It's Just... I'm Busy

...and I don't presume it will get any easier with two kids in school and both of us working full time.

The things looming through my head are all teacher-related and hypothetically planning lessons, buying way too many resources on Teachers Pay Teachers and buy things to make my classroom #thebestever.

It's probably boring for the masses... so I just keep those thoughts to myself. Except, I do want to talk about the cute furniture I bought for my conference/conversation corner of my classroom.

I have big visions, you guys. I want tables and no desks. I want some standing tables for kids to conference about projects. Shoot, I want a standing desk for myself! I want a lowered table for kids to work at floor-level. I realize I'm in a new school, so I'm not getting too crazy (okay, a little).

Here's a quick tour of the classroom *I think* I will have. They brought me through and it sounded like unless the team decides otherwise (doubtful), it's mine. It walks to the outside and much of the school is indoor. It's a hybrid campus, but I'm happy to have a classroom with fresh air access. The stuff in the center is from the former teacher who used this as a pullout resource room last year.

All the teachers say "OOOooo, storage!"

 Wifi is going to be fast-- it's in the corner there. ABC chart coming down! It's being replaced with this.

A sink! (Okay, I've never not had a sink...)

That area in the left corner is going to be my conference/conversation nook. And here's what I'm putting in it (currently sitting in my bedroom waiting for classroom access-- hopefully next week).

IKEA PS VÅGÖ (x2)

IKEA LACK side table (re-purposed from this post 3.5 years ago)

IKEA Hampen rug

This is not the exact pillow fabric, but it's close... I can't seem to find the right one?! (IKEA)

So, fun story on the chairs. I really want the dark blue or teal. I love teal. But, the only IKEA in all of Arizona (eye-roll emoji) only carries the white. I was willing to design around it. I tracked the stock prognosis for a week and all was well. They had a dozen in stock and sold maybe 5 the whole week prior. The following day, I checked and NONE! I was super bummed, especially because they're a seasonal item that doesn't typically get restocked. We decided to press forward and head there anyway, only to find a single one, in semi-scuffed state. They dropped the price for me, but I was still pretty bummed. Then, as we walked through the store, we spotted another in a display! They dropped the price again and gave us both for $40. Not perfect, but for 33% off, so obviously I'll take it. And did I mention that Claire is finally tall enough for the IKEA Smaland and we had a glorious hour sans kids to poke around IKEA? That alone made her day (and mine, if I'm being honest). It was like a mini date with my husband!

I have a ton more stuff for the space, but I'm mostly excited about the cubbies (since we won't have desks) and built-ins that I won't even come close to filling with the stuff I have. I feel like I'm at a stand still though, because while I'm buying great lesson ideas and resources from TPT like there's no tomorrow and have a million of my own plans in my head zooming around, I can't access my official school email or get started collaborating in our Google Classroom space because I'm not technically on the clock for another 2 weeks. My colleagues are in there planning and I'm in waiting. #soongrasshopper #iknow

I'm hoping to get in there next week and at least make the space semi-ready and organized so I can hit the ground running with the planning process. I'm so pumped about the school, planning with some great colleagues and creating a truly unique and purposeful learning environment for my students. 

Back in the Saddle

I'm currently sitting poolside (as the kids swim) getting started on reading for my NEW TEACHING ASSIGNMENT!

I posted here about how I really hoped to get back into teaching this year. I transferred my credential to Arizona, cleared my fingerprints and just started applying. I've had a credential in 4 states at this point. I was pretty picky about being in the same district as my kids for proximity and school schedule reasons. We're also not in dire need of more income (though it's always really nice!) and if I couldn't land a job in the district, I would just find myself subbing until it happened.

My flexibility has changed considerably since having kids and the thought of going full time with two small kids is already overwhelming. I didn't have much to worry about, turns out, because I landed 3 interviews within a week and ended up interviewing from our empty guest room, sitting on a couple pillows with my tripod and iPhone propped on a moving box. Our furniture was out of the house and the first two interviews were done via FaceTime. I would later cancel the third interview for a school that was likely the worst fit for a tech-savvy teacher like myself. I don't believe in top down, teacher directed learning. I most definitely would've been a phony in that environment. Plus, it meant a real commute of over 10 miles. #nothanks

Place where dreams are made.

As luck would have it, my first and second interviews were 20 minutes apart and I felt like I couldn't have done better at them. It proved to be true because I received a call 1.5 hours later offering me my first choice position, first choice grade level and first choice school in the entire district. It's a STEAM focused school, 2.2 miles away from the school my kids will attend and only 4 miles from our house. I didn't get the second job, which also baffles me because I was so prepared and felt that was probably the best interview of my life, even having read their PTA meeting minutes and quoting their programs. It's all water under the bridge because they weren't my first choice either and at the time of finding out I didn't pass their interview, I had already received and returned my contract for my first choice school.

Pinch me. (Okay, pinch me again because Arizona salary is 48th worst in the nation). Teaching is semi-public servant role and all fueled by the love of learning and student relationships. Despite a MA+22 and years of teaching experience, I'm getting paid worse than my first teaching assignment at age 23, but regardless.

I'm officially on payroll starting July 25th and kids start August 7th. Other than feeling utterly overwhelmed by the juggling of kids and working and basically being a first year teacher again, I'm over the moon. I'm also back to being a student myself, as I just signed up for a course focused on STEAM teaching to bump me up to the next pay scale and to get me back into the teaching mindset.

Poolside, right now, I'm starting with STEAM Makers, followed by at least 5 more books on using Google Classroom. I feel like I started teaching too early. Like, now schools have finally arrived to teaching the way I have always wanted to be part in designing. I have a lot to learn, but here's to getting started.

Updates on life: It's a warm one here, folks. We are totally loving having a pool in our backyard. We spent 3 nights moving things from the moving truck after the kids were in bed and that proved to be the smartest move. No more boxes are around and we're feeling mostly normal with internet and a full fridge of food, creating ways to avoid turning on the stove for dinner. Which means, we also bought our first gas grill and even had our toaster oven outside to avoid heating the house. Living the Sonoran Desert dream.

Itching.

I'm going back to work this fall. I'm not sure what I'll be doing or if I'll even have a job, but the kids are going full time and I'll be free to join the working class once again.

As much as I'm grateful for the 5+ years I've spent being home with my kids, I'm so ready (more if you count our Germany experience and sub teaching during my entire pregnancies with my two boys).

In fact, I'm antsy. I'm finding myself counting down the months until that will be my new reality. (I know, the grass is always greener and some people would kill to have my position!) I love my kids, I do. But, as they grow more self-sufficient, I find myself seeking intellectually challenging life outside the home. It could be that I'm also watching my husband in a job that he just loves and talks about how "fun" it is to work there and how it's more intellectually stimulating than his last two jobs. Gimme a piece of that. I'll take what he's having.

The thing is, I wouldn't take a day back of this full time mothering experience, despite knowing I'd be further advanced in my career and with options galore. Because what I did do when I chose to be at SAHM for those years, was shelf those advancements, pension... and contacts. I have zero recent or relevant networking to my name. All of my professional contacts are at least 4+ years old. It doesn't help that we've moved twice and plan to move once more before I officially find myself back on campus.

Teaching is an interesting career. It semi-favors parents, because you can leave and return with relatively little risk, but when it comes to switching states, that's not entirely the case. Each state, though "reciprocal" as they claim, favors their own. For whatever reason, the candidate who was educated through their system, attended their in-state university and student taught in their zip codes has the upper hand in the process. People, even at educational institutions, favor familiarity. It's more comfortable (and easier) to compare their needs, interests and even personal hobbies with someone who has been on their turf the longest. They're a presumed easier fit and even truer, an unlikely flight risk (which admittedly, I am).

It's been 11 years since I first interviewed for a teaching position. Recently, I went through the screener interview (with the only district I'll consider in Arizona). If I'm being honest, it wasn't my best interview. There were 12 questions and I aced 11 of them, but that 12th was a total brain drain for me. I drew a complete blank. I'm definitely rusty on the interviewing front and that was likely evident. (Forgive me, as I spend my days repetitiously reading the same Mo Willems stories.)

The mediocre interview was for the district my kids will attend school and frankly, I feel uncomfortable having my long-ago network of employers and colleagues writing recommendations for the laundry list of districts that exist. I'm a hustler, but I don't expect my retired boss from 2006-2008 to have emails blowing up her computer. I've chosen to stick with one district. If it means I'll be a substitute for the first year or so, great. Being an elementary teacher is one of the most sought-after teaching positions around and the shortages are in the least desirable positions. Perhaps I should've considered that when getting my degree in K-8!

For the record, I spoke with the hiring coordinator for the district and she assured me that contracts aren't due for awhile and she requested that if I did get a job elsewhere, to let them know so I could be removed from their list (which obviously means my totally bombed question didn't eliminate me from the pool entirely, but I'm not naive to assume I'm anywhere near the top of the list of those 60+ interviewees).

I guess substitute teaching won't be so bad, anyway. I will be able to make my own schedule for awhile, as my kids will have unique needs in the beginning of this new journey (i.e. early dismissal) and it will allow me to learn a lot more about the area, district, and create those networking contacts I desperately need to update. I'll just have to set my ego aside and enjoy the ride. I'm sure before long I'll be reminiscing about those carefree park days with my friends and lamenting having to pack lunches for the whole family every single day, except the husband, who lives the #dotcom life and has catered meals every day.

Remember Book-It!?

As a kid in the 80's, I was all about the Book-It! program. It's still in action, people! It's been around since '84, which is right in the zone of my elementary years.

You mean I could read books, get star stickers on my scratchy holographic-looking shirt pin and when I filled the pin up, I could get a free mini pizza from Pizza Hut? The one that had an arcade inside with video games?

I thought it was a total deal. Like really, free food, Mom and Dad! (Except it wasn't free at all. I got a free $3 pizza but then my parents spent an extra $20 for dinner for the rest of the family. Being a parent makes you see things much differently.)

But regardless, it was a program that motivated kids and rewarded them with delicious pizza and made them not only excited, but PROUD to be a reader. I love literacy promotion however you can manage it, even if that means bribing kids with pizza. Bring it.

So it turns out Chipotle has their own program now and if you're a teacher or a librarian or a student or a principal or a parent of a student in K-5, you should totally get behind this. I love books and I love Chipotle and my kids will actually eat there, so obviously I can get behind a program like this!

Maybe this program gave me an excuse to take a trip down memory lane. (I bet I still have that pin if I look hard enough.) And to think I will have a kindergartner that will actually, finally be of age to participate in such programs makes me super stoked.

And Chipotle burritos are totally better than pizza, right?

*I was not paid to advertise this. I just got an email about it and will totally be bringing this program up to Benjamin's future elementary school and wanted to share. Jury is still out if I'm planning to take part in the PTA. Any PTA parents out there? As a teacher... it's usually a no-go...

Dusting Off the Credential

Every time we move, I update my teaching credential and transfer it to the new state. I earned my BA, credential and MA in California where I then taught. Then moved to Illinois where I had to pay the man more money to test out of their silly state history, math and Science and also prove my knowledge of best teaching practices. Not to boast, but I received nearly a perfect score in every single category (which means either it is really easy to pass Illinois teaching tests or I was a lucky guess on the state history and state capitol stuff because I seriously know nothing about Springfield. I've never even been to Springfield other than driving through to get to St. Louis.)

Now moving to Nevada, I've quickly learned that the state is hurting for teachers. They hold teacher hiring fairs, which is something I've never heard of in my professional life. Other than being approached by a teaching recruiter (those exist?!) in the Denver airport once and being asked if I would ever consider working in Dallas because positions were flying from schools, I'd never imagined the possibility of acquiring a teaching job so easily. I visited the Nevada DOE site to see just how many hundreds of available jobs there really are for the taking.

In Illinois, teaching jobs were hard to come by, just as difficult as they are were California. I was super lucky to be hired just off the boat of earning my credential at the ripe age of 23. But now, I've been a stay-at-home-mom with some teaching experience at college level and some specialist teaching assignments in random schools of Illinois, but mostly I've just taught my own kids about life.

Which doesn't exactly translate into updating resume experience.

With both kids in preschool (part time) this year, I'm using that time to get my credential and resumes updated and in good working order for a potential entrance back into classroom life next fall. If the jobs are to be had and we are staying put in Reno for the time being, it would be the perfect opportunity to jump back in where they actually could use me. And, it would be an easy way to bump that resume back up to working order. There's something appealing about not having to fight out the newbie college grads and knowing that because of their desperation for teachers, they might be willing to look past my advanced degree (translation: must be paid more) so they can fill the job.

There are real logistics to work out, like how we'd manage Benjamin's care before and after kindergarten (!) during the transition time and what full-day preschool/daycare combo we would work out for Claire. That would likely start in the winter when preschools begin to accept students for the following year. With a potential extra income coming in, we might even consider the super expensive college tuition type montessori school for Claire, because I'd like to know that if I'm headed back into the classroom that I'm giving her the best alternative to mom, at least according to their tuition cost. One would hope they are striving for the highest heights with the quote I received over the phone that sent my jaw dropping. And the crazy part is, their student capacity is maxed out this year. South Reno can be kinda fancy.

Chatting with two of my CA teacher friends today, it putting teaching back on my mind. With the house (hopefully) closing next month and therefore providing us with closure on our exit from Illinois, it just seems natural to start looking ahead to our next steps. It's a bit sooner than I pictured going back, but one I think might actually work well for us as a family in the upcoming year. Exciting things have already happened and exciting things are yet to come.

I'm just happy I'm not headed back this year, as the possibility of teaching kindergarten would just about knock the wind out of me. Andrew, this would be your year, buddy. I hate that it's not.

Grant Writing... and Winning!

As summer comes to a close and school starts up soon (Benjamin tomorrow! Eeek!), I am once again reminded of how much I miss the classroom. I miss the freshness of new kids coming in, organizing, planning for instruction, and what I miss the very most, teaching. I just love watching my own kids grow everyday, but I do excitedly dream of heading back to the classroom in the future.

During my teaching years, I wrote a lot of grants. In fact, I was one of the main writers on our team to win our school the California Distinguished Schools Award for the first time. Many veteran teachers had been on the committee before and the school never won after years of trying. They said it couldn't be done. Everyone was discouraged. If you know me, you know I'm fairly determined and not willing to take no for an answer if what I want is something I'm passionate about. Well, we did it. In addition, I won a series of grants through Mobil to be the only classroom on our campus with a SmartBoard, EXPO document camera, students response systems and a variety of other teaching tools, many related to technology. I love writing grants. Maybe it's my journalism background that just gets fired up. Or maybe it's the competition of it all.

Well, it's been a few years. A month or two ago, I randomly saw a program online by JOLLY TIME Pop Corn called the Kernals of Kindess awards program. They were selecting individuals or organizations that "pop up" and make a difference in other peoples' lives. They were giving away 100 grants of $1,000 to keep doing great work in honor of JOLLY TIME's 100th anniversary (of being a 5th generation family-run company... how cool is that?). When I saw this, I immediately thought of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and the impact they made on us as a family, giving us the precious gift of Andrew's only photos. Those photos mean more to us than any other gift because that is all we have of our son. We're just so grateful. And we didn't pay a dime for those photos or the 1 a.m. session of that photographer coming into our hospital room and facing us at our worst time. I wanted to support this amazing non-profit and give it a go! I had nothing to lose and only about 15 minutes of my time to sacrifice-- a lot less time than that photographer spent with us that night.

I put my fingers to work and filled out the application, nominating NILMDTS. I don't remember what I wrote, but wish I remembered! I randomly checked my junk mail box last night to find an email announcing I won one of the 100 grants.

Out of 6,620 entries!

The story of NILMDTS will be featured in October and I can't wait to link you all to that when it comes around. Aside from the monetary gift, they are receiving so much publicity that is much-needed for the fantastic non-profit that they run. Conveniently, as my friend Caroline pointed out, they will be featuring the story during the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness week in October. I don't know if that's just coincidental, but it's fantastic.

While it's just a snippet, just look up at the header of my blog to see some of the art of a fantastic NILMDTS volunteer photographer to know why I am indebted to their kindness and work on behalf of grieving families.

Benjin Language

Benjamin insisted on having his "ABCD Chart" in his bed at naptime today. He always requests "Mommy lay down" with him, but I tell him I will count to 14 (he knows 1-13 and I'm trying to gradually build understanding by adding the next number) and lay my head on his pillow with him.

It's 1:48 and he's been in bed nearly 3/4 of an hour and still chatting away. Among the chatter, I just heard:

"Fix it wheel, Mommy's car" (had a flat this morning and AAA came to the rescue)

I love to check my email during naptime while listening to him chat away. Well, I am cool with it for awhile, then I hope he falls asleep because he is not a happy kid without a nap. Eavesdropping on him these days is just so innocently sweet and I presume way better than eavesdropping on a teenager of which he will be in just over 10 years. He talks about what he knows and says words that he understands at this sweet age of 2.

The thing is, he doesn't always say words correctly. The teacher in me screams correct him each time! But the mom in me who adores his innocence and is amazed by his gradual acquisition of words we speak aloud all the time. The mom in me just wants to listen and soak it in. And videotape each word-- as my husband rolls his eyes and tells me we don't have to save everything.

I talk with Benjamin all day long. I ask him questions. I give him choices. I verbalize things I'm doing (especially when I go to the potty because HELLO KID, we only have EIGHT toilets you can use, including kid potties). I sing songs with him and read books and recite poems and books and practice letters and numbers. I connect what we're learning with books we read and try to invite learning experiences to everyday activities. I'm a teacher and that's just how the trained brain of a teacher works! He has no shortage of language development. There are plenty of kids his age who are speaking full sentences with every word in the correct order and in perfect sequence, and there are kids his age who are speaking less. I have no hangups about this. He is developing perfectly. He often shies when around kids he isn't around often and adults he doesn't know. But if you know him well and the environment is less hectic, he will talk, talk, talk.

His vocabulary lately is astounding. We were climbing on top of real (and legitimately tall) war tanks at Cantigny Park a couple weeks ago and he spoke loudly, "Nervous!"

We hadn't been using that word or asking him if he was... he just told us his emotion correctly in the moment. Not scared. Not "Mommy down", but nervous.

Having an understanding of emotions and verbs is so fun to hear. Yes, he knows hoards of nouns and certainly knows all the words to things he wants (show, treat, milk, juice, toy, trucks, pool, ice cream...), but to verbalize his feelings with intellectual language just amazes me.

When he went on the potty recently (twice ever) and whenever he completes a puzzle correctly or manages putting on his own shoes or finishes a meal (miracle in itself), he recently started using the word "celebrate" to commemorate his achievements. He even throws his hands up and yells "hooray" and claps. He also checks to make sure you're also sufficiently celebrating with him.

He says a few things that I simply have a hard time correcting because the mom in me (who knows he will learn soon and correct himself eventually) is winning over the teacher:

"Benjin" - I say his name correctly all. day. long. And sometimes he says it right. But isn't it just adorable?
"Hug you" & "Help you" - He's really trying to say "hug me" and "help me", but is getting hung up on correct pronoun usage.
"I lub you" - I mean. Really. How cute.
"Say-key" - Somehow that means "scary" and just this week, he's gradually moving over to the correct pronunciation.
"Gawbee" - That's what he calls my mom. Not a single person ever said that. We always used "Grandma" and he somehow managed Gawbee. It stuck.
"Gramie Daddy" - He calls Grandma Wilson "Gramie" just like we introduced her as... but Grandpa Wilson? He is referred to as Gramie Daddy. You know, the Daddy version of a Gramie. Touche.

The teacher in me is thrilled that his language is transforming and some of his former Benjamin-isms are transforming into word mastery and the mom in me is having heart flutters... both good and bittersweet that my little boy is growing so quickly.

While I just love our Benjamin and want him to grow and achieve and kick serious butt on those arbitrary development charts, I also want Benjin to personally develop and grow and personally enjoy learning about his world.

Little Nuances

I've spent the last few days doing the single mom gig. The husband is away on business and I've been dreading him leaving. It really has nothing to do with the daytime, as I'm solo with that daily anyway. It's all about the 6:30-8:30 time when we usually have him around.

Bedtime is no easy task with two littles. It can be done, but one of them is likely crying in the process. As a wee baby, Benjamin had what we call the witching hour that was more like 2-3 hours of fussiness and some crying before bedtime. It's when he was alert and obviously tired. Well, Claire is no different. She's a pretty agreeable baby for the most part, but the witching hour(s) can really exhaust a person.

I was thinking to myself during a nursing session at 2:30 a.m. about the little things we say. My husband had written me an email and expressed how wild it was being able to type "kids" at all. I sat there in thought about how parents speak of their experiences. Sort of having a silent conversation with myself (you know, because when your husband is out of town, you get little adult chit-chat) about how both of my children had that wild witching hour each night.

And how crazy it would be to say all or none instead of both. When you have two kids, the pronoun fits the number as a pair. Words like neither and both are used. Always and only two kids being referred to here. When you have three or more children, the pronoun changes, yet remains the same for three... or millions.

While incredibly awesome it's been to say kids and both, that all or none would be totally awesome-r.

Fun little anecdote: Since I went all teacher on you in this post, I have to mention that one of the most difficult adjectives for kids in elementary school to spell is awesome. They would always leave out the first e for some reason. Compound word, too. Just to geek this up a little more. Awe + some. It's awesome because it has some awe factor to it.

Seasonal Changes & Library Love

It's not quite summer anymore, but it's not quite fall/winter. The water park has been closed for a few weeks. The weather hovers in between both warm and cool seasons and we're still plenty active outside. My grand design is to get B outside as much as possible in the warmer months (anything above freezing) because winter is-a-comin' and he's never been this mobile in the winter.

I'm scared. Are other stay-at-home-moms that don't live in Southern California scared?

Thankfully, I bought two snow bibs and a nice jacket that should serve us well when he absolutely must be in the snow. And I bought myself a rockin' pair of snow boots that will keep me from falling on my arse this winter. My pair is tan/red and I think it will make me more motivated to schlep the kiddo places and do things like purchase food for my family. There have been winters that I get very creative based on my complete disinterest to exit into the negative degree temps.

Back to my original topic. What to do during the day with a toddler who doesn't much desire being cooped up inside and dealing with my sheer boredom of the same local parks we already visited 347 times this summer...

I strategically plan for things like swim lessons and gymnastics (and other classes, etc.) to take place in the winter months. It allows him to release some energy and it gives us somewhere to go when the weather is harrowing. I have a whole list of places/activities that work for winter and summer days. Fall and spring are in-between and overlap.

Winter: local church we attend that has an indoor play area & ride-on toys, swim lessons, gymnastics, library storytimes, children's museum, playdates at friends' houses, indoor play area we pay $1 each time, seasonal fests...

Summer: local and drive-to parks, water park membership, library storytime, splash pads, children's museum, playdates, seasonal fests, exploring in our own backyard (or the yards of unlucky neighbors with no fences!)

On both of those lists... library storytime. Not only are we religiously at the library to check out books and puzzles each week (the educator in me), but we attend about 1-3 storytimes for different age groups and at different libraries. Libraries we're not even members at sometimes! When no registration is required, it's basically an open invitation for free social interaction, early literacy exposure, and entertainment.

Our local library only has one small branch because we live in a small town in a big suburb. There is a 0-2 storytime and a 2-3 storytime we're attending each week. And the other libraries in our school district (but not the library we have membership) have tons of storytimes at each of the branches run by different people, with different kids, and different stories. We attend a toddler storytime for 18mo-3 and a family storytime of a hodgepodge of ages. We've even gone to Barnes & Noble for storytime! They have a toy train set and a Starbucks that sells Cheesecake Factory cheesecake slices, so that's always a winner, even if the books aren't. Just about every day of the week offers a storytime within a 4-mile radius we can attend.

I know. Totally a library junkie. But I didn't mean for it to be that way. It just drives me looney when I look at the calendar and see _______ for the day's activities. I feverishly find somewhere for us to go in order to break up the monotony of being home all day long. It's not fair to Benjamin and Lord knows I'm bored!

Before you become all impressed about how studious we are, I'd like to point out that Benjamin spends the majority of the time being bribed with raisins to stay in the room, walking around and locating clocks, buttons, and opening any cabinets. And if there is a single electronic device that can be tinkered with at his level (or not, he requests "up please"), especially with bright lights or sound, he's off and running. The most recent storytime we went to, the lady was using a document camera. Right away I knew we lost him. He's not the kid who sits in my lap or happily participates in all the activities. That was my pre-walker. Now he cannot be bothered. And yet, we still attend. Because I figure a library is a fine place to explore where there are people, books, puzzles, and often times, a play area.

What's funny about observing his complete disinterest during storytime is that he loves books. He can't get enough. I don't read fewer than 50 books a day to this kid, and he has a name for most of the ones he loves. Thank heavens for a library card that allows me to check out other books that I haven't memorized. And yes, the sharing of germs simply have to be forgotten... otherwise we'd never leave the house.

I mean, this is the same kid who sucked on the stylus pen at the Target checkout a week ago. That still haunts me.

Future Endeavors and Updates

I received an email asking if I'd be interested in teaching another MA course in Education (with a side of technology). If I teach this, I get an iPad. Pretty good incentive if you ask me. Well, they aren't giving me an iPad, but they are paying me to teach... and since I want an iPad, I'll be able to purchase one with the money I make in teaching the course. Okay, so I can buy one right now if I wanted to (all that money we're saving not having a living child!), but turns out I'm kind of cheap and need the justification to purchase luxury items. I actually like teaching about and discussing education issues, leadership, technology, and how the three are so intertwined. It's a passion.

Some of my current obsessions passions include (in this order):

• Happy Husband
• Andrew
• Trying to conceive (and failing miserably)
• Lamenting with fellow BLMs about missing our babies and ttc
• Eating delicious food
• Education/Technology

So it may be on the bottom end of the spectrum, but it still makes the cut. Because various things like looking presentable, making smalltalk, being anywhere near babies or pregnant people or happy people or most people in general isn't making the cut right now.

Trying to make lemonade out of sour lemons, I might actually be doing something I love this fall! It's not in stone yet, but it seems promising considering they are asking me back to teach. Rather than going back to the elementary/middle school classroom (which I'll still sub for), I'll be able to teach again specifically targeting my greatest teaching passion. I think that's what I needed. I needed something to come up that would allow me to teach, but not something that would inhibit the ability to get pregnant again... if that'll ever happen. Y'all know the reason I don't want to go back to the classroom full time right now. Because in the event that I do happen to give birth to a live baby (ever? ever???), I WILL be taking that time to tend to that child. It's not something I'd be willing to negotiate. I'd eat beans and rice for the rest of my life if that meant I'd have the chance to be a mom who is present with her children. Not that we have that concern, but I'm just going extreme and all superlative on you for effect.

It's helpful that my husband has been hoping I'd find something I'm passionate about in the interim and this is definitely checking that box. Yay. I have purpose and might actually help impact student lives for the better. I've almost forgotten what that feels like. And it sort of helps knowing that even if Andrew were here and alive right now, I'd still probably be teaching this course. I'm not teaching because he's gone, but because it's a passion and will remain so. It's nice to know that my grief isn't getting in the way of feeling passionate about something other than being a mom.

In other (food related) news, a friend dropped by a loaf of bread she baked. She lived in France for awhile and since we also have our own European living experience, we share a love for delicious bread. It's something the United States doesn't fully grasp. Europeans would never buy American sliced bread and scoff at our interest to do so. They sell it there and refer to it as American toast. It practically rots on the shelves. And to think food wouldn't be part of this post. It's now been mentioned twice. Cause you know, it's a passion. :)

Unrelated update: Also, I deactivated my facebook account. I can't take it anymore. The pictures of adorable babies and cutesy comments are maddening. Time for a mental break. That, and a former friend emailed my husband trying to contact me and said she saw me in a picture looking pregnant and if so, she's SO happy for us. Don't have the heart to tell her that the picture was taken last September. When Andrew was alive and my dreams of mothering that little nugget weren't dead either.

But can I get a yahooooo for at least some gems of happiness here and there?

Still in Utter Disbelief

You'd think that I'd absolutely assume the reality that my son died by now. But you want to know what? About half of my days, I still take a moment to live through the reality that my son really is dead. He's not still growing. He's not on a vacation from us (Yeah, like I'd ever let that happen anyway. He doesn't even get that now!).

He. is. not. coming. back. I will never know why and that IS our reality. It's absolutely horrible. Like the worst horrible ever. Until the day I die, I will forever be a mom on earth missing her son in a deep way.

I still cannot fathom, during some moments, that he really, really is gone.

Something silly (and shameful) that often pops into my brain is the ignorance I once held about mothers of stillborn children. I don't know if I really ever thought it through, but I'm sure if you would have asked me prior to Andrew's birth how stillbirths occur, I would have probably, embarrassingly, told you that they were often due to the mother's negligence. For thousands of years, babies have been born to parents who weren't taking extra precautions to take prenatal vitamins, stay away from secondhand smoke, etc. I guess because so many children are born to parents who are abusive while having a child in utero (i.e. drugs) and by God's grace (Why them?) are spared, I couldn't imagine babies being born dead with no known cause to women who were cautious and nurturing. Sure, there's a cause. We just don't know it and never will. Neither will my friends who are parents of children taken by SIDS, or miscarriages.

I would apologize for the outrageous amount of DB posts lately, but it's my reality for the rest of my life. How do you think I feel being that person who actually lives in these shoes and doesn't just read a sad post and carry on with my day? That was me before Andrew. I read them, too, and felt sorry. I cried at some. I thanked God I wasn't in their shoes. It's a whole different ballgame now.

Switching gears a bit...

I read this news article about a little boy who said that during a surgery, he slipped away to heaven. He sat on Jesus' lap, and met a sister in heaven he didn't know he had. It turns out that his mother had miscarried before he was born and that child was in heaven. He "came back" and told his family about his encounters and the sister he met that he never knew existed.

Listen. I don't necessarily believe that to be complete truth, nor am I in a place to reject it. But wouldn't that be lovely for us BLMs if it were true? This idea this boy revealed that our deceased babies are in heaven enjoying themselves, growing, and experiencing no hurt? Wouldn't that be just a wonderful release for us who are missing them so terribly? If Andrew were actually the age he is meant to be (15w2d) and not always 38w5d gestation? Wouldn't it be wonderful that although we must endure such incredible heartache and sadness for the rest of our lives, that our babies are living a peaceful life in heaven? I do believe Andrew lives in heaven with his creator, but I'm just not sure about the child visiting heaven, seeing things we aren't sure will be, and then coming back to share with us on earth.

Another gear change...

I wanted to really title this post "Still in Utter Disbelief & How Much I HATE the Teacher's Lounge", but I figured keeping it short would be best--though it appears I've written a novel thus far.

As a kid, the teacher's lounge is a mortal abyss where no student has ever gone before. To some teachers, it's the land of gossip and nagging about the principal and the latest textbook adoption. It's the place that has far too many caloric treats that just ask to be glued to your thighs. And to some of us, it's the wretched place we have to store our lunches.

I was sitting in the TL today as I often do with a book in hand (to avoid the lame chit-chat). One woman starts talking about OB/GYN malpractice and how of all cases against doctors, this field of medicine has the highest rate of claims. I knew that. I have a nurse friend (also a BLM) who deals with these cases as her daily job. It's just not something I liked hearing in the teacher's lounge with so much opinion attached.

One woman mentions that Rhode Island's OB/GYN system is unionized. First of all, don't even get me started on unions. Being a teacher and force-ably made to join a defunct union that just breeds carelessness, mediocrity, and laziness, I do not support them. Anyway, the teacher (being a union member herself) defended this as to say that, "If things go south in the delivery room, parents get all crazy and file claims"-- she even went on to say that her friend (the delivery nurse) has had to deal with 2 claims because of this. Had to? Oh. I. hate.

I hated this conversation for so many reasons. I think bullet points are necessary:

• I don't feel sorry for a nurse having to review a claim because someone possibly lost their child. It's a human life for goodness sakes. Having to take some time to review malpractice when you have better things to do? Two claims in her whole career thus far? That's hardly worth complaining about.
• I was in the room. Every teacher at this school knows I lost my baby quite recently (though IMO, it wouldn't matter if I lost him 50 years ago). While I'd prefer as much normalcy as possible, I don't enjoy hearing conversations about things going south in the delivery room like it's as casual as the weather. Going south is an understatement. Again with that whole human life thing. Perhaps it's easy to say for those who haven't lost a child, but a whole lot more happened in that delivery room than things just going south.
• I don't like reliving the delivery room scene. Okay, I relive it just about daily-- but that's not the point. I didn't need a reminder of my sadness.
• Doctors know that malpractice occurs. They are trained to ensure that they will honestly care for the public to the best of their ability. If they are not doing so, the public who pays heavily for this service (um, have you seen how much it costs to be administered a simple Tylenol in the hospital?!) is entitled to have their case reviewed. Negligent doctors need not be taking care of the public. Nor poor teachers instructing our youth... you get the picture.
• While malpractice occurs and I don't feel that is a concern in our case (reason we did not file a malpractice claim), I don't like how close-to-home this whole topic was. We're educated in our rights, but we're not doctors. Could something have alerted doctors before Andrew passed away? Maybe, but we don't think so. Can we change the fact that Andrew died? Nope. 

... stepping down off the soap-box right now ...

Before finishing this post, I read a recent message from a friend.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They have no worries in a year of drought and never fail!!! Jeremiah 17:7-8

I don't know about no worries and never failing, God, but I trust. On my knees, crying uncontrollably, but I trust.

So Why Aren't You a REAL Teacher?

Some of my favorite questions arise is typical conversations with outsiders. You know, people who aren't in the DB club.

Today I was subbing 6th grade and was out for recess duty with another substitute. The usual conversation starts and typically covers our various moving situations (CA to Germany to IL) and why I am a substitute rather than a real teacher. Sometimes I feel like talking about my firstborn baby dying, and sometimes I don't feel like going down that road and seeing the horrific faces and sad comments that ensue. Today was among the latter.

I mentioned our moving situation and how I would not be seeking full time employment in my field of expertise at this time because we are looking to start a family. Well, we already did, but that didn't work out as we planned, so we're back to square one. Usually the person also has children and wants to insert an unassuming, usually unoffensive comment once I mention the whole family planning reason as to why I'm a qualified teacher with years of experience, but choosing to be without a full-time job.

Here was today's little ditty. It's my favorite of the comments. If only they knew...

"Well, you can have my two kids whenever you want to try things out!"

Ah, yes. If only you knew, Mrs. happy-go-lucky-mom-who-obviously-isn't-in-the-DB-club. (Or at least to give her credit, hasn't renewed her membership recently.) I'd love to have my own kiddos, thanks. I don't need your help nor do I need "practice" on what it's like to be a mom. I'm pretty sure I'll figure that all out when it comes to me... if I'm ever so lucky.

Not that she was really offering her kids to me, but it's a sensitive topic.

For those who aren't friends with me outside of the blogosphere and don't know my crazy, clean-freak, Type-A, hate mornings self... a little more info. for you all.

I received my BA in Journalism, my teaching credential for K-9, and my MA degree in Educational Tech. I taught 4th and 5th grades in California before we packed up and moved to Germany for 6 months. There, I didn't teach, obviously. We arrived in IL just 2 weeks before I found myself pregnant with Andrew. Since we are blessed that my husband's job is enough to sustain us, we decided this would be a perfect time to start a family since I did not have a job to start/quit and all our ducks were in a row. Love the visual.

 {via}

Since I was just trying to pass time until our baby was born, I decided to earn a little extra cash substitute teaching. I also taught a MA course for teachers in technology, my area of expertise. I had full intentions of staying home with our son once he was born, so short-term was fitting. Well, you all know what happened next. Since Andrew died, I didn't want a job, I wanted my baby! I could get a full time job now, but I also could get pregnant {and feel it's irresponsible to accept a job when my full intentions are to quit it...and my heart is just not in it right now}. Once I become pregnant and give birth to future Wilson babies, I will be staying home. I missed everything with Andrew. It's simply not an option for me since we are blessed with the financial means for me to stay home. Some day again I'd love to go back to teaching, but not until my children are in school full time. I don't want to miss a thing. Life is just too precious. It's a whole lot more important to me than having a lot of money. Life is all about love and experiences. I always knew this was true, but I am even more of a believer having lost that chubby-cheeked baby boy.

Back to the Classroom I Go... Slowly...

So, I subbed today. It was my first day back since December 3rd, two days before Andrew was born. I only subbed half of the day and it was for the district I don't often sub for. Though I am technically employed with three different districts, I sub at two most often. One a lot and the other about once every week or two. The district I'm almost exclusively with has not yet been informed that I would like to come back. I'll call them on Monday. Maybe. Probably. So when I got a call last week to work two half days, I decided to go for it.

An aside... a blog (teacher) friend whose blog I've also been reading for sometime mentioned I sub at her district-- small world, huh? And another blog friend lived in a town my husband used to live and about 5 miles from where I grew up! It's sad to know she is also going through her own baby loss story. I hate that this agony is all too common but wonderful connecting with people who I have connections with in some way! :)

I don't know if I'm ready to go back {if I'm being honest}. But, I just can't sit at home either. And it would help to be making some money on the side considering all the trips we keep dreaming up to take and get out of town.

I had to give myself a pep talk. I had a somber moment in the car when I was on my way there. Every morning when I was driving to my assignment (while pregnant), I would talk to baby Andrew. I would say, "I love you little man" and tell him where we were going and what we were doing for the day. It sounds silly, but since I was getting back on the bicycle so to speak, I felt it natural to talk to him. I felt silly after I began, but realized that although he was no longer in my belly or in my presence, I could still talk to him. He's hanging out in heaven, bless his little soul. and little feet. and hands. and cute little eyelashes.

The school I subbed at is one I'd been at a few times before, but not enough times for the staff to really recognize me. That was somewhat nice because they weren't able to comment about my pregnancy or newborn baby. I would have likely recognized some of the students but I was subbing for a learning behavior specialist and was in a somewhat secluded zone of the school. In the very first class, there was a student named Thomas who was such a sweetheart. He said hello to me, shook my hand and asked how I was today. Then he proceeded to ask how my husband was doing. He asked my husband's name. Sweet, right?

Then he asked how my children were doing.

Ah, this is where I either buck up and find a response or break out in tears. He meant well and surely had no idea that a simple, considerate question would elicit such a sad response.

I reacted calmly and said, "Oh, I don't have any children." No tears. Without flinching.

And... my heart broke a little inside. Am I betraying Andrew by saying I have no children? Really, I don't have any living children that I must care for, so therefore I am not a mom. Yes, I birthed a child, but I didn't mother that child. I suppose I grew the child and cared for him in my womb, but I was more caring for myself and just avoiding certain things. Perhaps some people may disagree. It's such a weird, fine line. Is that how I answer it to avoid making others sad? That poor 7th grader who already has behavior/emotional concerns doesn't need me adding to the stress he carries in life.

Many mothers of babies lost struggle with this. Should they acknowledge their child to all those who ask, or is that unnecessary? Perhaps they don't feel it's fair to their deceased child, or they want "credit" for the birth? I don't know what to think about that... but I do know it creates some awkward moments with strangers.

I also had an encounter with an aide. She asked if I was qualified to teach math as a learning behavior specialist because there was an opening for that position. I politely explained that I was not looking for a full time teaching position at this time because we are hoping to become pregnant. But I felt wrong not telling her that I have been subbing for some time now because I anticipated being a stay-at-home-mom by now. I should be a SAHM by now. I shouldn't be talking with her in that classroom. I had to tell her (okay, I didn't have to but felt I deserved to explain my position on why I don't have a teaching position being fully qualified... prideful huh? ugh. I guess so.) that I recently had a child, just one that was born without a heartbeat. And then, like I feel is always necessary, I had to apologize for being the bearer of sad news. What a curse. As though it's not enough to lose your child... but then every time you break the news to innocent bystanders, you must console them. It's a confusing state to be in. We hugged and she left.

I'm not really a hugger but I tell you... I've never hugged more strangers in my life than in these last 6 weeks.

Interesting first day back. I need to get used to these encounters... but I'm not sure that's normal to get used to them. I will be heading back to the district I'm most exclusive with next week and everyone knows me at those schools. I've subbed in every grade level for nearly every teacher. They all know me by name and even the students know me well. I'm sure I'll need some blog therapy when that time rolls around.

Out with the old...

Here's what our house looked like last Friday morning...

About $8,000 later, we had a new roof, flashing over our gutters, and a new flat roof over our entrance.

This was just the beginning of the madness.

Ray's been out of town the past few days as he is having meetings in Colorado. I've been subbing every single day in middle school. While I enjoy the age of the students (grades 5-8), I haven't enjoyed the lesson plans all that much. I haven't taught a single thing! I give tests, police as students work on presentations, show movies, and play silly games. I just crave the chance to actually teach a lesson; a real one. While I don't blame the teachers (lesson plans are way easier when tests/projects are involved and they don't know who they are getting to sub), I struggle to stay awake half the time. It's also nice having 2 free planning periods and lunch. However, I have nothing to do during this time of solitude. Perhaps I can bring a book-- but I feel as though I should be working while I'm being paid. I've never known a school to have no additional preparations, copies, or grading that needed to be done... except this one! Today I spent my FIVE free periods in the library sorting books and helping students with homework. I nearly grabbed a mop-- I was that bored. 

I also struggle with this issue of over qualification. I am continually humbled. I am a credentialed teacher in two states and I can teach K-9. I just passed both tests that Illinois required (with flying colors, yay!) to officially transfer my credential to permanent status, and I have experience. I have graduate school under my belt and I'm even teaching a graduate course in education! Needless to say, substitute teaching has been a bit of a struggle. The great part of this experience, however, is getting to meet all of these educators and create connections. I am a sub in 3 districts (though I have only actually worked for 2 despite having been called by all 3) and I have met lots of great people-- and some notsogreat. I have created a great relationship with the sub caller in one of the districts and she has kept me busy! The primary elementary school I sub at are incredibly welcoming and other teachers have even referred to me as "awesome" when finding out I'll be covering for them. So, that does feel good. But I tell you... nothing would feel better than to actually teach a whole, brand new lesson from start to finish. I sure miss that.

On another note... I went for a run this afternoon in the rain and saw a ton of animals! It appears that they come out when all the humans go inside from rain. I saw 7 bunnies, 2 Cardinals, and about 10 baby geese with their mom. It was really serene and beautiful. 

My final Pièce de résistance today was this:

Yes... it's from Taco Bell. I stopped in because I saw a sign. I was a sucker for their advertisement! Anyhow, it tastes like a refreshing virgin margarita. For about $1.50, I am a fan! While I was there, the man next to me proceeded to order about 10 menu items and followed his order with, "for here" as he paid the nearly $20 for his personal feast! Where could all that food possibly go? I have more inappropriate things to say... but I'll refrain. Perhaps I've been hanging around with too many "mature" middle schoolers lately. I'm jaded.

Math, a girl's best friend.

I am taking a little break from our travel blogging (that will resume later today), to talk about teaching. I read a lot of teacher blogs, have a geeky master's degree all about learning, and I simply just have a passion for it. ...and I can't wait to get back into the classroom!

As we sat around this evening reading various articles on the Internet, we came across this one:

Girls' math fears may start with their {female} teachers

It came from msnbc.com and I appreciate the reporting. As a teacher, I find it incredibly important to maintain a positive attitude when teaching. Students can sense your dislike for being there, for teaching a certain subject, or even your dislike for them personally. It's a job I chose because I love to learn and I love to share my learning (and the joy I have in it) with children. I chose elementary school because I like teaching all subjects rather than just one. With that, I must teach... MATH. And, I love it.

Math wasn't my favorite subject in school, but I learned to love it through college and into teaching once I actually had professors teach me that it wasn't scary... that it wasn't something you are just allowed to suck at. I love teaching my students that math is not scary and that it is not something they should be afraid to give their best effort to achieve.

I didn't have those teachers in school. I wish I had. My teachers did admit their difficulty and dislike with math as a subject, sharing (how very kind) this dislike for the subject and inadvertently molding my view of whether I was "good enough" at math-- whether I could achieve great things or whether I would feel like a failure by trying.

Luckily, I chose to walk the opposite route in my teaching of math. I want my students, primarily girls, to have a positive attitude about their understanding at all levels. Whether they are GATE students or not, it is simply the teacher's job to speak positively about all subjects.

For the last few years, I taught the "smart" kids. I hate that we called them that; as if the other kids were the opposite. I had to deal with explaining that as we level, we aren't creating "dumb and smart classes"-- but kids are all too smart. I taught the kids who were privileged in their conceptual understanding having already been a base in their minds. Lucky them. I was also on the CUPS committee (conceptual understanding & problem solving) for the district I taught in. This was training I attended quarterly to learn unique ways to share concepts of math with students rather than teaching by lecture and memorization. In this training, I met other teachers, sometimes at the high school level. These high school math teachers expressed their frustration with elementary school teachers (most of which are female). Elementary teachers are the foundation these students have with regards to their feelings towards math. It actually becomes a "bad" word to some students after failing and being defeated all through primary and middle school. Some of these high school teachers begin their year asking their students to write a "math biography"-- outlining their life in relation to math. The accounts are astounding. The majority of biographies written by teenage girls all stem from their wonderful (yes, I am being smug) elementary teachers who willingly let these children believe that they weren't good at math, so that is acceptable.

Well, it's not. It's time we start teaching children with passion and without excuses. We aren't ever supposed to tell them what they should or shouldn't like; they can figure that out for themselves.

(but really, just Brandy)

Encounter with Two German Kindergartners

While we’ve been living here, we have had a chance to “run into” lots of scenarios that I never anticipated. Everyday we talk to strangers, so that's obvious. But, when living in another country and just learning the many facets of their language, it’s easy to pull back into your turtle shell (that taken from Because of Winn Dixie-- Opal describing her cowardly father). We’ve both run into scenarios where people continue speaking to us for minutes, literally, without us saying a word back. They generally have no idea we don't speak German fluently. Because, after all, we do look German. Luckily, we have enough of a grasp on the language to understand the overall picture and pick out details we’re more familiar with. Today’s scenario was special to me. I was walking to the parking area on my way to pick up Ray from work, and noticed a little girl standing in front of the car. She was about 5-years old with long blonde hair. There was no parent in sight. This is not abnormal for our street—the street doubles as a playground for children. Here is how the conversation went:

Brandy: Entschuldigung, bitte.

Girl #1: [moves out of the way] Es gibt ein Maus unter das Auto.

Brandy: [sees a cat next to the driver’s side door] Ein Maus?

Girl #1: Ja. Ein Maus.

Brandy: Unter meinem Auto?

Girl #2: [appears—brown hair, same age. Says something really fast in unrecognizable German]

Girl #1: Ja. Unter dein Auto!

Brandy: [walks to the side and ducks under the car to check—no mouse to be seen, gets in car and puts the car into reverse]

Girl #1 & Girl #2: [pointing, smiling as they mouse runs to the other side of the parking area]

*Please excuse my grammar errors. I still suck struggle at that.
**It is absolutely times like these when I love being around children. They were thoroughly excited to share their discovery with someone. Not only was I pleased that they used such simple language with me, the beginner, but I just loved their spirit of inquisition and wonder. It makes me yearn to teach soon even more. As a matter of fact, it's the entire reason I went into teaching. Maybe I can handle kindergarten after all. I only said maybe.