Five Year Check-In

That's how long it's been since we boarded that one-way airplane back to the States from our six months in Germany. We were headed back to a new state, about to sign the contract to our new home, buy a new car and get pregnant with a (new, first) baby. We were excited. I was so ready to embrace the change of moving more than 5 miles from the beach (that's how far, or less, I lived my entire life thus far). I was looking forward to meeting new friends and having kids and exploring the land together as a family.

And then Andrew died.

The husband calls me a pessimist. He says I wasn't always one, but crossed over from realist to slightly pessimistic after Andrew died. He's right.

My sister-in-law quickly corrected me when I said something to the likes of, "I secretly don't love living here." She told me outright, "It's not a secret, Brandy. Everybody knows." It's not that I hate it, but I can surely name off a few handfuls of places I'd rather be. But in all honestly, I think much of that stems from the biggest tragedy and failure in my life happening within 9 months of me planting my feet on the ground here in the Midwest. 

It's just... it stings. Every memory we have made here involved Andrew in some way. I became pregnant two weeks after we touched down on U.S. soil, here in Illinois. We had just closed on our house and were hoping we'd have more exciting news to share, and did! I actually remember my mom commenting to us after we told her we were moving to the Midwest from California that she hated that we were moving and we would probably have grandkids right away, to her dismay. And we did-- never intentionally trying to hurt anyone, but carrying on with our marriage and life as mid-late 20s was flowing through our blood and we had careers and a home and a great marriage. It was time. 

It was basically the perfect timeline. Unfortunately, I've lived here over 4 times the amount of time with him dead than he was alive. Hurts.

I remember the walls closing in on me after he died. We have four bedrooms upstairs, 2 bathrooms and an attached office. Among the three floors, we have over 3900 square feet of living space and I felt I was being suffocated by the enormity of the space. We closed the doors to the three additional bedrooms and bathroom upstairs. No natural light flowed in. The space felt so big and I felt so small. I hated the house we were so excited about and spent those 9 months of my pregnancy preparing for our growing family. 

We bought this home with the sole intention of raising kids here. If we never hoped kids were in our future, we would probably be living in a fun loft downtown. Somewhere more chic, less kid-friendly and definitely not residing at the corner lot house with the bus stop on our property. I loathed the buses that drove by after he died. I hated seeing kids get off and go into their houses-- houses that were filled with their well-used toys and things and beds that were slept in. 

So yeah. Chicago is kind of a B-list city for me. It's truly a beautiful city (but we live in the 'burbs, y'all, and the lack of scenery is kind of nonsense). It's just, the worst of times happened here so suddenly, muddling some of the beauty it could've been. Thank goodness for great friends, decent food and rainbow babies. Five years is turning out a whole heck of a lot better than the end of year one. Without a doubt. And those doors upstairs? Well, I can't keep them closed if I tried. We have a three-year-old who just loves making it known that he LIVES here. 

Makes me always wonder what living here would've been like (to my psyche) if he didn't die. If our perfect world remained pretty darn perfect for a little while longer. You know, despite the fact that there are no mountains here (our very favorite). 

Fall Color 5k

I've been itching to get out and go for a family race since Claire was born. Of course, she was too little and born during the longest winter ever, so that couldn't happen right away. Now that we're on the verge of another long winter (snow flurries on Saturday, people!), we definitely needed to make it happen.

We signed up for a local 5k along with about 2,000 other people at the Arboretum in the suburbs. It's one of my favorite places in all of Illinois with so much for kids to explore and nature all around you. We went with friends to a concert night for kids there a couple months ago and it was just so great. Here's a little throwback to December 2012 with pudgy Benjamin at the Arboretum. He was just one month older than Claire there. You almost forget you're in the middle of a populated suburb when you're there. Benjamin loves the tree houses and children's garden and all the offerings for little ones. We don't have a membership, but plan to get one next year for Benjamin and Claire to run and play and explore.

The couple who took this photo ran with their Baby Jogger Citi Mini and kept pace with us the entire time weaving through walkers. Claire's snowsuit is a hand-me-down from Benjamin that was a gift... and it's awesome. And blue. :)

The runners with strollers were sandwiched between the runners and walkers. We were essentially behind the people who were determined to "run" and that often ran the first 1/4 mile and then walked. This is a relatively steep run (for Illinois), but the inclines felt good and made it interesting. Aside from the whining from the toddler to pick him up, it was enjoyable and over before we knew it. Not the fastest time (but we're such slow runners anyway), but considering we were dodging walkers left and right and pushing the kids in the double jogger, we were fine with our 34:00 time. It was for fun, after all. It was one of those days I could've just kept running because it felt so good with the 36-degree weather and was just so pretty. We plan to make this race a tradition for our family.

After our race, we had to get Benjamin all ready for his kid's dash! Check out the video on Instagram of Benjamin not in action. He was cranky all morning to begin with, so I expected nothing more, really. Finally Dad went in there and ran with him after all the other kids had dashed on by and then he melted in the middle of the dash. I then ran with him to the end with Claire in my arms. He wasn't the only crier, but anyway.

Much more content painting a pumpkin (for 2 minutes) than running that dash!

We are headed to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving this year and signed ourselves up for the Turkey Trot that runs us around PNC Park (Pittsburgh Pirates) and over the Robert Clemente Bridge. We'll be running that with "Aunt Mansa" and her boyfriend while the kiddos are back at the hotel with Gramie & Grandpa. Got to find some way to make up for the sizeable amount of Prantl's Bakery Burnt Almond Torte & Primanti Brothers I plan to eat while there!

Watering Hole Conversations

We spent an hour at the waterpark this afternoon. I like Benjamin having access to both water and other children on a regular basis. This seems to meet the criteria pretty swimmingly {so funny}.

A little boy walked up and kept asking if I saw him make a HUGE SPLASH {motions with hands and splashes me every time with great effort} and each of the three times, I told him I did and was quite exuberant in my response.

When asked why Benjamin was not going down the fish waterslide in the tot area, I commented to said child that he was too small. He said, "Well he has a big head!" {obviously that renders someone quite capable of waterslides apparently}. In his defense, Benjamin insisted on climbing the steps and peering down the slide while the other children pushed him aside to make their moves. And also, he does have a big head. Touche, kid, touche.

...

A bit later, a mom with a very cute Lululemon bikini {they make those? noted.} was catching her little boy at the bottom of the same fish slide. This kid just kept going in circles. Up the stairs, down the slide backwards and into his mom's arms. He was blond and about 2.5. You know where I'm going with this.

The mom saw that Benjamin was interested and asked if I wanted to let him go and that she would be there to catch him. I stood at the top of the slide {no longer than 5 feet} and she moved closer to catch him. I let him go and she caught my gleeful little tot. When done, I commented that her son will be quite worn out after going around and around on this slide dozens of times. Something about naptime and getting him good and tired was muttered, and then she told her son Drew to say hello to Benjamin.

Knife to the heart. Never gets old {or comfortable} seeing these beautiful blond boys with my boy's name. I'm not one of those moms who can say it warms her heart to meet a cute child with her should-be alive son's name. Not this mama.

...

We had to take a breather. Left the tot area and Benjamin found himself a 4-year old girl to attach himself to after trying unsuccessfully to befriend a few other children much older than himself. And by befriend, I mean trying to climb on their lounge chair. The little girl's mom approached and we discovered both of our sons shared the same name, Benjamin. She then asked if we had more children and I told her about Andrew. She apologized.

Sometimes I wonder if they are apologizing because they are sorry about our sadness, or sorry because they asked the question.

Then later our kids found one another again and she commented how Benjamin was a small 15-month old.

The small comment. Somehow that comment makes me feel small.

Just another day at the ol' watering hole. We were there 55 minutes and I'd had enough. Remind me why I go out in public again?

Among the Trees

Before the weather turned typical of Chicago winters (read: miserable), I wanted to get out to the Arboretum to walk around for a bit. We don't have an annual pass quite yet, but once Benjamin is walking, we'll probably invest in one. We're pretty excited about it. In our opinion, it's one of the coolest nature areas in all of Illinois. Thanks to our friend Alli for getting us in free!

Also, we are members. In the 2.5 years of living here, we haven't joined anything. But now we're members of the local pool/waterpark. This is something very Midwest. Water parks are extremely popular around these parts... and oh my word. Go to Wisconsin to something nobody in the West has ever heard of... "The Dells" and waterparks are a dime a dozen. It's literally the waterpark capital of the world. And did I mention the majority of them are indoors and you never have to leave the resort once for anything. Not dinner. Not entertainment. Not your hotel room. It's all inclusive, under one roof. The Dells is spoken from mouths of children all over the suburbs here. It's so interesting being a transplant here and learning all about the cultural norms of small children.

So yeah. We joined our local waterpark. Pictures to come this summer. And if you come visit, we'll take you. And maybe in another year, we'll join the Arboretum and we'll take you there, too. Until then, here's a quick virtual visit.

In the children's discovery area, many of the attractions were closed because they have quite a few water features that would freeze in the winter. Instead, they set up a fun gnome hunt. We found a bunch of them as we walked through.

We walked the maze garden and headed inside to browse the gift shop and warm up a bit before heading home.

B is 10 months tomorrow. Is it possible that it keeps getting better with age? I love the little boy he's becoming.

Home Reno Updates. Finally.

A little over one year ago I posted about stripping the wallpaper in our laundry room. It's been done for about a year, too. I guess it's time for the unveiling, eh? Note the pink/purple/blue speckled wallpaper with the flowery trim border. Not exactly our style. Had to go. It does get tricky when dealing with small spaces that house large appliances, however. This project was a speedy one as we didn't want to run out of underwear.

Here's the only other photo I took and there are no other angled shots. But, this is pretty much how bare-bones our laundry room was. To the left of where I was standing to take the shot is the door to the kitchen and the rest of the house. To the right is the garage door. Straight forward is our deck (outside) and just behind where I was standing is our enormous pantry. The door was not only rotted, but did not have a weather seal! In Chicago! Note the classy duct tape to keep the cool air out. It was practically leaking money every single month. We also needed to replace it because we had no key to enter it from the outside.

And these are the after shots I took this afternoon.

A new sink needed to be added to replace a very dirty old sink that was speckled and basically looked like it was made in 1900. Though, I have to say that this one is considerably cheaper in quality and construction. There's something to say for older models and well-built items. But, we were being superficial and this would be the result.

I don't love the paper towel storage on top, but we're a bit too lazy to schlep them all the way to the basement. I dream of cute baskets to go on top, but then again... I can't even reach the paper towels half the time and they'd just be a breeding ground for lint and dust.

Note the new door and the amazing, incredible, magnetic and wood-stained (by us) whiteboard by Ghent. We wanted a place that we could keep mementos, coupons, paperwork, cute kid drawings (I dream...), etc. etc. I think it will come quite in handy when we do have little ones to plan for. Our stainless steel fridge is not magnet-friendly and we appreciate the lack of clutter in our kitchen anyway... hence the whiteboard. It's the catch-all. That, and it did a spectacular job of covering up our notsofabulous spackle job underneath. This room was particularly difficult to get smooth because 1. we were lazy, 2. we used a semi-gloss paint which highlights all imperfections in the walls in a room with lots of natural light, and 3. there were itty bitty holes (and large ones) everywhere and it felt nearly impossible to sand it seamlessly.

 We also re-stained the doors to the pantry, garage, and all the trim in the room.

 New door. With keys that really work! The rugs are pretty cheap and I think we paid about $10 for the runner and $3 for the other one at Ikea. Nothing special there.

And finally... the cabinets. We bought cabinets already pre-made from Home Depot for $108. What a difference it makes! It houses all of our laundry detergent, spot cleaners, bleach, lightbulbs, etc. It sure beats having it on the floor like I used to before they were installed! I also like that the toxic chemicals/items like the bleach and fluorescent lightbulbs no longer being under my kitchen sink. The light fixture was also relatively inexpensive at about $15 from Menards, a Midwest Home Depot equivalent.

And then there's distraction project #2 that was all about scraping popcorn from our ceiling, stripping wallpaper, and painting. The reveal is not as drastic because we chose to strip the wallpaper and replace it with paint of the same shade and color. We didn't mind the wallpaper, but it was dated and had some holes and discoloration. That, and we needed to have a wallpaper-free house... finally. After five rooms of stripping, peelings, scraping, screaming, wanting to rip our eyebrows out, priming, priming, priming, painting, painting, and finally hanging all the crap back on the walls, we were d-o-n-e. But, we love the result. Who would've thought that the wallpaper we expected to be the easiest to strip off would've been the hardest the handle with the least amount of change and wow-factor. Of course it is. We nearly decided to replace all of the drywall-- it was that bad. And did I mention that this was also the only room with popcorn ceiling that needed to be scraped? Yeah, there was that, too. Nothing too exciting here except upgrading to a real TV stand (thank you Craigslist!), a real big person television, DVR, and ditching the VHS tapes/VCR for our Wii. Yes, we still own a VCR.

 Aside from the wallpaper being stripped, we also got rid of that light and replaced it with lamps from Target on our new end tables. But don't worry. We're still keeping it real with my college couches. They are Bauhaus so I guess they aren't too terrible. Especially with our lovely Surefit slip covers. Totally recommend those, btw.

 The transformation for what it's worth...

 Popcorn ceiling be gone! Freshly painted ceiling, beams, and trim all through the room... which was another nightmare in itself because we decided to buy some fancy primer that didn't work. Turns out the cheap stuff can sometimes work better.

Our new fireplace. Try to forget that you're seeing a yellow gas line on the right. We haven't gotten around to spray painting that with fire-retardant black spray paint just yet. That is also in the category of we're really tired of this room and will probably never get around to it.

Notice the lamps on the new end tables. The end tables are from Target and surprisingly super sturdy and gorgeous.

I don't recommend the lamps, though they were really inexpensive and from Target as well. We just wanted simple lamps with a dark base.

The lamps came as a set of three-- two table lamps and one awkwardly short, floor lamp. It was less than 5" tall and just didn't fit in our room.

We took out the large piece from the center and placed it near the loveseat on the fireplace ledge. You can see it in this photo best.

 Say no to popcorn.

We're pretty wiped out now. We haven't really tackled another house project since the summer when we completed our family room/informal living room. We're constantly maintaining as every homeowner does, but no major transformations to be shown. Is it baby time yet?

Quad Cities Getaway + Random iPhone Pictures

We decided that another weekend trip was in order... so a few days before we left, we booked a hotel in the Quad Cities where Iowa and Illinois meet. Neither of us had ever been to Iowa before (and really have no desire to return), so we added another state to our lists. Our main reason was to get away... because staying at home can be a real drag when there is nothing. to. do. besides the ol' distraction projects that we're pretty much burnt out on. Plus, that's what the next four days off work are for. Our second piece of motivation was this show:

It just so happens that their warehouse {Antique Archaeology} is 2.5 hours from our doorstep just over the border of Iowa in Le Claire. The husband is a fan of the show so we headed out to check it out. The place was no more than 1,000 square feet and basically housed about 100 things you could buy and various pieces of fame from the show. Otherwise, it was all about the merchandise. Of course we are now owners of a hat that I sure hope my husband doesn't lose. He has a thing for losing hats.

You may recognize these if you watch the show...

Outside the warehouse

Video of the interior.

Our next stop in the Quad Cities was to check out the John Deere Pavilion. We really wanted to take a factory tour, but sadly they don't offer those on weekends. Instead, we headed into the pavilion where they have a bunch of their machines and various history about their brand. Basically, it was a madhouse of various little ones all over the place because they are able to sit on the equipment and inside the huge tires for cutesy photos taken by Mom and Dad. J.e.a.l.o.u.s.

Big machine made entirely out of canned goods! This is the back.

This is a bit out of order as it occurred last Sunday, but I'll speak to it anyway. There's a small Army Base on Rock Island, IL that we were able to drive on and check out their huge machines and museum (Rock Island Arsenal Museum). They aren't responsible for much, but they do have a working foundry and supply some of the niche items to the U.S. Government.

I saw Smokey the Bear inside the museum. Did you know that Smokey (now retired) was the longest running public campaign in United States history? He was started in the 40's and I believe ran until the late 80's/early 90's. I vividly remember these commercials and his voice.  

"Only you can prevent forest fires."

The highlight of the entire trip was our experience at a women's roller derby game. When planning the trip, Ray looked online to find attractions in the area. Not only was he immediately sold on the idea of a roller derby game, but he bought advanced tickets! I can assure you, the tickets for this game were not selling out in this lifetime. And as a matter of fact, we're pretty sure every single person in the audience (besides us) had a personal relationship with at least one of the players. So yeah. That's what you get for watching Whip It. But don't worry-- we had an incentive to purchase those advanced tickets. We saved $1.50. Hahah.  And yes, it was totally one of those arenas that served nacho cheese out of a can and various other little league favorites.

By the end of the game, we'd Wikipedia-ed all of the rules and were practically experts. Even better was our dinner prior to the game. We were wearing jeans and sweatshirts because we planned to sit on bleacher seats inside a cold warehouse for the evening watching a bunch of women trying to cut one another. I found a great Thai restaurant on Yelp in Moline, IL and walked in to find that the $10/plate restaurant had a bunch of men with sports coats and women in fancy garb. Ray told me how he felt under-dressed. We had to wait for a table because, coincidentally, there was a symphony starting about the same time as our roller derby game just down the road. We laughed at the thought of those other diners enjoying a night of pretentious music listening as we sat among the toothless and other random folk.

She's one of the more slender players, but dang are those women tough! I would get knocked around like a ragdoll with my 5'3" frame. They were fierce and it was very entertaining to watch.

A little derby action on video...

For those of you who know me well, I love a good deal! I get excited when I see those little red clearance stickers at Target just hoping I can pair them with a sweet coupon to score some huge savings. I am not a big shopper, but I can tell you that I currently own more cleaning supplies than what is currently in stock at your local grocery store. Hah. Okay, not that many, but let's just say I have to stock them upstairs in our guest bathroom now because under my kitchen sink is too full. I'm picky, too. I like the all-natural stuff and try my best to score amazing deals on those. Hence the photo. I don't know why it says "as is" because it's just a regular clearance item, but I scored ten of these bad boys for $1.26. Yeah, $12.60. I know, what an obsession, right? I just love J.R. Watkins and Mrs. Meyers. But don't worry, I have a fair share of Seventh Generation products under my sink as well. I keep telling myself that someday, someday I'll actually have a little messy one who insists on making sure we're cleaning the floor nonstop after spaghetti night.

While at Target, I scored my favorite pasta and had to take a photo so I could remember the name. :)

I made these amazing roasted brussel sprouts I found at Whole Foods in a bag and then sliced and seasoned with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, cracked pepper, and sea salt. Then I roasted on a cookie sheet for 10 minutes on each side. I love them. Finished product not shown... but you can follow this recipe if you'd like. I served them up with some amazing pasta (see above) and roasted garlic marinara with some seeded and Italian rolls from Whole Foods. I seriously love that place. Too bad I feel so broke when I shop there. Can of soup, $5? You people are cuh-razy!

Starting to get this crap in the mail and I'm not liking it one bit. :( And hey, thanks for the discount on toddler formula! Maybe I'll follow this blogger's lead and write a little letter of disapproval to their marketing departments. Thanks Geoffrey. Sometimes giraffes can be real jerks.

On the first birthday front... I have amazing friends who have offered so many wonderful tokens of celebration and have voiced them to me. Overwhelming love. I'm so grateful. 

And the final random iPhone picture I have to share is a photo from this morning. I checked my MyPanera account and saw that I had a free pastry and free smoothie! And that would be breakfast this morning:

We'll see if that was a good decision or not! Glucose test coming very soon. Gah. And I'm also proud to say that I've somehow made it 2/3 through this pregnancy and will be giving birth to a baby at some point within the next 100 days. It's still so hard to imagine him coming home with us, but I want it so bad. Keep growing, baby boy! Also, I was at work the other day and one of the ladies asked me when I planned to work until. I have no reason not to work until my induction date. I think I'd drive myself MAD if I were at home just waiting for a baby. Shoot, I already do that and I have a full time job! Her reason for asking was because she wanted to know if/when to schedule the baby shower for the three women (who are pregnant with boys and due within 1 week of one another). She asked if I'd be okay with them throwing me a shower.

I politely declined and said a forward, "No." I explained that it's very emotional for me and the very thought of sitting in a room while people talk about babies and get excited makes me super apprehensive. I explained that I am honored they were thinking of me enough to offer to throw me a shower, but that I cannot handle the emotional side of it. I told her that I wouldn't be able to attend the shower for the other women either, but that I absolutely wish them well in celebrating. All of these babies deserve the love, attention, affection, and celebration-- but it's not like I'm not celebrating this baby despite not having a shower! We talk to him everyday and praise his little kicks. We cherish every single moment we have with him and want to shower him with love and affection. It's not like he'll know about the shower happening/not happening anyway. The woman was surprised I didn't want a shower and told me she was really happy she asked because she just assumed it would all be well and I'd be fine with a shower and everything. It does just go to show that people don't understand loss on the outside. It's not their fault and they don't deserve blame, but many people just don't understand how emotionally taxing these events can be to a bereaved, hormonal, pregnant, paranoid mother. I feel so thankful that people want to celebrate my babies... but I'm still not at a place where I can handle that sort of thing.

I'm also happy to report that I haven't had any breakdowns in seeing the Christmas crap in every corner I turn. While I'm apprehensive about Andrew's birthday coming, I'm just hoping time is kind and carries on its merry way into the new year. I've got a baby to meet! Please oh please be healthy and alive, little one. I've never wanted something more in my life.

Blogger is a Jerk. And the Weekend.

This past weekend was full of indulgence.

Alison came into town on Friday night and began the fun. We popped open that bottle of Grand Mark that we bought on our Michigan wine tasting a couple weeks back and made almond crusted baked brie with honey/balsamic reduction and a lentil-quinoa salad. It was the perfect meal. I do need to perfect the process of making that brie (read: shorten), but otherwise it's a nice dinner to pair with wine and something light for summer.

Here's the brie I made back in August of 2010 for a baby shower I hosted. Hah. 2010 was likely the beginning and end of baby showers for me. Something else I've lost out on. Super.

We watched the movie Just Go With It and it was terrible. Not recommended.

Saturday was devoted to lazy river and magazine reading. We grabbed sandwiches and drove about 20 miles away from my house to a water park that boasts the second longest lazy river in Illinois! If I could find the park with the longest, I'd probably go there... but it's too hard to find online. It was the case where we weren't supposed to take in outside food or beverages, but did anyway. Because 16-year-olds are working the joint. We ate on our lounge chairs and enjoyed our lazy strolls through the water before settling on our lounge chairs and people-watching the rest of the day. I will be going back when my SIL comes to town in a week.

Wrong place at the wrong time, buddy.

That night we had dinner in downtown Naperville at one of our favorite little places, Kuma's Asian Bistro. Except of course when you plan to bring someone, the food is never as good--as was the case this night. The drinking started there and we finished it off with margaritas at out house.

Sunday, we headed downtown to The Taste of Chicago. This was my first Taste experience. For the most part, I enjoyed it. Off the train we headed straight to XOCO, one of Rick Bayless' restaurants. We ate at Frontera when I was super, happily pregnant in late October and attempted to at least grab a churro from this street-food style joint. Notsolucky. Apparently they're closed Sundays and Mondays. Speaking of closed a lot... our favorite (and only) German restaurant in the 'burbs is closed for 3 weeks. They're only open dinners and closed Sunday and Monday, too. How very European of them. Three weeks is a lifetime in America, especially for a restaurant that probably grosses over $25,000 a day. Crazy. We then headed down Michigan Avenue in search of more food.

What's better than to be able to try about 5-6 different types of food for lunch/dinner? Prepare for my full menu and commentary, here.

For taste portions, most were 4 tickets ($2) with ~$.67 charge for maintenance, etc.. Some were 3 tickets and a select few were 2.

Homemade wheat tortilla veggie taco from Carbon with a medium tomatillo salsa. My first and favorite of the day.

Next up, hummus, falafel, and pita from Alhambra Palace. We later had falafel sandwiches with Jerusalem salad for dinner (Not pictured. Gasp. I know.) It wasn't quite to par with Naf Naf, our fave, but it was decent. The hummus was delish and the falafel, good, but the pita was lacking.

Grubbin'.

<3

Happy Husband.

Star of Siam's pad thai veggie noodles. Meh.

Tuscany's toasted cheese ravioli. Quite delish!

 Bud Light Limes. Not bad...

 Alison double-fisting.

Cheese and corn empanada from Adobo Grill. Super fried... I know.

 Love my happy husband. Seriously the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes.

Vermilion's mango dusted fries with tamarind chutney and chimichurri sauce. AMAZING.

This was happy husband's interest also from Vermilion: grilled chicken kabab with tomatillo, potato and charred onions.

I have no idea what he ordered, but I know they were two fudge samples from Ryba's Fudge Shop. He ate them faster than I could see!

We headed to Millennium Park to rest and watch a group of people get busted (why?) for playing croquet... so they moved on to drinking Jack Daniels. They brought the whole bottle for 4 people to enjoy. Niiiice. You can also see the bean from where we were sitting. If I lived in the city, I'd come down here all the time! Okay, so I say that, but I'd probably be lazy and hermit crab up in my house so my kryptonite (aka: babies & pregnant women) wouldn't affect me. Just put me in a bubble already. Go ahead.

My thoughts on The Taste: It was great to try out a bunch of foods, tapas-style for lunch. It was even more fun to walk around and have a mixed bag of all types of food. It also allowed for trying things you may not normally try (for fear of disappointment/dislike). Being a veggie, I loved that no one had to conform to my interests because we all had the chance to try what we wanted on the cheap.

My main issue: The famous, popular, fantastic, beloved, interesting, well-known restaurants of Chicago were not included in any of the tastes! I expected Rick Bayless to have a showing. Nope. Poor quality pizza joints and little to no Italian beef showing. I felt it could be called The Taste of ANYWHERE in the US. I also wanted more Indian food and there was a lacking in that department.

We headed down to Michigan Avenue (before obviously heading back to The Taste for an early dinner, aka use the rest of our tickets on falafel pitas and fresh watermelon) for some shopping. Ray headed back to the train so he could meet our friend Derrick for golf. We grabbed our pitas after shopping and got lost on our way back to the train. I get lost without my husband with me. I'm impossible. We did make it back in time and actually got seats. Miracle. Not gonna lie though... it was stressful. If we didn't make the 6:35 train, we'd have to wait til 8:35. Um, no thanks.

Monday was all about relaxing, shopping the outlets, and eating/drinking again. I had a craving for veggie tacos and decided to make some for lunch before we headed off for the day. I made homemade tortillas since we bought this bad boy, grilled up some onions, green chilis and heated some black beans. I also made a quick salsa puree for the top. We walked Downtown Wheaton and visited a cute tea shop and I had my first Hibiscus iced tea. It was delicious! No photo, but it was amazing. It had a salty taste and it was addicting, despite obviously having no salt. Nummers. We were getting hungry and decided to hit up Downtown Naperville for margarita Mondays at Front Street Cantina. In general, their food sucks. But... we figured their margaritas and some nachos would do the trick. How can you screw up nachos, right? Well, the Germans used kidney beans and that was definitely a fail. But Front Street... well... they shocked me.

They used MOZZARELLA cheese on our nachos! Not cheddar. Not jack. Not Chihuahua. Nor pepper jack. Not white cheddar. Not cheese sauce. Mozzarella. Friggin' weird.

Once we received them, I took two bites before turning to Alison and asking, "Is that brie cheese?" She then ate an isolated piece and laughed. "No, it's mozzarella!" It wasn't awful, just not what we expected or would've chosen. To make matters even more confusing, the guy outside was also having nachos with cheddar cheese. Did he know to ask for the proper cheese? Oye. Thank heaven for $4 margaritas. Alison and I have a long history of nachos and margarita-drinking. In true form, we made sure to indulge in our favorites.

I've all but given up in finding solid Mexican food in this town. Thankfully we have Chipotle and I know how to replicate some of my favorite meals.

We headed home, got ready, and headed to dinner. We had Buona for the first time. It's equivalent to a Panera, but mostly Italian food. It's owned by the Portillo's brothers. Buona is a bit nicer than Portillo's though.

Tired of me talking about food? How about grief?

I've come to the main conclusion that I'm just a crappier friend. I wish I didn't suck the fun out of everything, but I feel like I can't help it. I slap on my shiny-happy face and practically pass out into my bed at night from the sheer exhaustion of burying my sadness and emotion. At 7 months out from losing our baby, people don't want to see or hear you cry out anymore. Not one is plainly telling me that (as they likely know I'd have a serious backlash), but I feel it. I feel that I'm so separate from who I used to be and so separate from caring about things I used to enjoy. Except maybe food.

We had a nice time, but I sure do miss the Brandy who used to be. Who used to fall asleep with that stupid plastic smile on her face.

p.s. Blogger is a jerk because I had to login and logout of Blogger to upload photos about 5 times. So it landed itself in my title. Jerk.