstacle course or scavenger hunt. Growing up, my parents bought us tackle boxes (like for fishing) and filled them with fun snacks, coloring books, word games, etc. This was before the hand-held video games and Walkman came out. Yes, I said Walkman. Don't act like you didn't have one.
• Not so much packing, but wearing. Wear comfy clothes. I usually put B in a one-piece outfit or feet pajamas so he's nice and cozy and nothing is pushing on his belly like elastic from pants.

During your car ride:

• Logically, you should leave around a normal naptime, if possible. It always helps that B is good and tired before we leave.
• Make sure there was play time before the car ride begins. Transferring a kid from their bed to a carseat with no wiggle room is a recipe for disaster!
• If older, talk with your kids. Make traveling a game and make it fun. Teach them how to read maps and about the places you're driving through. Play math games aloud. One of my favorites from teaching that I would often use if we were standing in line waiting for something (cafeteria, assembly, etc.) was to start with a number and continue from there. Ex: Start with the number of eggs in a dozen. Subtract the number of feet you have. Add the number of people in the car... etc.)
• But since most of us aren't dealing with older kids, let's just hope they sleep. Hah. We play music and sing with B and I often sit back with him and play with him-- counting, singing, clapping, etc.
• Minimize the stops for gas, snacks, etc. Plan ahead with a full tank of gas and all you could need in the snack department. 
• With that said, take a long lunch break, depending on your distance. We usually spend at least 1.5 hours at lunch allowing B to roam a bit, stretch out, eat, bathroom breaks for us, etc. 
• If your child is still in an infant carseat/carrier and you want them to sleep, I've found that covering their carseat with a breathable blanket (and leaving breathing room, too) can get them to fall asleep because there is little/no stimulation.

Okay, that's all I've got. I'm sure there's more, but for the most part, I think we are all in a groove with traveling with our kids and knowing their personal needs. B is much happier being able to see out in his convertible carseat than he was in the infant carrier, so we've been smooth sailing for awhile now. You may not believe it, but he was an absolute GEM driving eight hours straight from both Pittsburgh and Toronto in October and November. 

I liked writing these because it's a log of how we traveled with Benjamin and I think it will be fun to read back on as the years progress out of babyhood. 

Anyone else have any fun tips? We're always off somewhere, so we could use your ideas, too!

{International} Flying with Le Bebe: Travel Series Part II

{Domestic} Flying with Le Bebe: Travel Series Part I

Clearly, I'm not good at these series posts. But, I have had this on the whiteboard for an obscene amount of time, and the post is definitely overdue.

We last flew international with le munchkin around 8 months old in September. We'll be traveling again in March when we escape the end of winter in Chicago for four nights in an ocean view room on St. Kitts! I sure hope they have a big bathroom for the pack 'n' play.

Let's get started.

Airplane must haves:

• Snacks - puffs, crackers, Cheerios, graham crackers, goldfish, B's new favorite crunchy green bean snack, {insert here whatever your kid like for a snack} or squeeze packs are what we use (Happy Baby, Ella's Kitchen, Gerber Organics, Plum Organics) + bib. 
• Food: If on solids, food is a must, unless you're paying for your kid's seat. Under 1 year is tax-only. It was roughly $100 for B to travel to Germany and will be another $100 for St. Kitts. Over plan on this one. Oatmeal is a good meal with a mix-in because it's filling and hot water can be found on all airplanes... thank you flight attendants! Any food that doesn't need to be refrigerated is your best bet. Don't forget the utensils, either!
• Nursing cover & Aden & Anais blanket (used also as padding for a sleeping baby and cover to darken things up a bit on bright airplanes.
• Boppy pillow. If you aren't lucky enough to have an extra seat or bulkhead seating, you'll really want a pillow for the baby to sleep on. It will also take the strain off little limbs kicking and jabbing you.
• Change of clothes. Maybe even multiple. For an overnight flight to Europe, we dressed B in feet pajamas, but honestly, planes are dry and the temperature isn't predictable. Feet pajamas are always a good idea!
• Passports & baby boarding pass. This is required. Babies are required their own pass, even if they are a lap child. See the ticket desk once you get to the airport for printing this.
• About 5 toys. Though honestly, B really likes wrappers from snacks (texture!) that come free on many flights. We bring Sassy A-Z letter links, iPhone/iPad with kid apps, {insert whatever your kid likes to play with that is small & able to be sanitized-- in case it falls... ick!}
• 3 Clorox wipes to wipe down all things babies like to touch. {read: everything} I put these in a Ziploc.
• Ergo carrier: Hit or miss on this one. I'd say it's good for kids around 6 months and younger, but it could be very valuable if you have no free seat and they'll sleep on your chest.
• Diapers, wipes, Ziploc bag (I stuff all of this in here and LOVE this thing. I don't even use a diaper bag anymore because this is amazing. It slips into my purse and goes everywhere with me.)

Airport must haves:

• Lightweight stroller with carseat adaptor to snap in so you don't have to carry it! {gate check item} 
• Stroller bag - we have one because the workers aren't exactly careful with our expensive strollers. {gate check item}
• Carseat {gate check item} B is onto a convertible seat now, but he can use his infant carseat until 32lbs. It's easiest to travel with that as it does snap into the stroller, but if not, gate checking the carseat is a really great idea if you did not purchase a seat for the baby. However, they will gate check it for you if you would prefer to not check it.
• Ergo carrier because sometimes the baby doesn't dig the stroller
• Carry-on backpack: All those airplane must-haves from above are stuffed in our carry-on backpack that always houses our laptop, iPad, chargers, JJ Cole diaper pod, toys, nursing cover, blanket, snacks, clorox wipes, wallet, etc.

The great thing about those gate check items is that they can all be consolidated for airport walking. We throw everything in the stroller and are usually only left with baby in the Ergo and wearing a backpack. It's actually easier walking around airports with all that stuff than it is without it because the wheels make it super convenient!

Always bright. Impossible. to. sleep!

Recommendations for before and in-flight:

• Babies require their own boarding passes. This is very important and needs to be printed out at the airport ticket desk. No more iPhone scanning of your boarding pass or printing at home. At least for the freebie first two years. You can still print yours, but they'll be re-printing them at the airport anyway... so why bother? You can check-in online early still, however. For international travel with a lap child (airline terminology), babies aren't entirely free as you must pay taxes. They usually run you around $100.
• Babies also require identification. A passport is required. Allow TONS of time to get this in the mail when ordering one. We had B's snapshot done at Walgreen's, but anywhere will do. And bonus: you have the most adorable passport ever.
• Make sure the international customs people stamp that passport. Sometimes they don't and it makes me sad. Are you listening, border patrol in Canada? Hmph.
• Before boarding, consult the flight desk for potential seat change if the flight isn't full. You might get lucky and be moved to a row without someone next to you! That extra seat can be invaluable. While you're there, ask about tags for your gate check items {stroller, stroller adaptor, stroller bag, carseat} that are required before boarding. This is SO important for international travel. You might get lucky and receive bulkhead, but if that's already taken, you could ask for movement to allow for a seat for the baby. Now, you aren't paying, so don't be rude. You're not entitled to such luxuries, but note that they usually are very nice and already upgrade people to bulkhead who have small children. We've had both bulkhead and a free seat during an international flight. Honestly, while bulkhead is super cool because you have access to the bassinet, the extra seat was WAY cooler to us. B slept between us and it was just perfect. When we had bulkhead, B didn't sleep in the bassinet more than an hour because the bright lights overhead were way different than his blackout shades at home. ;) No amount of blankets can black out an airplane, sadly. 
• Allow for lots of movement before the flight, especially if you have a crawler/walker on your hands.
• Change diaper before flight. Airplanes are small and accommodations are minimal. Getting at least one diaper out of the way is smart thinking.
• Boarding: they'll allow you to board early for international because you are a family, but considering you probably checked the majority of your luggage, having more roaming time in the airport for little people is so much more valuable... at least to us. We board later because we already have plenty of time on the plane.
• Have all your items accessible from your chair. That's why we bring a backpack as our all-in-one for B items and our in-flight snacks, etc.
• Wipe down your area immediately with anti-bacterial wipes. Babies aren't patient.
• Once doors to cabin are closed, scan the area for empty seats. If you have a seat partner, they probably don't want to sit with you because babies = invasion of space and noisy. Either try to relocate their seat for them or try to move yourself. It helps if you're extremely nice to the flight attendants. We did this on our flight back from Germany. There were plenty of empty seats and we kindly asked the window seat partner if he wouldn't mind moving up one row. There was no one sitting in the middle seat in that row either and we'd all have more room. He kindly obliged. But like a true German, he didn't want to break any rules... we insisted he was fine and he moved. Best. flight. decision. ever.
• Try to hold out feeding until the flight takes off. I try to breastfeed during takeoff and landing, but honestly, it almost never happens. B has never reacted poorly during this time, thankfully. I mostly recommend holding off because it's a perfect activity to occupy the little one during flight time.
• Drink cocktails? Okay, so really, long flights are enough to make a parent want to hyperventilate. The thought of your kid who might not always be so angelic being within just inches of complete strangers for MANY, MANY hours? Enough to drive you to drink. And lucky you. There are drinks available. Get a European airline like Lufthansa, and the wine is free! Cheers to that. And your neighbors will appreciate the free drinks, too. 
• You could also do this: 

If you're lucky enough to get bulkhead:

• Thank your lucky stars. That's some prime treatment. Not only does your kid get a bassinet that hangs from the wall, but you get extra leg room! And a place for the kid to move around!
• Flight attendants will secure the bassinet once the plane is at cruising altitude. 
• Have cover blankets ready. It's never dark enough. Ever. Especially if they take 2 hours to turn off cabin lights for an overnight flight. Not that this has ever happened to us. Le sigh.
• Store all luggage above. That's the downside to bulkhead. No where under the seat to store your crap.
• Strap the kiddo in for take-off and landing. Not all airlines require it, but most European airlines do. You might as well practice safe travel and do it anyway. Wrangling a kid during takeoff and landing sounds like loads of fun otherwise.
• Make nice with your seat partners. They most likely also have a small kiddo. The downside? If your kid does miraculously fall asleep in the bassinet, the other kid probably won't. Because that's how luck would have it. They might be loud enough to wake your kid, too. Most likely. 

If you have an empty seat for the kiddo:

• Thank your lucky stars. Also, if booze aren't free, offer to buy your former neighbor (who moved so you could have this luxury) a drink. If no one moved, buy yourself a drink. It will be a long flight.
• Still use the seatbelt. Especially if you fall asleep, it's important that they don't fall out of their seat. You don't need any reason to upset them or the seat partners around you. Falling = massive baby tears.
• Invest in some kid-sized noise-cancelling headphones. We don't have them, but if we ever take another flight that far, we just may need them. 

On dealing with jetlag:

• Once you arrive at your intended destination, wait until the local nighttime to sleep. This is very important. Do what you can to stay awake... and keep your baby awake, until at least 8 p.m., local time. 
• Follow regular bedtime procedures with your child. Try to make things as familiar as possible.

And remember, traveling is a luxury. An expensive one with quite the price tag, but one that is to be enjoyed! You will lose sleep. You'll probably have to deal with a screaming baby from time to time. Naptime will probably go out the window as soon as you leave your house. Relax a little and know that once you're home, things will get back on track. Try to enjoy your limited time away. Happy & Safe Travels!

{Domestic} Flying with Le Bebe: Travel Series Part I

Hi friends, we're back. For like 5 minutes. We'll be out of town more days this month than we'll be home, so the luggage isn't being put away quite yet.

Since B has now been on 10 flights, including a round-trip adventure across the Atlantic, I feel like I should be sharing some of my tips. Because I think domestic is considerably different than flying internationally, I'll create this post in two installments and maybe add a post about road trips, too.

First things first. Much of this applies to all travel, even without a little nugget in tow. We are pretty efficient packers because we've done this a time or two and know that there's nothing more frustrating than schlepping a bunch of stuff you didn't use back with you. I have a list of things I always pack for domestic travel and then things that are essential for the airport and airplane. My personal items aren't as important... but I found that creating a list of every. single. thing we need to pack makes things much easier. It's a checklist that goes right down to my tweezers. Cuts packing time in half not having to go from room to room and up and down the stairs dozens of times because I forgot to pack hair ties or something. We also live by the mentality that wherever you go, there will be stores as well. So if I forget razors? Don't sweat the small stuff. This rule, however, does not always apply internationally. That's for another day and post.

Airplane must haves:

• Snacks - puffs or squeeze packs are what we use (Happy Baby, Ella's Kitchen, Gerber Organics, Plum Organics) + bib
• Nursing cover & Aden & Anais blanket (used also as padding for a sleeping baby and cover to darken things up a bit on bright airplanes
• About 3 toys. Though honestly, B really likes wrappers from snacks (texture!) that come free on many flights. We bring Sassy A-Z letter links, iPhone with kid apps, Wubbanub (that is now only used as play because B discovered his thumb is way more convenient), and Sophie. However, Sophie decided she wanted to take a permanent vacation to Boston and be buried with some of our founding fathers. She hasn't been seen since halfway through that trip. I can only assume B decided to dropkick her out of the stroller.
• 3 Clorox wipes to wipe down all things babies like to touch. {read: everything} I put these in a Ziploc.
• Ergo carrier: Hit or miss on this one. Sometimes he'll be worn sitting down but now that he's more mobile, that happens less and less.
• 3 Diapers, wipes, change of onesie, Ziploc bag (I stuff all of this in here and LOVE this thing. I don't even use a diaper bag anymore because of this amazing thing. It slips into my purse and goes everywhere with me.)

Airport must haves:

• Lightweight stroller with carseat adaptor to snap in so you don't have to carry it! {gate check item}
• Stroller bag - we have one because the workers aren't exactly careful with our expensive strollers. {gate check item} Just saw this coming home from Germany and the couple with a very expensive European stroller arrived at ORD with a broken piece off their stroller. 
• Carseat {gate check item} 
• Ergo carrier because sometimes the baby doesn't dig the stroller
• Carry-on backpack: All those airplane must-haves from above are stuffed in our carry-on backpack that always houses our laptop, iPad, chargers, JJ Cole diaper pod, toys, nursing cover, blanket, snacks, clorox wipes, wallet, etc.

The great thing about those gate check items is that they can all be consolidated for airport walking. We throw everything in the stroller and are usually only left with baby in the Ergo and wearing a backpack. It's actually easier walking around airports with all that stuff than it is without it because the wheels make it super convenient!

We're also the type to plan out exact numbers of outfits and skip out on checking bags unless absolutely necessary. For domestic flights, we almost never check a bag. I understand that it's more difficult with all that baby luggage and a baby to avoid this, but we prefer to skip out because it's a time saver, to prevent any disasters from happening to our bag, and because it's kind of nice having all of your stuff with you at all times. If two of you are traveling, one person can handle the carry-on luggage while the other pushing the stroller and holds baby in the Ergo. For multiple children, I am of no assistance at this time. Hah.

Recommendations for before and in-flight:

• Babies require their own boarding passes. This is very important and needs to be printed out at the airport ticket desk. No more iPhone scanning of your boarding pass or printing at home. At least for the freebie first two years. You can still print yours, but they'll be re-printing them at the airport anyway... so why bother? You can check-in online early still, however. It makes no difference though, really, even while flying Southwest because you still get to board early no matter what group you're in.
• Babies also require identification. B has a passport, but a birth certificate is required to verify age otherwise.
• Before boarding, consult the flight desk for potential seat change if the flight isn't full. You might get lucky and be moved to a row without someone next to you! That extra seat can be invaluable. While you're there, ask about tags for your gate check items {stroller, stroller adaptor, stroller bag, carseat} that are required before boarding.
• Allow for lots of movement before the flight. 
• Change diaper before flight. Airplanes are small and accommodations are minimal.
• Boarding: either board during family boarding time, or wait until the very end. You want to minimize the amount of time you spend on the airplane, especially when it's not moving yet! If Southwest or with a carry-on that doesn't fit under your seat, board during family time. If your bags are checked and you have assigned seats, there's really no need to board immediately as you don't need overhead compartment space and there's considerably more room for a squirmy baby outside of an airplane. Your seatmates will appreciate the gesture as well.
• Have all your items accessible from your chair. That's why we bring a backpack as our all-in-one for B items and our in-flight snacks, etc.
• Wipe down your area immediately with anti-bacterial wipes. Babies aren't patient.
• Once doors to cabin are closed, scan the area for empty seats. If you have a seat partner, they probably don't want to sit with you because babies = invasion of space and noisy. Either try to relocate their seat for them or try to move yourself. It helps if you're extremely nice to the flight attendants.
• Try to hold out feeding until the flight takes off. I try to breastfeed during takeoff and landing, but honestly, it almost never happens. B has never reacted poorly during this time, thankfully. I mostly recommend holding off because it's a perfect activity to occupy the little one during flight time.
• Make sure baby has on socks, pants, and at least a hoodie or long sleeved shirt. Temperature control is so impossible on planes!

We love traveling and would hyperventilate at the thought of leaving him want to instill that spirit of adventure in B. And knock on wood... but B has never been sick and his first flight was at 6 weeks of age! He's flu shot ready and what can I say? When adventure calls... we go!

Did I miss anything, my fellow jet-setters? I am still writing this while jet-lagged, after all.

It's Thursday. A Random Post to Finish the Week.

Had a conversation today. Not that I don't have those everyday, but the kind that made me explain things about my dead son that I usually try to avoid with the random folks.

I was making sure a child didn't go nuts observing a child in gym today and another woman was in there with her equally interesting caseload. As we managed to dodge balls being flung at our heads for 20 minutes, we chatted. I asked her if she wanted the rest of my Kit Kat because I have serious issues with eating sweets while pregnant. The scale validated my concern at my last OB appt. Super. Fat Brandy is in full force. Anyway, I asked her if she wanted my chocolate. Nope, she's allergic. Totally unrelated to what I'm getting at here, but it was part of our conversation and I had to feel a little sorry for her inability to consume something that is practically a food group in my house.

I'm definitely showing through my clothes now and it's nearly impossible to hide like I've been doing pretty well for the last 5 months. I've given up and just threw on a maternity shirt today without the added jacket or pullover I usually add to the wardrobe to avert the crisis of having to explain that I am, in fact, pregnant. Like I'm a 16-year old teenager in high school who made a big mistake one evening or something. No, I'm a 29-year old woman who is happily married. In any culture, pregnancy is acceptable and welcomed to someone like me. But instead I've spent 5 months trying to hide myself. Today, I was over it. The game is over and I probably had about 20 kids ask me if I am pregnant today. And to all 20, I replied that I was. They were all excited. It was a weird experience. Of course they are. Why wouldn't they be? The subsequent question is always about the gender and if we've chosen a name. I pretend as though we don't have one chosen. We do... but until we are comfortable speaking it aloud, we aren't sharing.

Back to gym class and the stranger standing next to me. She asked if this was my first. Normally, I say no and just leave it be. What does it matter to explain things further if I'll never see her again? But then, something happened. Her eyes lit up and she grew excited about him and how this will be my second-- a second boy! I couldn't wait for the next, inevitable age question to follow, so I went right ahead and whispered that he died. The usual, "I'm so sorry" remarks ensued as I spent the next minute explaining that my son does not make me sad and that I am comfortable telling her about him. She apologized for assuming that all was well and I had to, once again, explain that it was okay that she asked. It's important people know that although rare, children sometimes don't come home from the hospital.

Otherwise, I've been a cooking machine over here. I recently made a few recipes I pinned on Pinterest. All of them were fantastic! I am finding that a creative outlet is really helping this pregnancy. I need something to take my mind off gestating and all the possibilities of disaster that could occur. I still feel daily movement, so for now, we still have this little guy on board. Thankful. And getting more plump by the second-- partially from my new creative outlet and Halloween candy, but also from this growing little body!

Before sharing my latest recipes, I'll explain Halloween. I spent the afternoon hours driving around to various stores and places I needed to run errands at. But after awhile and two Targets later, I needed to get home and make dinner. I managed to avoid 80% of the trick-or-treaters and definitely avoided the families that normally tote their cute littles around in wagons and drink their beers from coozies. That, I definitely needed to avoid. For all I know, they may very well have avoided me too. Instead, we got the tail-end of jerky high school kids who should really be home doing their homework and not begging adults for trinkets and pieces of candy they don't really need. But anyway... successful, I guess. Links to recipes are below.

Baked, vegetarian spring rolls and Southwestern baked spring rolls

I also made a toasted ancho-chile sauce for enchiladas, homemade tzatziki (incredible), and Lebanese Beef for homemade gyros. I made some falafel from a box and it turned out a bit dry, but otherwise tasty as well.

Random for Thursday, but it's all I could muster up. Sometimes that just has to be good enough.

Fall Getaway to the East Coast

We're on another adventure. Ray has been in the D.C. area for work the last 2 weeks, so we decided to extend some of the meetings into a full visit. I arrived to join him Saturday and we spent 4 days with the Wilson clan.

It all started Friday morning...
I walked downstairs and bent over to grab my shoes. I did not bend my knees and while this is normally not an issue, it was this particular morning. I heard an incredibly scary pop sound and then stood back up. I have been in intense and excruciating pain ever since. The girls turns 29 and all of a sudden she's totally out of shape and unable to perform regular tasks. I suppose part of that could be attributed to my lack of flexibility because I haven't exercised since I saw those two lines on that pregnancy test. Well, a few random hikes and walks here and there, but nothing in the way of heavy cardio or weights. I'm just so intensely afraid that I'll move wrong and hurt this critter. It's totally irrational, but I can't help but feel this way. I'm over halfway at this point, so I guess there will be time to worry about all the lbs later.

I digress. I somehow managed to get on a plane Saturday morning to fly to Reagan and met up with my husband and my in-laws. We then headed over to dinner with Ray's lovely grandparents and his Aunt Helen and Uncle Mike. They gave us some beautiful Andrew gifts... but I'll have to display those in a different post as I'd like to take a few photos that haven't yet been taken since the gifts are packed away in my luggage. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have my son remembered and loved by family. It truly means everything to me. Unfortunately, pain continued. I was laying on my back before and after dessert-- which was carrot cake and my favorite peanut butter swirl ice cream!

Sunday meant church and a lovely brunch and performance of Chicago at a local dinner theatre in the Baltimore area. I'd been there once before about 5 years ago when I made my first trip to MD to meet the family! Now I'm definitely part of the family... so a much different trip. Saw my beautiful SIL, but otherwise winced in pain the entire show as Ray would apply pressure to my back every few minutes.

Monday was a day of relaxation and two chiropractor appointments. I would normally never visit a doctor in another state, but I simply could not take the pain any longer. It was to the point that I'd go to bed for 12 hours and spend most of the days laying on my back. He was really nice and gave me a neck adjustment (ouch) along with using some strange vi.brating torture tools. I also sat on a moving massage bed for 20 minutes. I left feeling 100% unchanged. Five hours later, I was back. This time, I pinpointed exactly where in my upper back felt the most shooting pain and he gave me yet another neck adjustment along with more torture tools. I was so terrified during this process as I'm pregnant with a critter who was probably being shaken, too. Luckily, the pain was occurring in my upper back and not my lower back. But when you've lost one child, you pretty much assume only the worst can happen since there is intervention involved. I left feeling about 20% better. Throughout the rest of that night and the next day, it progressed to 50% pain. That night we went to visit a friend who coaches soccer for Ray's old high school. We didn't actually get to hang out with him, but we watched the JV and Varsity games of his Alma Mater.

Tuesday, the four of us headed to Mt. Vernon in Alexandria, VA. It was a lovely day and perfect for our visit. I'd never seen Washington's home, so it was really great to visit. I always find it so wild that Ray grew up less than an hour from the White House, Pentagon, and the heart of D.C. So much history, including battlefields, were literally his backyard. We took a walk in Downtown Alexandria and enjoyed dinner at the Columbia Firehouse off King Street.

Currently, I'm sitting in our hotel room that Ray's parents dropped us off at last night after our dinner. I spent some of the morning walking around town and had lunch at this pita joint... totally underwhelming. Yelp definitely let me down on that one.

 My walking lunch of mediocre ingredients.

We'll be having dinner with some of Ray's colleagues this evening and will be heading out tomorrow around dinnertime. I love getaways with my husband! Thankfully, too, this litter critter has been moving quite a bit since my little chiropractic experience. We had one scare where we both nearly lost it when I hadn't felt its movements in awhile. Of course no one will be able to talk me out of thinking that it's now brain-damaged, but that's the psychosis of a pregnancy after loss. I respect all you women who have crossed this road before me. There are no rules and no way anyone can guarantee things will work out. I guess that's the reality of life. None of us have any guarantees about anything and life is just a precious and fragile thing.

Guess who's flying first class tomorrow? Don't get used to it, child. Mom and Dad are definitely too cheap to be spending the G's on upgrades like this! Just worked out this go-around.

1 year, 100 days

Exactly one year ago today, we were a family of 2 flying from Germany to the United States, hoping to become a family of 3 very soon.

We left our little town of Neuenrade, Germany (where we'd lived for 6 months) for Frankfurt, weighed our completely maxed-out baggage and got excited about owning our first home in a matter of 3 days.

I drank my last alcoholic beverage, a margarita no less, in hopes to become pregnant within the following weeks. It worked! I was pregnant within 2 weeks of stepping foot back on US soil.

We prepared to sign closing papers for our home on March 18, 2010 in the western suburbs of Chicago, Illinois.

We were so excited. We traveled the world, bought a home, had a new city and state to explore, and became pregnant all in a matter of 2 weeks time.

And 100 days ago...

Doctors gave us news that our baby boy had passed without any known reason.

We experienced love and heartbreak all in one day.

We became parents to a gorgeous baby boy.

We said goodbye to our first child.

We went from a family of 3 back down to a family of 2.

So much hope and so much heartbreak all wrapped into one year. We went from having a seamless life filled with hope and happiness to what we're still trying to work through from the loss of our precious baby. Take nothing for granted.

What I wouldn't give to be this excited, hopeful, carefree pregnant mama again...

We have the same hopes we had just one year ago today, though looking through entirely different lenses. 1 year, 100 days and our lives are forever changed. In some ways this last year has gone by at a crawling rate, and in some ways I feel like we aged an additional 10 years in 365 days.

YMCA Encounters

{Sorry about the facebook rant, but it's just really hard to feel so isolated. The irony is that I have over 200 "friends" on that social networking site and I can count on one hand how many really understand the pain of losing a child. Or at least that is about how many have reached out with empathy. There may be hidden mourners out there...}

On to the reason for this post...
I just got back home from Zumba. There's a story involved...

As I was waiting for the instructor to set up the music, I saw a woman struggling to get her (about 3-year-old) son to put his jacket on. He was rolling around on the floor and wouldn't budge. He didn't want to leave the gym and she wasn't able to move him herself because she was holding a baby-- perhaps 6 months old. I walked over and offered to help with putting her son's coat on out of instinct.

But then... then... the stranger asked if I could just hold her (baby) daughter while she worked on getting her little boy to cooperate.

Without thinking, I grabbed the little girl and held her in my arms while the mother put on the boy's coat (unsuccessfully) and grabbed her daughter's coat. I put the beautiful white coat on her little body as she stared, wide-eyed and completely at peace into my eyes.

It felt so natural. I crave. I crave.

It's Time to Cut the Crap.

I'm talking about my consumption habits of course.

There are a few goals I'm making as of March 1.

Why not today? Well... because we're going on a cruise before then, so I surely couldn't eliminate the possibility of eating a whole lotta crap on that trip... so March 1 it is.

The reasons for my purge:

• I had a baby. I'm sad he isn't here. It's a distraction and control thing. Change is needed.
• My body looks like I had a baby. 
• I eat too much crap without thinking about what goes into my body.
• We want to try for baby #2 soon and don't want my poor eating habits to affect that process.
• I don't feel good about myself when I eat/drink crap. 
• I feel my best when eating foods that are good for me.
• I am not pleased with how my pants are fitting post pregnancy.

Here's what I'm committing to for at least three solid months {March 1 - June 1}:

1. No soda. I hate drinking my calories. I used to be a Diet Coke addict, but gave up before Andrew was conceived and haven't looked back since. I imagine I've consumed enough aspartame and phenylalanine at this point in my life. I sure do miss a good fountain DC with those little crunchy ice balls, though.
2. No elective sugar/sweets. Naturally occurring in foods/fruits = fine. No cookies, cakes, brownies, dessert. That means no chocolate. I should really be committing to cutting fried things and crackers/chips also, but baby steps people. Maybe that will be the following 3 months.
3. No alcohol. I don't really want it anyway like I thought I did when I was pregnant with Andrew. It's a bunch of unnecessary calories and a depressive. As if I need another reason to be sad.
4. Exercise. I make no major commitments on the frequency of this, but I did just sign up for a Zumba class with my girlfriends! Once it is a consistent 40 degrees outside, I may step it up to walking everyday + adding wii Zumba and real Zumba classes to the regiment. While I'd love to take up running again, I'm nervous how that will affect future pregnancies should I become pregnant in the next 3 months. I ran up until week 27 with Andrew and he's not here now. Of course I doubt that my running habits had anything to do with his demise, but I see my next chance being different in many ways. The things I control (like running... or not running) are included in these changes.

This is not a forever change because I don't believe in stripping myself from ice cream and chocolate for eternity. I've learned all too well that life is too short to cut out all the indulgences. I just want to spend a few months somewhat cleansing my body from processed junk and excess sugar. And... I'll be just in time for ice cream and fair weather in June.

But first, cruise to the Bahamas! Twelve days from today... can't wait!

Devastation. The Post I Have to Write.

What can I say? I've experienced more heartbreak than I thought was ever conceivable. Ever.

During my entire pregnancy, I've read blogs of others who have given birth to babies suffering with seizures, born 3 months early, or dying shortly after birth. I've read about their coping processes. I felt sorry for them. (I read lots more happy blogs, too, in case you want to call me crazy). I have friends who have had countless miscarriages, continue to struggle with infertility, and have tried everything just to become parents. Coming to terms with our tragedy now, perhaps that was a helpful way to lead me in the direction of grieving. We both always saw our lives as pretty much perfect and wondered why we had everything. We got pregnant the very first time we tried. Neither of us had ever had a real tragedy or dealt with death in any close way. Sure, we've had older family members die. But those family members died generally of a sickness or were much older and had lived a full life. Death is a part of life, but it's simply not fair to endure it without having experienced life. So, those perfect lives I mentioned we had (successful in school, educated, happily married, own a house, great friends...), well, there will always now be a scar and void in that "perfection" we have.

We thought we were in the clear. Throughout the entire pregnancy, there were very few concerns. He always measured smaller, but not a concerning size. He was breech, but the external version had nothing to do with his death. I fell, but on my bottom-- again having no impact on our child. We thought that at 38 weeks and 5 days, our perfectly full term baby would be perfect upon birth, even if he were early. I mean... that's an entire week after full term is generally defined and we passed the mark.

Everything, and I mean everything was defined by us having a son. I wouldn't make appointments, dinner dates, nothing in hopes that I would have a child that consumed our every moment. Andrew was in our every single thought.

When you're pregnant, there is just nothing that can compare to the feeling of having your child growing within you. It's God's perfect place that he designed to protect and nurture babies. I was that perfect place for Andrew... all until sometime between Saturday night, December 4th and Sunday morning, December 5th. We had a doctor's appointment for our 38th week on December 4th at 10 a.m. and heard his precious heartbeat once again-- counting the days to actually seeing his gorgeous face. We left with confidence as we had for awhile now. Though still zero centimeters dilated, I was certain we'd have him within the next 17 days-- because they wouldn't be cruel and allow him to be born on Christmas. (In hindsight, I could care less when he was born... as long as he was born alive). Like I said, his organs were fully developed and we were over the bump of nervousness that usually determines sustainability. He was moving fine on Saturday.

Sunday morning, December 5th, I didn't feel much movement, or any at all. I wasn't thinking about that though, because about an hour after waking, I starting having an intense single cramp in my abdomen. I thought... surely it's constipation or something of that nature. Yes, I tested the theory. Okay, but no relief. About an hour later, the pain worsened and it turned into intervals rather than a direct, constant feeling. My amazing husband was on the Internet searching as we all tend to self diagnose. At this point we did not think it would be contractions. I had never had a contraction before. Not even a Braxton Hicks-- whatever those feel like. By the time we actually started considering I may be in labor, we counted. I called the doctor to tell her that I was having sharp pains that lasted for about 30 seconds and came every 3 minutes. She said, "Call back when they are 1 minute long"-- 30 seconds is not enough. Okay, I get it. Many women call thinking they are in labor and freak out. I wasn't trying to be on that statistic, but this pain was intense. So intense that I vomited because of the intense pain. At this point, Ray was timing them and we were certain I was in labor at this point-- active labor. He counted and called the doctor. It took them awhile to get back to us (about 30 minutes), but we started driving. We assumed they were giving us time because since this was our first baby, we are probably the most prone to overreacting. Ray feverishly walked around cleaning the house during our wait and grabbed our bags before leaving.

We arrived at the hospital sometime between 1:00 to 2:00 p.m. and Ray dropped me off at the door as he parked the car. I continued to have 1-minute contractions spaced about 2 minutes apart. They weren't getting easier. Once he walked in, we headed up to labor and delivery. I was taken into a "checking" room as they intended to dismiss my labor cries and send me home. But... I never went home. This is where my life will be changed forever. This is where I become forever scarred, bruised, broken, and saddened. A piece of my heart is gone.

I lay down on the bed and the nurse strapped me with a fetal monitor. I've had this done numerous times before, so I know the procedure quite well. Usually, since I'm a smaller person and he is a full grown baby, they find it immediately. This time was different. She searched all over my belly and we heard nothing but the faint sounds of my own heartbeat. When she called on her phone for backup to assist in finding the beat, I looked at Ray and we both just had a look of disbelief. Right then, I really needed no more evidence that something was seriously wrong. We had about 4 nurses in the room and then the doctor came in with the ultrasound machine. Again, I'm really used to seeing that machine in action and his heartbeat. Nothing. At that moment, I experienced shock for the first time. Nonverbal, wide-eyed, tearless, shock. Then, hyperventilation. I began to shake and remember saying that I could not physically stop myself from shaking. I was wheeled down to another room-- the room we're now convinced is the "death" room in the L&D ward. It was located far from any other delivery room in a corner. Later, Ray told me that instead of a stork or some beautiful mark on our doors (we had 2 entrances), we had a falling leaf with some bereavement poem behind it. I didn't hear a single baby the entire time we were there. Not a single cry. Not my baby, not any other baby.

In the meantime, my contractions are beyond excruciating. I was dilated from 4 to 7 centimeters in about an hour. Being the carrier of a confirmed unresponsive baby, I had a million extra tests to be administered before they would consider an epidural. It just seemed unfair. I am in pain as any other laboring pregnant woman, yet I get no reward. I endure the same pain but have nothing to smile at in the end. Blood was taken in large amounts, an IV was placed and another ultrasound machine and technician came in. This time, she was testing the amount of amniotic fluid to see if that was any cause for the distress. Nope, normal. My water had not broken. Once all of these tests were done, I received an epidural.

Then, all was calm. There was no one in the room but people looking at me sadly, apologizing, and walking out. We sat there, still in shock and nervous of the next step. It's one thing to know you will be walking out of the hospital alone, but it's another when you know you'll come face to face with your child at some point. I wasn't nervous about the birthing process. I would have done anything to assure he would be alive, crying, and well when the day was over. The irony is that I was terrified of giving birth before this day. For some reason, when you're in emotional pain, physical pain is almost nonexistent. We sat there crying, in shock, talking through the worst day of our lives. Talking about how impossible it could be that this could be happening to us. We were prepared. We have it all together. We love God. We attend church, pray, and love others. We volunteer, give, and still, we must experience this.

At about 7:45 p.m., I was told that I would have to start pushing as I was completely dilated. This time I can remember both vividly and abstractly. It wasn't me inside my body. I remember them coaching me and my wonderful husband by my side. My water broke at 7:51 as I heard the nurse tell the other. At some point, they made me stop to wait for the doctor to arrive. She arrived and I gave birth to our child. Lifeless, but infinitely more beautiful than I ever conceived. I did not want to see him until he was cleaned off and they took all of their information. He was taken from the room and the rest was silent. I was shaking incessantly as I could not control the nerves that rushed in my body. I would be meeting my son for the very first time. A son who moved within me... who I loved SO much. But, he would never see me. I would never see his naked body or his eyes. I would never see him smile, laugh, or move. Shaking.

It was anticlimactic. Rather than hearing the words of how many pounds or the length, Apgar scores, or anything else, I just heard talks of no cord issue, no blood clots, no placental issue, no evidence of a problem.

At 9:04 p.m. on December 5th, I gave birth to an angel.

I had to ask the nurses how much he weighed and how long he was. They wrote it on the whiteboard in the room. 7 lb. 6oz. and 19.75 inches long. Perfect baby boy. They just kept telling me how beautiful he was.

Having not seen him yet, this is probably the time nurses began to share their heartbreaks. It seems like that is a human response to when others suffer. People search for something to level-out your feelings. I met 3 nurses who gave birth to stillborn children. The great news was that they all went on to have 3-5 more children after their tragedies.

We met our son around 10 p.m. that evening. He was infinitely more gorgeous than I ever thought he could be. He had a beautiful nose, mouth, cheeks, ears, hands, feet, and even little eyelashes. His hair was a light blond shade and he just looked at peace. I was terrified, but once I saw him, all I wanted to do was hold him and touch his still-warm body.

Around 11 p.m., the hospital provided us with a baptism and that was wonderful. He was dressed in a gown and given to God. He was always God's, really. This is the best way we knew to memorialize him.

At 1 a.m., people from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came to take photos of us with our son for the very last time. We were never to see him again after these minutes. While I felt this was something our child deserved... to have a family portrait with parents who could not possibly have more love for him, it tore us apart once again. Every encounter with him caused us to wail.

The next day brought infinitely more tears. The other doctor I saw frequently in the practice (the celebrity) came in early morning. She was also devastated. We talked it through and she gave us research she's learned about stillborn births with no explanation and promised to continue searching my file for information. She promised us there was nothing we could have done and that we followed all that we could to assure a healthy baby. Most importantly, she helped talk us through the future. She talked counseling, occupying our time, joining a group of support, and having more children.

The truth is, as soon as we found out Andrew would never come home with us, we wanted to fast forward or rewind. We wanted a re-do. A restart button. A do-over. I wanted to fast forward to pregnancy #2 as fast as humanly possible. As insensitive as this may sound to anyone reading, those who have had a stillborn child see life differently. Every woman I have talked to in my same experience (firstborn, stillborn) wanted to immediately start again. It's not that you want to cover up your first baby and mask the emotions, but because we know we'll never "get over" our son. We'll never be done mourning him. The longer we prolong having another child, the less healthy it will be for us. Plus, we were told that you are infinitely more fertile right after giving birth. Your body is ready to be pregnant and it's had practice.

I wasn't the most graceful pregnant woman. I was terrified of giving birth. But now, that's not the case. The silly things I've said I missed during my pregnancy I wish I could take back. I would be willing to do anything to assure that our child could be here with us.

On Andrew's birthday, I know two other people who gave birth that day. I know two other couples who welcomed their firstborns into the world just a couple days ago as well. As much as I want to say, "It's not fair", I know. I'm not jealous of their babies, but infinitely jealous that they are able to love their children and take them home. I don't want their children. I don't want any child. I want our Andrew. But, he is now with God. Tragedy occurs and God hates that... but it still happens. It happens to people with no warning, like us, and it happens to everyone.

As much as we felt taken care of at the hospital in that terrible Room 120, we felt there were a few things missing besides having our baby laying in the bed next to us. The next day, we were handed a paper to call local mortuaries for funeral/memorial/burial/cremation services. Talk about a shock. Two days prior, I was experiencing kicks and movements from my baby inside my body. I was counting the days until we could place him in his carseat, take him to the park, and see him smile. Two days later, I am signing autopsy paperwork and being told to call and price-check with funeral homes to cremate our child. Nothing, nothing is more painful than having to say goodbye to your baby. Luckily, the nurse offered to call around and set up arrangements for us. Less than 24 hours after finding out you will lose your child, giving birth, and staring at his face and we're required to price check for death services?

On Tuesday, we were allowed to go home. I was kept in the hospital a bit longer than usual because my white blood cell counts were higher than they should've been. They wanted to monitor in case I were to have an infection. I wasn't about to go back to that hospital again until I actually heard good news, so we stayed. The car ride home was infinitely harder than we thought it would be. I was wheeled out of L&D and sat in the wheelchair downstairs as I waited for our car. A woman sat with her 4-week early newborn in the chairs also waiting. She was laughing, smiling, and sharing her precious gift with all those around. I also had a baby, but I wasn't sharing him with anyone. I wasn't strapping him in his carseat or experiencing nervousness as we drove our precious cargo to his home and the room we had perfectly set for him. The laundry was done and everything was ready for his arrival. We drove home in tears. When we arrived home, I sat in the car as Ray found the strength to de-baby our house. Every single thing baby related (you can imagine our house was flooded with it as we were expecting him in just days!) went upstairs and is now sealed in what would have been his room. While coming home was difficult, the most difficult part was the silence. We hated how we left the hospital changed, but unchanged. We were changed emotionally, but all the hopes and dreams we had for the past year were shattered and the house we expected to share with our child-- the Christmas tree we thought would be his first tree and a place for our first family photo has vanished. Remnants are still around the house. Safety plugs, emails congratulating me on making it to my 39th week of pregnancy, diaper coupons... all triggers of emotion. 

Visiting the funeral home to select an urn for our child was the most difficult thing I think I've ever endured. It was gut wrenching to write "mother" and "father" on that paperwork to know we never got to exercise those privileges. We never watched him laugh, open a Christmas present, or kick a soccer ball. Going to "pick him up" will no doubt be even more painful.

This entire story is sad, but the most wonderful part is having the love and support we've had from friends and family. Having moved here in March, we never anticipated the amount of love we would be given by these people. We joined a great group of 20's/30's at our church and have since been quite connected. We spend lots of time with these wonderful people and they have made a point to assure we are pre-occupied and not sitting in silence. As much as I hate talking and sharing my emotions (except via blog), I have been forcing myself in order to avoid depression. Postpartum is most common (for obvious reasons) among women who have lost a child. We asked our friends to just keep us company. We don't need gifts, condolences, Sympathy cards, or anything. We have enough reminders of our son. We have pictures with him, footprints, and plenty of other items that we can't possibly forget how much we are mourning. We just want to laugh, to talk, to enjoy the company of others to break silence. We had at least 15 visitors at the hospital including the pastor at our church site. The outpouring of love surely blessed us.

We should be hearing our baby crying, waking up all hours to feedings, and changing diapers. We're not. We're just crying.

Physically, I am still dealing with the pains of giving birth. My emotional changes far outweigh that pain, but it is cruel to feel what a new mother feels and not look into the eyes of my child. I cannot drive right now. I must heal. My milk has come in and my breasts are incredibly painful. They are meant to nurture my child-- the child I won't ever have a chance to nurture. I stare at a post-pregnancy body and have no reward to show for it. I don't care what my body looks like, but it definitely reminds me of Andrew. If I feel a growl in my stomach or a cramp of any kind, it takes me back to what it feels like to have Andrew moving inside of me.

We will always be in love with him. We may never see him again, but he was our child. He sure was beautiful. Godspeed. We are not done. We want children and we pray that someday we'll get to experience what it's like to watch our child grow.

Baby Update: Week 38

Here we are... the home stretch. Baby W is viable and could come {safely} at any time. I'm ready for him to arrive because I'd love my body back. As you know from my previous post, 6 days ago I had an external version done to turn Baby W into the correct position. From that experience, I was required to wear a very large belly band and it's super itchy! As if the humidity changes haven't already caused me to lose TONS of sleep and itch all night incessantly-- add a wool band to the mix and that's a cocktail for pain and torture. But, worth it, I know.

How far along?: 38w3d
How big is Baby?: Big enough to make his appearance! I believe he's probably in the 6-7 pound range at this point. I'm not huge and most people that see me do no react to him being very large at all.
Maternity clothes?: Yes. We all know how I feel about them at this point. Thank goodness for yoga pants on days where the other 4 options just aren't working.
Sleep?: Terrible. Like I said, that itching! I think it's about 40% baby and 60% intense dry skin. I have literally tried it all: oils, lotions, wet skin + lotion/oil, infrequent showers, short showers, humidifier running all night...
Best moment of the week?: When Baby W was turned successfully!
Movements?: Oh yes. His new position head-down doesn't seem to be bothering him much since he's moving as much as ever!
Food cravings?: No. I did make peanut clusters last night for the first time ever. My mom would make these ever year for Christmas and since I had all the ingredients (peanuts, chocolate chips, peanut butter), I figured I'd try my hand at it. Peace of cake and delicious.
Aversions?: Not really... but the heartburn has been creeping back and making me question my food choices. Gardetto's mix = rough night.
What I miss?: A full night of uninterrupted sleep. Haha. I know. Laugh away. That will cease to exist in just a couple short weeks when Baby W arrives.
What I'm looking forward to?: I am looking forward to the weekend! It starts (for my husband) in about 4-5 hours!
Anything else?: Not really. He's fully grown and all set to make his appearance. The thin hair on his body is shedding and the vernix is also diminishing.
This week in history: Obama makes a surprise visit to Afghanistan, we had our first snow! It didn't stick for long but I hear tomorrow we'll be getting 2-6 inches! And so it begins...

What's going on this week (with us)?: We had a great week. I subbed a few times but I have a feeling that this will be my last week. I would go one more week of subbing, but people keep asking me when I'm due, if I am up for the task of working a full day (what would I be doing at home but driving myself crazy?! Laundry is done, bags are packed...), etc. It's almost like they want me home-- which I guess makes sense. No one wants me going into labor in the middle of subbing kindergarten, right? Depending on how far along I am according to my doctor tomorrow, I'll make the decision if I will continue working a few more days or not-- though I know it's not super accurate either way since people progress at different rates.

We are getting a Christmas tree tomorrow after my 38-week doctor's appointment. I've never had an appointment on a Saturday. Tomorrow will be my first time. Christmas trees seem much cheaper here than in LA... or maybe it's been too long since we've purchased one. We've only had one tree in our 2.5 years of marriage since last year we did not buy a tree in Germany (traveling a ton and no space). We should be able to find a nice tree for under $25. Many go for around $15. Not bad.

We have a date night on Sunday to Geja's Cafe. It has been rated one of the most romantic restaurants in Chicago. We considered checking out Marshall Fields' lights and window displays on State street, too, but it may be too cold. It's been in the 20's with a wind chill down to about 10-15 degrees lately. We may be doing a drive-by rather than parking and walking in the freezing (and potentially hazardous, icy terrain) temperatures. Either way, we're going to have an awesome fondue dinner! Can't wait!

Here are the photos from the previous months. Since they turned Baby W, you may be able to see a huge difference in the shape of my belly. It's definitely less of a basketball and more top-to-bottom rounded out.

Here I was two weeks ago at 36 weeks breech.

Here's my 38-week photo after the external version = no longer breech.

Here are the rest of the photos in case you'd like to check back in time. At my 40 week post, I am thinking about creating a video slide show to see progression better. It's a pain to upload, but I'll make it happen somehow. That is if Baby W isn't here already! :)

Month 1, Month 2, Month 3, Month 4, Month 5, Month 5.5, Month 6, Month 6.5, Month 7, Month 7.5, Month 8, Month 8.5, Month 9

Here's a lovely care package sent by Samantha for Thanksgiving along with a card from my parents-- the jellybeans are long gone!

Our friend Erin (who just had a baby girl in October!) sent over these books as some of her favorites. She's also a kindergarten teacher, so she knows what the little ones love. I would say that the super little guys perplex me. I'll learn soon enough! Thanks Erin & Adam!

It's been package central at our house... unfortunately I don't have a photo of all the amazing things Alison, Nic, Gab & Scotty sent (I put it away already and wasn't going to run around the house pulling things from shelves... sorry no photo!), but I'll describe the amazing stuff. Alison has now had two little ones of her own and had a baby in March, so she's well versed on what she loves. She wanted to share some of those loves with us and Baby W.

Aden & Anais swaddlers (these are so wonderful!), Sophie the Giraffe & Giraffe Wubbanub, 2 nursing tank tops she bought for a total bargain (way to go, Al!), a Boon Squirt spoon (...which is awesome! They use them with Scotty and they're super convenient!), & A Baby Gap footed outfit (SO cute). Everything is being washed so it's all ready to go! :)

Here are a few photos of that horrible band I've been wearing. I've only taken it off for a total of about 3 hours since Sunday. I wear it when I sleep since I am less aware of his movements then, and most of the time when I'm awake. Right now, however, I am being a rebel. It's just so uncomfortable. I'm hoping by tomorrow's appointment, the doctor will tell me I am good to go and he's right where he needs to be without a chance of movement. Of course that's probably unrealistic, but it's a hope.

Doesn't that look comfy? The good news is (if I'm trying to be positive here), is that it does provide back support if that was a concern... which it's not, really.