When Friends Lose

We have a bunch of local friends. Most are tied to the church we attend. It connected us to some great people who have been our friends ever since. Those people were there for us when Andrew died. They visited us in the hospital. They cooked us meals. They dropped off gifts on the doorstep and groceries and cards and celebrated his life with us. They practically pushed our door open to spend time with us. Some brought over board games to make us laugh and get us out of our grief funk. They were there to peel us off the couch. They send cards and speak his name.

I often told them, "No, it's okay. We're fine. We don't need anything."

I also remember telling all of our visitors who came to our actual delivery room during our state of shock that while I'm not the type to ask for help, I am going to need them to kick down the door and keep us company.

One of those friends (and her husband and daughter) said goodbye to their second daughter, Alexandra last night. She was born at 23 weeks and labor couldn't be stopped. She was born at just over a pound and lived for an hour.

She was born in the same hospital and Labor & Delivery ward as Andrew, Benjamin and Claire. I couldn't help but feel those feelings of angst and sadness and longing and grief with that deep pit in my stomach as soon as I heard she was in labor. I knew the odds were not on their side and I knew what it would be like to lose a baby in that very hospital. Possibly in that very room.

What compounds the loss even more is that they conceived all of their children via IVF. They tried for years and have struggled desperately to grow their family. Their first daughter came after years of trying and prior miscarriages. And their second daughter was conceived after several rounds again, only to lose again someone so desperately wanted. These expenses have been financially burdening. Knowing they will be receiving bills in the mail months from now for their 10+ day hospital stay in addition to caring for Alexandra and their living daughter hurts.

That little nugget is Claire's age. Alexandra's big sister. Conceived of IVF as well. 

We started a GoFundMe for them. Most people who read this blog don't know my friend Kim and her husband Eric. I would've shared their story anyway. I'm so deeply sad for them.

B, B & B

B is for Bus.

Benjamin loves bus rides. He loves just about all vehicles. In an effort to spice up the excitement since the husband was out of town last week, I wanted to plan something that would be new and fun for us both. We've taken buses while traveling many times before, and when in St. Petersburg a few months ago, we took one just for fun as well! I'm reminded everyday that commuter buses run through our suburb as they stop right in front of our house and shuttle people to the train station. Unfortunately, we couldn't ride those, as they stop running around 7:30 a.m. and don't come back around until the afternoon. I managed to find a bus route about 3 miles away that we could park and ride just for fun and $1.75 for my adult ticket cost. Pretty cheap for 1.5 hours of adventuring.

It just so happened to also be National Donut Day and I will take any excuse I can to drive through Dunkin' Donuts for their amazing coffee and decadent treats. I had a coffee, chocolate sprinkle donut & Benjamin was happy with his 5 munchkins... though he did request more throughout the bus ride. "No more donut." On repeat. As if I would all of a sudden up and whip some freshly baked ones from my handbag.

We parked at the children's museum (of which we have a membership, so parking is a-okay) and walked over the ramp to the bus stop, which is actually at the train station since it's a commuter line. Commuter line buses are generally cleaner and nothing like a downtown bus. No graffiti. Really clean. Average age of a rider: 75.

The bus pulled up as we were arriving and we hopped on. We ate our donuts, had a few silver-haired ladies take our photo (of which she proudly told me she would get my whole body shot--including side profile of my extra white and not-so-tone thigh). Thanks, lady. I totally appreciate the extra effort. #croppedit

The bus drove one town over, through a local community college, and to another downtown station. There were maybe a total of 15 people who got on/off as we rode. Many of them came over to befriend us, as I clearly looked like a normal person with my toddler and baby. There were a few students, some local residents taking the bus to work, a veteran who was going to a doctor's appointment, and a pregnant woman. Even the bus driver became friends with us. At one of the longer stops, he whipped out his phone as any proud grandpa would, to show me pictures of his new grandson. This was definitely the suburban bus line.

We took the full loop and went back to our car for lunch and naptime. Except, Benjamin wanted to go to the children's museum instead. Tantrum ensued for the entire drive home and an additional hour past that. Fun times. We'll definitely ride the bus again, but I might have to rethink where I park the car...

B & B: Bottle & Bottega

My fantastic friend Alli turned 27 at the end of May. We wanted to celebrate her, so a group of girls got together at one of those trendy new wine and paint joints. She picked the painting, which matched well with her husband's hobby of cycling (and he's good, you guys!). We brought wine and snacks and spent a leisurely three hours without kids (well, Alli is young and has no kids, nor did half of the attendees) just painting and chatting about life.

It was so. much. fun. I'm so glad we did it! Everyone changed up the original painting in some way, except me. I stuck to the book. I liked it so much and the short slogan that went with it. It's fitting of my personality to persevere and perhaps also fits my stubbornness. But the rest were creative.

Top row: Mine (very traditional), Alli's (her husband's quote idea), Kristi.
2nd row: Ashlea (who works in a nursing home as the director of Dementia (I hope I'm right!?), Emily who is Alli's very cool sister. She had a bike but decided she would cover it, Liz
3rd row: Middle picture is Meaghan who works with kiddos if you couldn't tell!

Christkindlmarkt Chicago

The weekend before Christmas, we hopped on a train from our suburb and headed to Downtown Chicago for the Marshall Field's/Macy's windows and Christkindlmarkt. Since we lived in Europe all through the winter, we visited Christmas markets in many different countries. It's such a fun experience and there is always something fun to eat. We went with good friends who also have a boy about Benjamin's age.

I knew the highlight for Benjamin would be the train ride. He loves transportation and recently began liking trains more. He refers to them as "choo-choo" and even does the train horn with his arm. We had been talking it up and when we finally got on the train, he was excited.

Ready for the ride! On the train with his buddy, Aaron.



Windows at Macy's. Surprisingly, Benjamin loved them!

Photo in front of the Walnut Room tree at Macy's where we plan to have lunch when Benjamin is a bit older - Headed to the Christmas market about a block from Macy's

$7 pretzel, almost entirely for the photo (but also so I could eat 75% of it with delicious German mustard)

Fam photo, the dads drinking some Gluhwein and all the delicious food we bought (sausage, soups, pretzels...)

 It was great fun and we hope to make it a tradition. I know a certain little boy who will be more than fine with another choo-choo ride in his future.

*On the pregnancy front: I'll update more once I speak to my OB tomorrow about a new condition I might have that may put me at even more risk... like I needed that. I've been stressed about it for the last week and still have 4 weeks to go until we meet our daughter. Hate to be negative, but I have to be realistic... just hope she comes home with us alive and healthy. Until then, holding my breathe. Post to follow. Still living the "if" and not the "when" train with this. I hate pregnancy.

Grown-Up Tea Party

A few of my local friends just celebrated birthdays and it gave me the idea to throw a little girls get-together to celebrate. Nothing major, just a little tea party with friends to catch up and have a break from the kiddos. Very casual. The husband took the kiddo to the children's museum and we were in business.

I hosted, but one of my friends contributed many of her fancier pieces for the décor and display of food. While I have a lot of practical and modern kitchen touches, I don't have the tea party-esque type of crystal and fanciness. With some of my items and some of hers, I think it came together nicely.

Don't be fooled. All those leftover Danish cookies were in my belly within a week. Hello pregnancy weight gain.

Drinks: lemonade, French sparkling lemonade, tea from all over the world, k-cup coffee assortments, water with lemon and cucumber. Food: cream cheese/dill/cucumber & PBJ finger sandwiches & cookies: chocolate chip dunkers, Danish cookies, Pfeffernusse (TJ's has the best EVER), Candy Cane Jo-Jos

Some of the lovely tea party pieces and 7 of us 8 (me being photographer).

Really easy to put together and so nice to have time to relax and drink coffee with friends, add in some of that delicious Girl Scout cookie creamer & eat cookies until Claire gained a solid pound in one day. Oh, and me too.

Windy City Smokeout

I was listening to the radio a few weeks back while driving around somewhere and heard an announcement that Pat Green (Texas country) would be coming to Chicago. Now, he's a lesser-known country star, but he does get played on the radio from time to time.

For us, however, his music is wrapped up in all kinds of amazing memories.

That's the thing about music. It really brings memories (the only things we really get to keep in life) to the surface and reminds us of how great we've had it. I can name quite a few bands that are wrapped up in the other half of my sadness (Dashboard Confessional and pretty much anything by The Band Perry), but music really does offer a great release of emotion and love. As an aside, I recently heard the 20-something (omg, that dates me BAD) library guy talking to other people about Jimmy Eat World. They had no idea who the band was, and I felt pretty proud and young in that moment. Though now that I type, I'm feeling pretty pathetically old.

While we were dating, my cute East Coast boyfriend introduced me to the music of Pat Green and we went to a few shows back in LA. Most notably, I remember seeing him at the House of Blues, Hollywood. It still gives me goosebumps thinking about dating the most wonderful man I can now call my husband of almost 5 years (Friday)!

Back to that car ride. I called Ray immediately and told him Pat Green was coming. Without hesitation, he said we were going and he'd be buying tickets. A couple weeks later and we found ourselves downtown at a BBQ and music fest with a few friends. It was a day of music, BBQ, and exploring downtown with our little boys. 

When we arrived, we headed to the fest and everyone but me (and B of course...who thinks food is for suckers) ate BBQ lunch. There were Chicago BBQ joints and some from other parts of the country, including Austin-- which I appreciated because they had the single item I could eat at the entire joint-- coleslaw. Benjamin and his friend both received their first ever hand stamps of a pig with a frying pan. Also, it's hard to see, but Benjamin and I are standing next to a WHOLE PIG in the picture below. They even tried to hand me a piece of pig from the belly after the photo was taken. And one questionably inebriated lady kept walking up to Benjamin with her little dog whom Benjamin was not too sure about. He loves animals, but she was making the dog dance and it was just plain weird. His face says it all.

The heat was close to unbearable, and after lunch we headed for a walk to Millennium Park. No swim gear, but it didn't seem to bother Benjamin who was owning the Crown Fountain. He was loving every minute of his freedom and befriended people of all ages, including three teenagers (bottom left).

We attempted to dry off a bit wearing Dad's polo (and looking overall adorable in it) by visiting the Cloud Gate, aka "bean". It was Benjamin's first trip to the bean and he seemed to enjoy it as well. He was running all over stalking other children and attempting to climb in their strollers. We passed by more art on the way back to the fest. But first, we stopped at the Protein Bar for an early dinner for the vegetarian of the group.

More BBQ was eaten and more music. Benjamin quite possibly loves my friend Liz over me, and if she is around, he is sitting with her instead. Group shot before heading back to the 'burbs after a fun night of food, exploration and fun! And, Benjamin (and his friend) can check their first concert off the list!

Would You Moo, Too?

Totally sounds like a kid's book, right?

You can see where my head is at most days. The level of sophistication I used to have has been reduced to books with fewer than 30 words-- many of those words being repetitious.

We didn't really moo, but we did dress like cows for free food. We went to chikc-fill-ay (spelled incorrectly as not to be among Google's search results on the topic) for their dress-like-a-cow-and-get-free-food event. It happens once a year in the summer and a friend of ours went with her family last year and scored full meals (with the delicious lemonade!) for zero bucks. No tax, nada. Just a good time and free food.

So logically, I scored B and I some used clothes and went to town on coloring spots. It took probably 1/2 hour, but something that required no real effort otherwise. I stuck some felt spots on my hat and shoes, taped other spots to our pants and B's shoes and we were on our way!

You might ask... what did you eat, you crazy vegetarian? They actually have a wrap on the menu that I asked to have chicken on the side. They also have salads that are delicious. Their fries are vegan and their lemonade is seriously so yummy. Benjamin had a kiddo meal and was happy to say hello to the dressed up cow character walking around the restaurant. And after lunch? A little fun in the play-place for the kiddos while us adults chatted away over lemonades on a hot summer day. Kind of fun for a free adventure! It gave us something different to do, and I knew B would be totally interested in the other kids and big cow. I also knew the food would be hit or miss as he apparently detests food (still. though he eats at least one great meal a day and 2 crappy ones... I'm just less stressed about it as he seems to be normal in size and ehm...diapers), but it was worth a shot. One nugget, 1 fry, and 1 whole container of chocolate milk. He has a love affair with milk. And chocolate milk? Basically perfection.

So would you {dress like a} moo cow for free food? Perhaps putting aside any political issues you might have with the chain?

Here are some photos to help you decide. I mean, we look ridiculously awesome.

Smitten.

Group photo (minus Jim who already left). We all ate free food! Some of the spots/outfits were already off as we were headed out after the play-place fun... until next year!

p.s. Thank you all so much for your thoughts on B's night terrors. While they haven't stopped, they've been temporarily replaced by the screaming in the middle of the night due to a stuffy nose. The sickies can probably be traced back to the children's museum we just joined. After two visits and a mom who was probably not diligent enough in washing hands right after (I have a thumb-sucker... argh!), we had ourselves a snotty baby. I will be buying stock in hand sanitizer. It's always something... kind of feels like having a newborn all over again. Le sigh.

Rainbow Friends & Foodie Resolution #13 of 52: Hummus

We recently had a visit from a fellow BLM to the Chi suburbs. She brought along her daughter and Benjamin had a playdate with a little girl his age! It's not often little girls come around, as our suburb is saturated with little boys Benjamin's age.

I've been totally slacking on my recipes lately and I have about 400 excuses why I haven't posted any, but I still have the desire to complete 52 new recipes this year. We'll see about that when I have more time. This dresser refinishing and traveling paired with the husband being out of town a lot has really cut down on my free time.

But, when Teresa came over, I did make some caramelized onion & Weber BBQ sauce grilled cheese sandwiches with a parmesan crust on French bread. So I mean, I'm still eating well. That's not a concern. Though the stock of frozen pizzas in our freezer is getting dangerously low and that's usually is a tell for how busy we've been.

While Teresa was here, we talked about food because she's also a foodie like me. She mentioned they make hummus frequently. I told her I'd never made hummus. Hours after she left, I was in my kitchen giving it a go.

Success. First pictures of babies, then food. In order of importance and deliciousness, clearly.

Hummus recipe was straight from the Blendtec recipe book. It just so happened that I had all the ingredients!

It was tasty! The consistency was quite thick, which is how I like my hummus. The entire batch had only 1 TBSP of olive oil, so it was quite healthy as well. Next time, I might experiment with roasted red peppers as an addition, and I'll definitely make the tahini first, because I can still see a few sesame seeds that were not ground completely in the blend.

Meeting New Friends

Two years ago, I imagined meeting new friends would forever go something like this:

"Hi, my name is Brandy and I have a dead baby. Would you like to be my friend?"

...Except, things aren't quite going like that.

I used to want every single person I encountered to be very, very aware that I was in mourning and have a baby which therefore makes me a parent and you better not think otherwise because I will hit you with the grief train. Luckily, Benjamin really does prove I'm a mother now. In the flesh as I wipe his snot and change his stinky diapers. Will I stand firm and tell people that Andrew made me a mother first? Forever. In many ways, Benjamin makes it easier to speak up about his big brother.

There isn't really a doubt that Benjamin saved my life. When I say I need him, I'm not really just kidding around.

I'd be in a very dark place without him here and I'd definitely, definitely not have put meet new friends on my year's resolutions list {which, by the way, are going great. We're on Day 11 of the Shred and I want to kill Jillian Michaels and yes... my husband doing the Shred with me is the only reason I am still committed}.

You know what? We met new friends. And, we've already had two playdates and are going to a dinner they're hosting at their house this weekend where we might meet even more friends. We've talked about Andrew and told them we lost him at full term and they were apologetic and sweet. Yet, that is not the cornerstone of our friendship and I'm somewhat okay with that.

How do you meet new friends {who haven't lost a baby} after you've lost a baby?

I mean, we can't have expectations for them to remember our baby, because to them, they have no history of  Andrew. And really, we're friends because we happen to have children the same age and a bit more in common. But babyloss? That's not one of them.

Benjamin deserves his own friends and for me to step out of my comfort zone to meet others that will engage and enrich his life. This is the balance of not wanting him to live in Andrew's shadow, but to encourage his individual growth and social awareness. It's challenging though, because no matter how hard I try, the person I was before Andrew has a really hard time being present in relationships now. Yet, I do enjoy escaping the beast of my babyloss mom status for just a bit. It's a skin I can't take off, but maybe cover for bits of time.

This territory is all new for us. We're happy-ish again. Always mourning and frankly bitter at those who aren't still at 2 years because how can you not be? But, we're also living that whole picket-fence life of the house and the kid and definitely not the minivan, except, grief is still very much alive. We're still sad we'll never see out the path we thought would be ours just over two years ago.

Thirty. It's Just a Number. Right? RIGHT?

How about a post that should've happened two months ago but is just coming around now?

Hey, better late than never.

I turned the big ol' dirty thirty on October 10th while in Canada. The husband asked what I wanted to do for my 30th, and I told him I wanted a road trip. And that's what I got! I celebrated that evening with one of my blogger BFFs in Toronto as we dined at a Thai joint while trying to wrangle our littles. Correction, I was wrangling my little as she and her daughter sat there daintily eating their meal and being overall showoffs. My kid was the one screaming and wanting nothing to do with being in my arms. Or a highchair. Or in that restaurant.

But anyway. Details.

When I returned home, some friends threw me a surprise shindig. They know just the gal I am and knew I wouldn't want a big! huge! surprise! party! but one that included wine and chocolate with a fewer number of people.

Obviously. Champagne and chocolate for president. Like really.

I was picked up and taken to an undisclosed location (my friend Liz's house) by a few girlfriends and we proceeded to indulge the night away with a very creative Suburban Cupcake Tour.

You see, a couple years ago, I saw a Group.on for this cupcake tour downtown and was determined to make that happen. But, I wanted to do it on the cheap and get some girlfriends to head downtown with me and walk some of those fabulous bakeries and share cupcakes while walking off the calories and enjoying the gorgeous scenery that is downtown Chicago.

But, weather sucks and it never happened.

Instead, they made my dream a reality in the form of a suburban tour, with cupcakes from bakeries in our area! Right down to the voting papers, we got down to business eating cupcakes and sharing our favorites all while sipping on delicious vino and getting short massages in the other room by a local masseuse who came just for us. Royalty. It was my kind of birthday.

le menu

Rating the delicious cakes

Made by Jenny... these were yummy!

Local bakery with fun Halloween sprinkles

I think that one in front was the winner. White/Black cupcake. So divine.

It's possible that I visit this bakery a lot. It's possible.

Made by Kim... also amazing. She knows how to bake vegan-- just add more chocolate chips!

Super decadent

Oh happy day.

Some of the people... some of the cupcakes

Kim & Jenny had to leave before photos... but here is some of the crew.

I make it my personal duty to ruin at least one photo in a bunch... that's what happens when I'm forced to take too many!

Danielle will appreciate these last two photos.
I have no idea what they're doing.

You're welcome, Danielle. ;)
I was just minding my own business while showing off my socks (see left bottom). Still don't know what they were doing.

One of my friends above also turned 30 recently, and we took her to a new, fancy bowling, bocce, and cocktails joint in a nearby suburb. Same friends, different party.

Firepit after bowling

Creepster eyes while eating dessert

Happy Birthday to us!

Canada, Oh Canada

We heart you, Canada. As we were there, Ray was telling me that he could definitely live there. I agreed with him, but we were both quick to admit that it's because they're quite similar to the U.S. with some added, lovely European touches. We'd been to Canada before (and here), but up through British Columbia and never near the East. However, they do need to get more Targets and Chipotles ASAP. They're working on it. I saw the big red bullseye in construction. It was a lovely thing.

We spent the first few days on business travel and the last few days having fun with some pretty freaking awesome friends I met through blogging. Let's just say that we're so happy to have met that we'll be setting dates to meet on an annual or bi-annual basis.

The drive was 8 hours, which is about our max on driving in one day, but totally do-able! We drove through during the fall leaves changing in Michigan and that was quite lovely. And I know it's hard to believe, but B didn't cry at all during the entire 8 hours back home until about 1 mile from home. I know. Awesome.

Niagara Falls. I'd visited the U.S. side back when we were dating with Ray and his family, but this was my first time on the Canadian side! No socks. Go ahead, judge me. ;)

Notice the jacket. And the rainbow. And the other {human} rainbow.

Large waterfalls? Whatevs, Mom.

You wouldn't believe he was screaming his head off in the car about 3 minutes before this picture, eh? Niagara on the Lake is stunning,! Who knew it would be so cute with tons of wineries!?

We fully intended to visit the Kitchener-Waterloo Oktoberfest that boasts being the second largest to Germany, but babies weren't allowed in the festivities. Ray ended up going on his own with work colleagues and I spent my 30th birthday having dinner with a fab friend and her incredibly cute chiquita. I spent the majority of the time trying to prevent B from screaming and had more hummus and turmeric stains on my clothes than I'd like to admit, but it was wonderful.

The next day while Ray was working again, I headed to visit Laura and Grace. B took over the toys like no one's business.

We stayed over at Laura's for two days and had long nights of dinner and drinks and overall awesomeness with them. It was so much fun and we were so sad to drive home. This day we headed downtown and had lunch at the top of the CN Tower at the 360 restaurant. Here we are in the Distillery District in front of some disturbing creature.

At a chocolate factory in the Distillery District and B is checking Laura out. My son likes hot ladies... what can I say?

Laura's taken? I guess I'll drool {literally} over this little baby-love.

Baby dangler at the top of the CN Tower.

Friends and Rainbows.

Two very gorgeous boys that I love.

Love!

Yes, that is a crazy paparazzi taking photos that will likely be posted on the internet in Asia. And maybe in magazines. And newspapers. Our husbands don't seem to mind parading our children for the World to see.

We seriously had such a good time. Ray was nervous as we pulled up to their house and I explained that he's met many of my friends and their husbands before... and he countered that he has met many, but never stayed at complete strangers' houses two nights in a row! I'm pretty sure more words were spoken between Ray and Scott than between Laura and myself, so that apprehension was quickly nixed after just minutes into conversation over dinner. We also discussed that it was just nice knowing that they get us on all levels. We have an unspoken (or spoken!) understanding that we have sons that are no longer here and that we miss them. There was nothing taboo and nothing uncomfortable about it. Cannot wait to head back to see them again!