Pregnancy Revisited: Closed Uterus Edition

This might not be a post for the relatives. But they're gonna read anyway (and hopefully not comment), so here goes nothing.

We're done with growing our family. I've already mentioned this in previous posts, even when I was pregnant with Claire. It's just, I never imagined having three pregnancies, let alone three children. And I especially never could've dreamed (nightmared?) over the thought of having one of those children precede me in death.

My OB told me at my 6-month checkup not to do anything drastic if I wasn't sure we were done having children. By the end of our visit, she was handing me the card for the urologist.

I told her I was ready for the most drastic measure. Because even if something tragic were to happen to my living children, I'm not sure I could personally face another pregnancy again in my life. I can't replace the people they are anyway. There can be no accidents for me. I just spent the last three years fearing the loss of my children in utero and continue to fear loss. Granted, I'm thankful for the conception part being easy for me when I needed it-- we all have our battles and mine was the pregnancy itself. For me, pregnancy stress was slowly taking the life out of me.

We've contemplated this being a job for the husband... since really... haven't I been through enough? Similar to my beautiful friends who have fought infertility, I just feel like this part of our lives (the whole conceiving and birthing children part) was already so invasive. I seriously clocked a ton of hours in doctor waiting rooms, in chairs, triage rooms, the OR, sterile surgical environments... you name it. I was ready for him to have a turn.

But then there's this whole financial side of it all that has me being a disgruntled cheapskate. The lovely Affordable Care Act states that all contraceptives for women are covered. For men? Not at all. Well, unless the deductible and all that jazz, but that's irrelevant right now. Doesn't that bother any other women out there who have birthed babies at all? We have the finances to do whatever we want, but I like to weigh the pros and cons for all options... and the list does include finances. Of course it's our decision on how to handle things, but I feel like the ball is slowly rolling back into my court. Again.

I likely won't be making any drastic decisions for a long time (because honestly, my anxiety level of going back into the doctor's office for anything is through the roof), but really. I feel like delivering three children (one of which never saw daylight), having a D&C, enduring three long and painful pregnancies and having my abdomen cut open unexpectedly and nearly suffering the loss of another baby should have earned me a free pass to no more invasive procedures.

In other news, I said goodbye to all of my maternity wear in a local resale this past week. It felt cathartic to pass them on.

Lest you get the impression that I am ungrateful... I'm not. I cherish my children and would've birthed them all just how it happened in a heartbeat all over again. Of course, I don't wish our history, or the loss of Andrew, were so muddled with grief and fear. Really, I just wish this all worked "naturally" like I expected in my naive, newly-married world. Now I'm 31, sprouting hoards of gray hair and have probably shaved off years of my life to anxiety. I'm spent.

Blindly Pressing Forward

I've had a few scares the last couple days. Well, only one scare where we discussed the option of calling my OB but were relieved by kicks moments later. And then it set me on edge for a few days after. I feel like I'm "coming down" from that insanity now, like it ever really goes away for very long.

I've started kick counts and I've never done those before. I realize "they" say that kick counts could help the mother determine a change over time and therefore prevent a stillbirth by acknowledging a decrease in movement. But what if the movement decreases for a few hours (like not feeling anything) and then the kicks are nonstop for an hour a bit later? Babies have sleep cycles. I know this. Babies grow most while sleeping and need to sleep. I know this. That sure doesn't help my anxiety any, of course.

And how about it being so unscientific, these kick counts and other methods of attempting to avert disaster? I just hate how there is no control. I've never, ever had control and I'm aware of it. It doesn't mean I like it or am handling it well by any means. His movements are changing. They're still present, but he's filling out his space so well that he doesn't punch as much and has now moved on to rolling motions. My OB even commented about this likely being a big baby... whatever that means. NSTs will start this month along with extra monitoring as I approach what should be considered the home stretch. Again, whatever that means.

We're in the 50's. As in, I'll be holding a child, of mine, in my arms at some point in the next 50+ days. Only time will tell if that child will be healthy and alive. I just can't lose another baby that could be viable and alive and well and healthy outside of my womb. And there's no telling I would or should. Millions upon millions of women give birth every year to babies. Babies who are born healthy without extra monitoring or kick counts or fanaticism. I never hear of stillbirth in my real life pocket. Not with friends, co-workers, parents of students. Maybe they aren't telling. Maybe it's happening out there (well, it is to about 26,000/year). But I sure don't know about it. What I do know is that everyone and their freaking best friend is either pregnant or delivering healthy babies all around me. It's got to be my turn, right? Right?

We talk to this baby nonstop. Part of me is trying anything to just bond so that maybe my words or the amount of I love yous I blurt out will somehow result in a live child. Like I didn't talk to Andrew just as much or rub my belly enough to save his life. No amount of being frantic can control the fate I will be served.

I have fears of PTSD and PPD and all those things as well. But right now, I just need a live baby. My own crazy can be dealt with as it needs to be once this little one is safely alive in my arms.

Godspeed, my child. I promise I will spoil you and pick you up nonstop and do all those things those stupid parenting books tell me not to because of attachment or whatever. Those books have long since been shelved as I fully intend to cradle you and smother you with so much love. You have no idea.

I think I found my first gray hair today.

I blame it on baby loss. I've never been more stressed out and anxious in my life. Nothing has ever come close and I doubt anything could ever beat it, either.

So what's a girl to do, huh?

I mentioned having acupuncture done and I've been going the past 3 weeks now. I like it. I don't love it, but I obviously like it enough to fork out the $20 each time and go 4 times.

Here's what I like:

• It's relaxing. I sit on a heated massage table or in a nice La-Z-Boy recliner for about 30 minutes with nothing else going on around me.
• They play nice, relaxing music that also gives me the sensation of wanting to urinate sometimes. When has water dripping ever been relaxing?
• I might be a masochist. I actually quite like the needles being pierced into my skin. 
• I fall asleep-- the true test of relaxation.
• It's fairly cheap.

Here's what I don't like:

• I'm not convinced it's not a load of BS. Does it really work, or is it just a mind game?
• It costs $20 each time. I know. It's not a lot of money. But it's $20 and I'm cheap.
• I have to drive there and drive back home. Sounds stupid, but driving in traffic and being stopped at traffic lights with people cutting you off (read: Chicagoland drivers are terrible) does not relax me. As soon as I leave, I automatically tense up behind the wheel. That, and since I'm obviously good at being a statistic of bad, rare news, I also fear getting into car accidents.

So there you have it. I've done 4 treatments and the acupuncturist asked me how I think it's been going and if I'd like to continue. He said there are 3 categories:

1. I hate it and never come back.
2. My "issues" are resolved and I don't come back-- at least not until the symptoms return.
3. I continue coming back but less regularly, like 2x/monthly.

I laughed when he said #2 because honestly, will my "issues" or "symptoms" of stress and anxiety ever go away? They'll obviously, hopefully decrease over time, but disappear? Hardly. I've always been a Type-A worrier with a schedule and a plan. Anxiety = me.

Here are some fancy photos I took before I started relaxing, but post needle injection: