Sky Love Lanterns for Papa & Andrew

We'd been looking forward to our family vacation at Cape May, New Jersey beach for over half a year now. When we booked our flights and the beach cottage rental, we were on total countdown mode.

In the midst of this planning, we said goodbye to my husband's incredible, sensitive and amazing grandfather, Papa. We hoped he would be there to celebrate family and life with us in the flesh, but he was surely with us in spirit.

In order to remember him and hold him in our presence, I wanted to bring him there to the beach with us, just as we planned. Papa's favorite color is red (so much that he asked Gramie to wear a red dress when he returned home from the war!). I'd been wanting to send a Japanese lantern to the sky for Andrew for years now. My parents had sent one to him last year, but I had yet to experience it myself. Sending a red one up for Papa just seemed like the right thing for the occasion and the perfect opportunity to send one for Andrew. We were at the beach and the landscape would be beautiful.

On the evening of our lantern release, it began to rain during dinner. I had given up hope that we would be lighting them that evening, until the rain stopped as soon as it started. We made the effort to write a few notes to our beloveds and loaded them into the car. Benjamin and Claire had their hands traced on the thin paper while the rest of us (Samantha, Kay, Steve, Ray, Gramie, Benjamin, Claire and I) wrote notes of love.

As we were all piling into our cars to make the approximately 5 mile trip to the Cape May Lighthouse, we saw a full rainbow in the sky. It was present when we arrived, too.

Papa and Andrew were there with us. We could really feel it.

We walked halfway down the beach as Gramie and Kay waited and watched up on more even ground as we lit the lanterns. At first, they weren't catching fire quickly as we'd hoped... but eventually... a minute or so later... Papa's red lantern was ready to take flight. Andrew's lantern followed and there was a glimmer of red and blue in the sky on the beach at sunset on that Thursday evening, July 30, 2015.

Papa's lantern taking flight.

Family of five.

Andrew's lantern taking flight.

Both lanterns here are visible. Papa's is almost exactly center and Andrew's more visible to the right.

The lanterns were incredibly beautiful and so peaceful. We set them off not only near a lighthouse during sunset with a full rainbow in the sky, but about 500 feet from a World War II bunker on the beach. Papa served in WWII and it was just an added piece of warmth to tie into the moment. May Papa and Andrew always feel the love we have for them, deep in our hearts.

Microblog: The Claire Tuck

Claire has this precious way of expressing she loves you and finds comfort in you. When holding her, she pulls both arms in and tucks them down, as to give up full control, in total trust. It also ensures you can't grasp her arms well to put her down. She's clever like that.

Then she plops her beautiful baby noggin right on your shoulder. She knows her people and exhibits this behavior often when in our arms.

Best feeling.

Lyn E. Sturdevant, Jr.

On Benjamin's third birthday, we said goodbye to a man our family was so lucky to call (great) Papa. He was kind, intelligent, and had a huge heart. He was always a tight hugger, engaging, and someone you knew would enjoy hearing about all of the adventures you were on. 

He and (great) Gramie were married 68 glorious years and had five kids of their own. And then the grandchildren and great grandchildren in abundance.

We last saw Papa at Thanksgiving in Pennsylvania. He was growing weaker, but his mind was so strong and he even played a number of hands in poker (and won one!). He was a World War II Vet that served in the South Pacific and often had stories to tell. He was an esteemed engineer and world traveler. He and Gramie visited every continent and spent time in many, many countries together. He definitely made marriage, fatherhood and life count. He had lots of love to give. He was 93 when he passed away.

We're so grateful to have had all the years we did, and I'm so grateful to have known Papa for about 8 years of my own life. Papa is loved. Papa is missed. And Papa is now holding our Andrew. There are few people I consider honored to be caring for our precious boy, but Papa is definitely on that list. 

Meeting Ben. Meeting Claire. Family. Four generations at ages 0 (Ben), 30 (Dad), 60 (Grandpa), 90 (Great Papa)
It's also very apparent my children are extremely bald individuals as babies. But Papa? A full head of hair at 93.

Claire's Birthday Party & Baptism

Claire's actually 25 hours away from turning one. Well, 29 hours really, considering she was born at 4:17 a.m. on January 14th. We have travel plans coming on Claire's actual birthday (she's so fancy!), but we celebrated the little one this past weekend with a house full of 40 people, lots of food and both sets of grandparents.

We have a tradition of baptizing our children on their birthdays. Andrew was baptized on his birthday, Benjamin was baptized on his 1st birthday (exactly!) and Claire was baptized days before her first birthday. It's another tie we keep to hold our three together; a special bond they all share that doesn't matter at all, but pleases our hearts.

Both sets of grandparents flew in for the occasion, just as they did for Benjamin's first. Making it to a first birthday after losing a baby (and never celebrating any birthdays before) is really monumental. Benjamin's 1st birthday was epic and undoubtedly over the top, and Claire's was just following tradition (with a lot less stress this go around). Birthdays to follow will be more low-key and spent with families whose kids are like-ages.

On the day of her party, Claire woke up uncharacteristically early (of course) and since I was already up as she snoozed herself back to sleep, I headed out to grab donuts for the family and three balloons from the grocery store. I don't know why I chose three... just thought the colors were a cute combo. As soon as I left the grocery store after having the most talkative and slow worker ever at 6:45 in the morning (gah), I promptly walked the balloons right into a tree and popped one. Like immediately. Two balloons. I was totally not going back in that store to ask for another balloon. Donuts + two balloons did make it back home and the people you see in this picture below were happy.

Baptism done by our good friend, Jim. He also baptized Benjamin and his family has been a constant support in remembering and loving Andrew with us.

I should've taken better shots of these banners considering how much of a (huge) labor of love they are... that I started with Benjamin and ended with Claire. Only the first birthday, but goodness... reason enough to stop having children because they take forever!

I made the (horribly tasting, but egg free and who really cares anyway because cream cheese buttercream frosting with sprinkles trumps all cake) smash cake and my very talented and very pregnant friend Karoline baked those fabulous cupcakes.

We had a hot dog bar, chips and cupcakes. I was even sent this great party pack to share Beanitos puffs (um, delicious and my friends loved them, too!) with our party guests.  The hot dog bar consisted of two kinds of hot dogs grilled in-house because it was flipping freezing outside. The condiments included: caramelized onions, diced onions, pickles, sauerkraut, cheese, giardiniera, relish, jalapenos, tomatoes, hot sauces, Sriracha, ketchup, BBQ sauce, three kinds of mustard, chili-dog chili and vegetarian chili. I even had those paper boats to put them in. The only thing missing, said my local Chicagoan partygoers, was celery salt. To which I grabbed from my spice rack and slammed on the table. For the vegetarians or anti-hot dog people, there were corn chips and chili with all the condiments to top. Drinks were simple with the option of two sizes of bottled water and apple juice boxes for the kids. Beer only shows up when the parties are below 30 people. It's just easier to keep it simple and beer + holy baptism never seem to go together well. We ditched the ice cream or big cake for cupcakes. It was a (mostly) utensil free party and everyone happily ate. I'd definitely throw another one again.

We called Benjamin over to help with blowing out the candle and it was all over. He blew out the candle and hopped right up to sit shotgun with Claire while all the gawking grandmas and mamas (and friends) snapped away with their cameras. The cake was basically untouched, but the frosting was a hit. It could've been a cardboard box under there, for all my kids cared. Two outfit changes ensued immediately following the smash cake escapades. Benjamin was also caught singing happy birthday to Claire and doing about 3,460 adorable things during the maybe 15 minutes of them both sitting there and chowing away.

That hair I sported all day? Woke up with it. Not kidding.

Madeline Mae

I recently wrote about the name we chose for our newest baby, Claire Mae, and how we chose to name her after my great granny, Madeline Mae.

My family said goodbye to Madeline Mae yesterday after a series of unfortunate events that finally led to her passing. At a very spunky 98-years old, she lived a full and wonderful life. To that, we are so very grateful.

While death will always make me sad because I won't personally get to see her face or hear her beautiful voice or infectious laugh again, I am so grateful we had so many years with her. Her life couldn't have been more full and the years she was granted were far longer than many. And yet, we're still sad for ourselves because we miss the person she was and the spirit she brought.

I'm not kidding about that laugh. It was almost a nervous laugh. She'd laugh at just about everything and gave the tightest hugs you've ever experienced-- even at such an old age. The joy that she displayed in her life was one you wanted to witness. Before my great-grandpa passed away, they would visit nursing homes together and spend time with those friends who needed the love.

Just about a week ago, my mom and uncle went up to Northern California to visit her and say their goodbyes, knowing that her time might be coming soon. They brought her donuts. She was so thrilled, she stuffed an entire donut hole in her mouth-- on a woman who never hit 5-feet tall, you can imagine her petite frame. She went all-in. With life and with donuts.

I am honored to name my daughter after such a lovely woman and undoubtedly one of my favorite relatives. I wrote her a card telling her about our daughter and her namesake. She likely never received this card due to some unfortunate circumstances, but I'm thankful my mom was able to travel there and tell her in person that our daughter will always carry a part of her. For 28 weeks, there were five generations of women alive in our family. While I won't be traveling to her funeral this far along with a large belly and a rambunctious toddler, I do remember all that she is and was to us.

When talking with my husband last night, we both had a moment in talking about Andrew. This tends to happen when we hear of someone else passing away, especially someone dear to our hearts. It makes us think of where they are... and where he is. My husband said he hoped she was hanging out with our boy. I hope she was holding him and loving him like I crave to be doing myself. But knowing the woman she was, there isn't a doubt in my mind that she is doing that. In fact, there's no one else I'd rather he be with right now than her.

A bittersweet passing, but just knowing she might be up there with a second calling of caring for my boy puts me in tears. He needs your hugs, Granny.

98 Days. Gulp.

I read on a blog today that we're under the 100 day mark until Christmas. Which means we're close to 2014. Which means we are even closer to a certain beloved boy's 3rd should-be-awesome-but-it's-gonna-suck birthday.

I won't carry on about the cool things he'd be doing, saying, or bringing home from preschool. Okay, maybe that was enough.

Dang.

I'm never ready for the seasons to change because that means we'll be at another candlelight vigil {just like my friend Brooke commented about yesterday} instead of excitedly pulling out the Christmas ornaments and decorating the tree. We'll still do that, but it still stings. We decorated our tree and home hours before delivering Andrew. Then we got to come home to all that festive crap, making the holiday sting even more painful. Not that I wanted him to die ever, but I sure wouldn't have chosen a December doomsday.

We had to turn down a Christmas party already because it landed on the dreaded 5th and of course that day is not a day to party it up for our family. We'll have a sensible dinner at the same local restaurant we went to last year and a dessert in honor of our firstborn. We'll attend the remembrance ceremony, light a candle and hang an ornament on the multiple trees they provide at the local ceremony for our dead children.

Gulp.

The Best Day of My Life

Today, we celebrate five years married.

The days my children were born were not the best days of my life. Au contraire. The best day was marrying the best person I'd ever met in my life. The person who knows me better than anyone, supports me, and stands with me when the days seem unbearable. The one that cried on the couch with me day after day month and still loves me in that brokenness.

We usually celebrate specific days with the meals we ate on those days in real life, but we're switching things up a bit and going hibachi tonight. For our first date anniversary on May 28, we go out for Asian food. On June 15, our engagement day, we stay in and make burritos, just like we had the night we got engaged in Ray's Manhattan Beach apartment.

On our wedding day, we had a Mexican buffet complete with beans, steak and chicken fajitas, tortillas, salsas, guacamole, tortillas, and more. When we went to taste and select the menu from our required caterer for our reception location, we kindly asked if we could decline all of the package options and go with Mexican instead. Without hesitation, they were on board and the food was exceptional! I've never had Mexican food at a wedding, before or after our wedding, but it still remains my favorite food ever. And just to be even more cultured, all 100+ of our guests were eating their Mexican feasts at a Japanese garden! If you remember, my mom and I took B back to that garden to feed the Koi fish earlier this year during a visit to the motherland.

To celebrate our 5th anniversary (other than being traditional and actually buying something made of wood for my husband!), I wanted to share five of our favorite wedding photos. There are so many, but here are five...

The doors on the left were open and the breeze from the Pacific was amazing.

Photos after on the side of the church.

Back inside the church for more photos-- it was an Italian-inspired mansion before being sold and converted to a church.

Not sure what the conversation was here, but it made for a pretty fun photo.

Japanese garden reception. Our table was on the dance floor and was removed for lots of dancing later!

Just like losing Andrew, I'm all too aware that these years we have together are precious. I'm so thankful to have them and continue to cherish every moment we spend together. Hoping for many, many, many more.

Chicago Rainbow Weekend 2013

This past weekend was monumental.

I had expectations for the weekend meeting of 13 of my friends (only 3 of which I'd met before) and their rainbow babies. Those expectations were shattered.

It was better than I could've ever imagined.

To an outsider, I assume the idea of 14 women (3 husbands) and 14 children, all who have the common bond of dead children would be royally depressing. A group you'd hope to avoid running into because our faces represent whole families of children who are missing for no acceptable reason. I'm sure we represent what every other person on the planet hopes they will never become-- a parent who has buried a child.

And I guess that's true. Before losing Andrew, I would probably have gone out of my way to avoid that sort of thing. On second thought, I would've ignored the thought of such a group meeting because I was invincible. Had it all together and knew it would never happen to me. Why would it? Life was good.

Our group represents a bunch of women, men and children that are intelligent, attractive (yes!), fun, interesting, unique, and bereaved. We're different in so many ways, but the people we've become over the last few years since losing our children is what bonds us.

I've spent the last 2.5 years (yes, Andrew's 1/2 birthday was just a week ago) pouring my emotions out to writing as a way of therapy. Others took to their keyboards and did the same. We supported one another with words and that meant we did not feel entirely alone. Like we were not on the island of grief alone. And that someone, somewhere was crying similar tears of sadness over losing out on the life of a child they fully envisioned would be coming home with them and staying for good.

This past weekend, my house in the suburbs of Chicago was home base for what we coined the BLM Get Together 2013. Or Rainbow Weekend. We were central-ish being in the Midwest. In total, 31 people filled my home over the course of a few days with every single one of us missing at least one beloved child. We each had our rainbow in tow-- the child born after the sadness of losing a child-- the light after our storms. Our storms are never over and our children never forgotten. In fact, they are remembered and recognized even more because we have their siblings to hold and love.

This weekend.

We laughed. We cried. We did both at the same time. We ate. We took photos. We picnicked. We stayed up late hours chatting. We smiled.

It felt therapeutic. This whole weekend was just what our souls needed. After 2.5 long years of feeling isolated and suffocating in my own skin, I felt a huge release this weekend.

Sure, it was mayhem. With that many children ranging from 7 months - 2 years, you can imagine what kind of crazy my house looked, felt and sounded like this weekend.

But honestly? We wanted it to be crazier. Instead of 14 children, there should have been 29 of them wreaking havoc on everything they could find. Sure, we wouldn't know one another and this whole meeting would be null and void. But tell our hearts that. They aren't rational.

Our beautiful rainbow babies in hats knitted by a grandma missing her granddaughter, Elizabeth. Incredible and emotional for us all. Lots of Kleenex.

Mamas and their rainbow babies

Families from all over: Missouri, California, Washington, New Jersey, Alabama, Texas, Illinois, Canada, Minnesota, Tennessee (and many others were in our hearts and thoughts as they were unable to come).

These families and many others who could not attend this weekend were part of a large camaraderie we created through blogging. I know blogging gets a bad wrap as being self-indulgent drivel. However, without this bit of communication, I'm not quite sure where I would be today in my grief. It's still misery. It's still horrible to wake up every single morning knowing that I will never see my son again. Blogging has become a way to connect with others in a way I never imagined would be necessary in my life. That picture is important proof that these women and their beautiful rainbows have changed my life for the better.

Misery loves company. Maybe. Okay, yes it does.

But Lord. I'm just so happy I found these "miserable" people when I did and that I got to hug and cry with each one of them this weekend. I'm only sad it's over.

Candles lit and wish paper sent in honor of our babies and those who could not be present to light candles for their children.

Other recaps from the weekend written by Brooke, Melissa, Tiffany, Natasha and Keleen.

Letters to Andrew {6}

The day we arrived home empty-handed from the hospital after losing Andrew, we immediately re-booked our flights from California to Florida instead. Our California trip was scheduled for a post-baby shower and to introduce Andrew to all of our friends and family. With no baby to bring, we chose to change our itinerary altogether and booked a cruise to the Bahamas. It wasn't meant to be a vacation and we didn't look forward to it. We were far too sad to look forward to anything. I couldn't even manage to understand how I'd make it another day, let alone look forward to a trip we'd take a few months from that date.

This time, we set out for the islands again, but this time a bit further into the West Indies. Somehow, I feel connected to Andrew when we travel to that region, because he was so close to me then. He was still so fresh in my mind and it was days and not years since I'd held him for the one and only time.

On one of the days we spent on St. Kitts, we took a taxi to Cockleshell Beach at the Southern tip of the island, looking on to Nevis, the sister island and other half of the small country. The entire beach was pretty desolate as there were no cruise ships docked that day. There were other families with their children playing in the calm waters and people dining at the two restaurants. We took walks up and down the narrow shoreline and spent the time on shaded beach chairs with the only sound coming from the crashing waves and a rooster that couldn't seem to figure out his place in life.

I felt an overwhelming need to see his name in the sand, so I wrote it. A few times, actually. The waves wanted to wash it away and I needed to see it.

Beloved Andrew,

I don't shower what's left of you with kisses quite as much as I did in the earlier days of missing you. I don't cry as much... though just typing that has reduced me to big alligator tears. It upsets your brother to see me crying, so it's a good thing he's napping right now. The magnitude of losing you still catches me by surprise when I think of just how much we lost on that dreary day in December. 

I read an article this week about a celebrity who had a late miscarriage and was deeply saddened by the loss. There were comments from ignorant strangers that made me so angry. They didn't understand that an entire life and all of the plans that came with that precious life were gone. It's been a long time since I felt injustice and anger about losing you. Those feelings came right back up when I read about others trivializing that baby's life.

When we were in St. Kitts with your little brother this past weekend, I couldn't stop thinking about you. There were many children at our resort. Many that were about the age you would be now. My heart will always wonder and ache for the boy and man you should become.

We arrived back in Chicago to cold, just as we did when you died and after that Bahamas trip we took because you died. The winter chill stings my soul and mocks us with its presence. 

We miss you. There's nothing more to say about it, but I'll keep saying it. It can never quantify how much, as the words are just not powerful enough. I love you. 

Love, 
Mom

The Party.

Sort of like when I tell my husband it's in the drawer and obviously he should know which drawer I'm talking about. This conversation may have happened a time or two over the course of the party weekend, so that's why I'm bringing it up. Blog marital counseling, basically.

So, the party. For only the coolest cat 1-year old I've ever had the pleasure of parenting.

This one was unique on so many levels. Without stating too much of the obvious, it was the first birthday party I have ever planned for a child of my own. That in and of itself was special. Then there's the part where we had him baptized, in our home on his birthday. Our good family friend, Jim, was the person who baptized Benjamin and all of our local friends who will be a part of Benjamin's life as he grows were in our home for the ceremony. About forty people were gathered in our home for the baptism and party and while chaotic at times with lots of little voices, we wouldn't have had it any other way.

Our firstborn was very much a part of the event as well. We held the baptism in our formal living room where Andrew, his candles and photos are present. Andrew's candle was lit during the ceremony as well as Ray's baptism candle from his childhood. We loved the idea of having Andrew "present" during the baptism of Benjamin and also baptizing Benjamin on his exact birthday, just like Andrew was baptized on his own. Any way we can connect our sons as brothers is a gift. We hope that if we do have another child in the future, that they will also be baptized in our home.

Both sets of grandparents were in town to celebrate and that was such a special treat. Each traveled from opposite coasts to love on our little guy and we just wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Benjamin was followed, chased and played with all throughout the house (and outside in the snow!) during their visit and it was so fun to watch him fully engaged the whole time. Those Skype images came to life in 3D form!

The Invitation (front/back):

Birthday Breakfast:
The day started with a new tradition. Well, I've had this in mind for a loooong time, but finally was able to put the wheels in motion! B had a pancake with sprinkles on top. It was a special treat for sure! I love the idea of him being a cute third grader and while still having to go to school on his birthday, he would be sure to start the celebration off right with a sprinkles pancake. Besides, what elementary kid doesn't like going to school on their birthday? I mean, you get all kinds of attention and teachers probably give you a special treat. {When I was teaching fourth/fifth grades, I would write each student and note and give them a fortune cookie. Imagine the horror when one autistic student received a fortune about a loved one taking him to the movies.}

Baptism:
As I said, it was a special occasion to have B baptized at home in such an intimate setting with friends and family gathered around. The ceremony was perfect. We were so honored to have our friend Jim officiating and just love their family... so it was beyond special that he baptized our boy. Before the actual water, Jim brought the bowl over to the children watching and allowed them to touch it. That was definitely a special part of the ceremony. I may have made a crack about it being extra holy tap water from our kitchen faucet. Maybe. It may have been caught on video as well. We also had two good local friends say a prayer of blessing and thanks at the end of the baptism before lunch.

The bowl used to hold the baptismal water was actually a gift from Ray's parents for our engagement. It's a bowl made from a metal craft company in Pennsylvania, Wendell August. They make gorgeous stuff and this bowl was engraved with our engagement date: June 15, 2007. When we were thinking of a bowl to use, this was the only actual bowl that we own with real sentimental meaning, so we went with it. It's made of a heart shape and just gorgeous. I love that the idea of our marriage and our children coming full circle and definitely surrounded by love. Andrew's candle was lit during the ceremony and throughout the birthday celebration as well as Ray's baptismal candle lit during the ceremony. Grandparents were in the front row, as seen in the picture below to the right.

Decor:
Pinterest gets a bit of credit for the creativity in this area. We didn't do much, but we did have 3 banners, balloons & hats for the kiddos. One of the banners is your standard Party City purchase, but the other two were made entirely by me. They were a labor of love that took nearly a solid week of naptimes. Now that is love.

The balloons. They get their own paragraph. Benjamin woke up at 6:15 that morning, so we assumed he'd be down for a nap two hours later like usual. Except, that would be too awesome and perfect. At 9:30 a.m., he still wasn't napping and his party was set to start thirty minutes later. Ray and I left and decided to go out and get balloons at Party City. Yes, I know we could've just blown them up ourselves. But this was the very first birthday I've ever thrown for my kid and he was having helium in those balloons! I could not be talked out of this. And really, no one tried to. No napping Benjamin + party starting soon + parents leaving to get balloons =  Benjamin taking a nap in the car. Success. Except, when we got home, there was a very tired kiddo still sleeping. We sent my father-in-law on assignment to chill in the car (in our garage) with the babylove while the party guests arrived. Perfect job for him because they both got in a good nap. We woke Benjamin (and my father-in-law) up about 15 minutes before his baptism and it was genius. He was attentive and adorable.

Favors:
After a solid week of talking over just about every idea under the sun, my brilliant husband came up with the idea to donate a Benjamin ($100) to March of Dimes. It was a bit of an Andrew tribute as well as in honor of party guests. A subtle way to celebrate and love both of our boys at the same time.

Food:
I feel it completely necessary to list out everything at the party because the Costco trip alone with Benjamin cost me almost all my sanity and about 10 samples. Thank goodness for my mom being in town to help with the prep work, otherwise we would've ordered pizza. And in the future, that just might be in the cards because oh-em-gee did that take a lot of work. A week later and I'm not fully recovered. Why didn't anyone tell me that you all get your parties catered? But in all honestly, I needed to make this food myself. I wanted his first birthday to be completely planned and orchestrated by our hands. Something about pouring everything into it was just necessary this go around.

After the baptism at 11:00 a.m., we served lunch. Kids were served first as we feverishly prepared mini cheese pizzas and then started in on adult pizzas (aka: pizza with toppings). In the 5 minutes it took to cook the pan of pizzas, they were able to get started on the other fare that was already set out. After lunch, Benjamin we opened gifts and had cake/ice cream. Did we really expect a 1-year old to sit still for presents? Hah. 

Menu {Mini Foods}: 
1. Mini pulled pork slider sandwiches {I endured pork smell cooking all night long. That's love, people.}
    - sweet rolls purchased at Costco in the bakery section. They make delicious toast as well. Mmmm.
    - 10 lbs. boneless pork loin cooked in stock for about 15 hours in the crock pot + BBQ sauce. Optional sliced red onions on the side.
2. Mini sandwich thin pizzas
    - I originally intended for them to be English muffin pizzas, but saw these at Costco and thought they resembled pizza the most, were super cute, delish, more nutritious, cheaper, sliced already and would cook faster.
    - Toppings included: Canadian bacon, mild sausage, jalapeno, pineapple, mushroom, olive, onion, bell pepper.
    - Pizza sauce: large Cotsco-sized can of tomato sauce + 1/4 container of Italian seasoning (to taste). Cheese was also from Costco.
3. O Organics squeeze packs for the small kids as food or snack.
4. Mini veggie skewers
    - celery, carrot coin, cucumber {repeat x2}
    - Do you know how difficult it is to find vegetables that are raw that kids like to eat?
    - Also, do you know how difficult it is to skewer celery? Not recommended.
5. Mini rainbow fruit skewers
    - Strawberry, orange, pineapple, pear, blueberry, red grape
    - Most difficult part was having to do these day of because fruit doesn't remain as crisp & fresh.
    - Hooray for Benjamin's grandmas for saving the day and handling those!
6. Drinks
    - Lemonade in that fancy drink dispenser borrowed from my friend Liz.
    - Bottled water
    - Apple juice boxes for the kids (or adults like me. My husband is quick to remind only one juice box. Hah).
7. Chips
    - Assorted bags from Costco: Chicago mix popcorn, Kettle Chips, Veggie Straws
    - Bought the veggie straws for two reasons: kids love them & B ate so many on our Costco trip for this party from the sample lady that I felt obligated to buy a bag myself.

Dessert:
1. Mini vanilla and chocolate-chocolate chip cupcakes & Benjamin's sprinkles smash cake
    - You've already seen the cake, but the cupcakes are displayed here. Nothing fancy, but they're mini.
    - I baked about 75 of those minis.
2. Trader Joe's mini vanilla and chocolate ice cream cones
    - perfect for little hands, delish, and super cute!

The Smash Cake:
Yeah. Didn't go off without a hitch. No smashing ever really occurred. In fact, he didn't want much to do with the cake at all. Until the next day. Having 40+ people singing to you is enough to confuse any little one, I guess. So, he put his head down instead. #adorable

The Smash Cake, Take II:
We tried again the next day with two gawking grandmas by his side and he had no problem taking down large chunks of the sugar laden pile.

Gifts:
The kid made out like a bandit, I tell you. I was surprised by the sheer number of gifts, to be honest. I guess I just didn't think there would be so much generosity and in such great number. B had no interest in opening presents, so we attempted to speed through them {hello melting children all around me} without people feeling like we didn't acknowledge their abundance of kindness! B is not a deprived child in the least. He deserves to be loved on and showered with excitement, especially on his first birthday and baptism day, but wow! Just wow. My favorite is that he received some super cool books that I'm personally excited to read him. Yay for new material! I'm a little bummed African man wasn't decked out in a party hat, but there's always next time. He's usually quite festive.

p.s. Kristi, that is totally your daughter caught in the act {top right!}

Thank You:
For those near and far who have celebrated, dreamed, loved, hoped and cared for us, thank you. This is starting to feel a wee bit like an awards ceremony acceptance speech. Having a whole year of this boy has flooded our home with love. We will never, ever lose sight of how Andrew has shaped our family, but we're thankful for the little brother that provides tangible joy in our lives daily. We might be generating some postcard thank-yous. Maybe.

These pictures are impossible now. This must have been the 100th picture we attempted.

Pinterest Inspirations because this post is long enough and I'm tired... so they'll all go down here. Consider these like movie credits, mmmkay?
    - Rainbow fruit skewers
    - Birthday invite
    - Mini pizza picture... though the idea was all mine!
    - Smash sprinkles cake
    - Photo head/hat banner
    - Mini ice cream cones from Trader Joe's

Full Circle

This is just one of the series of birthday week posts, but I felt like it deserved its own.

This day is big, you guys. Remember this post last year?

Huge. Monumental. It's the day we brought one of our babies home for the very first time. It was magical. On the way home, I snapped about a hundred photos of Benjamin staring confused about his new surroundings that didn't involve bright lights and alarms everywhere like the NICU. Just the flash of the camera as we drove away with excitement and adrenaline fueling us.

We cried on the way home as we talked about how it felt like we were being followed home by the NICU nurses we fought so hard to release our baby. How the feeling was so surreal and bringing home one of our children was all we'd dreamed about for nearly two years.

We arrived home and fed Benjamin, swaddled him, and laid him on our bedroom floor as we took turns staring at him and switching off to feverishly tear apart the nursery that was left in shambles from when we lost Andrew. We didn't want to count our chickens that Benjamin would be coming home with us, so we had a lot to do to make things functional.

We were exhausted, but wanted to soak in every moment of this baby. He brought so much love with him and we needed it all. We need it all.

Tonight at 6:30 p.m., we celebrate. With champagne. Benjamin will celebrate with a sippy cup of milk. 

One. Whole. Year.

I can't really put into words how important and special it was celebrating Benjamin's first birthday this weekend. I'll post about all the birthday details (though sad I didn't get all the shots I wanted of the food spread!) soon. It will take a bit longer than this post to get in order. Having a toddler is hardly something we're taking lightly. I knew we'd be celebratory at our childrens' birthdays always, but reaching our first ONE was just huge.

We had both families here this weekend and it was just plain special.

Let's recap his first year.

In Numbers:

Weight: 20 lbs, 9 oz.

Height: 29.5 inches

Shoe size: Still in 6-12 month Robeez with no plans to transition anytime soon. 

Clothes: 12 month, mostly

Food: He's eating everything but nuts. We'll be consulting with his pediatrician about introducing nut spreads into his diet soon. 

Favorite foods: yogurt, blueberries, oranges, bananas, peas, pancakes, pizza, nitrite/nitrate free hot dogs, meatballs (thank you, IKEA), cucumber, Goldfish & Annie's Bunny crackers, Veggie Sticks, pasta with marinara, tofu, bagels with cream cheese...

Drink: We're breastfeeding only wake time and bedtime, though the wake-up feed might be gone quite soon. We introduced whole milk on his birthday and he sucked the cup down. He's been drinking about 3 cups of that (one at each meal) since. Otherwise, he drinks water and an occasional smoothie if I make one.

Sleep: Naps 2x/day. First nap is 2 hours after he wakes in the morning and 2nd nap happens in the afternoon. Naps in his crib with an Aden & Anais blanket only. Nighttime routine starts around 8 p.m. and depends on when he woke up from his 2nd nap. Bath, teeth brushing, sleepsack, then Dad puts him down for the night after family hugs and kisses. He sometimes sleeps 13 hours with no wakeups and sometimes doesn't. 

Favorite Games: Loves to be chased around the kitchen island, open/close doors, empty cabinets of Tupperware and anything else he can find, explore the inside of the fridge, climb stairs, crawl insanely fast, play peek-a-boo, picking out all the Goldfish in a pile of Cheerios, hold his (transparent) plate after mealtime and look through it while making faces, play cars, play with door stoppers (especially the spring ones!), rolling balls & handing back to us {baby fetch?}, read books...

Favorite Toys: Anything you're playing with, cars, his new dump truck, anything he can suck on.

Favorite Book: Where is Baby's Belly Button & any flap book, really.

Mode of Transportation: Speed crawling and cruising. My parents saw him take a step toward them this weekend, but I think he still has a ways to go before he's fully walking.

Bad Baby Antics: Licking the metal floor vents, escaping the baby gate, crawling swiftly away from us, dropping his sippy cup on a regular basis just to hear it bang, trying to stick fingers into {covered} sockets, pulling out computer cords, chewing on cords, banging on shower doors, attempting to unroll toilet paper, chewing everything, standing and peeing in the tub

Happy Birthday, Baby Love.

Because Family Lives TOO Far Away...

The B-man is changing everyday, folks. It's crazy all of the new mischievous looks and expressions coming out of this little body that is our son. I have a feeling when he's mobile, we are going to be two very tired parents.

Bring it.

The cute factor is off the charts on this one.

This one's only really good the first 26 seconds, but I laugh every time.

And this one is solely for my parents. The creepster bear plays peek-a-boo and B is just starting to become entertained by it.

Grief Revisited

The calendar pages are thinning out again. We're closer to him.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easier anticipating his birthday this year than it was last year. There's just something so definite about 1 year. It seems so monumental in so many ways, including personal relationships. At the 1 year point, things always started to get real. We were engaged just weeks after our first year of dating was up. Now that he's nearing the age where babies aren't referred to in terms of months but in terms of years, it feels different. But it doesn't change that he's gone. Or how much we crave to have him here, in our arms to hug, love and watch grow.

But two years? I'm not as anxious, and maybe Benjamin is in part to thank for that, but I guess I just don't know what to think anymore. We had a long talk the other night about Andrew and how we're dealing. It's not that this is a closed chapter of our lives. We'll forever be damaged and changed. We talked about how we're just worse people for losing him. That it caused us to be more guarded and scared. That we're more angry and still question why our family was crushed.

The jealousy is still harbored when we pass another family with two beautiful children in tow. When we learn of a firstborn being welcomed into someone's home. When a two-year-old boy is in our presence.

I told my husband the other night that I'm glad we're still broken. That I hope we're always broken and lack acceptance when it comes to losing Andrew. I don't want to accept that our son had to tragically die when he was supposed to be welcomed into our home at any moment. I don't want to accept that we'll forever memorialize him and speak to his sibling(s) in past tense, because they will never have a chance to meet him face-to-face. I'm sad for us, but I'm immeasurably sad for them.

We sat last week in our formal living room that doesn't have a whole lot of living in it at all. It's where Andrew's urn is and all of our tangible memories we display of him. It's also where we keep the photobook of his entire life, all in about 40 pages. It displays pictures of my entire pregnancy and how excited we were to be growing a son. Our son. Our firstborn. And now? It's so difficult to see those photos of our smug, innocent, naive selves; so difficult that we skip straight to the back for pictures of him. Just reliving the pregnancy in pictures, though wonderful as it was, makes me weak in the knees. I become nervous, sad, and angry when I see us in that state. It's like were were a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. Every single picture framed in our home aside from the few of Benjamin were from before we became the people we are today. We were happily hopeful and lived in the world where babies didn't die. I'm jealous and frustrated looking at all of those photos. Seeing blog posts from our former selves is just so hard for me to read, because I was different and... better.

We talked through our tears about how the greater part of our lives will be lived in this broken state and world where babies and innocent people die terrible, horrible, and unfortunate deaths and it's just sad. Sure, there's beauty and will always be beauty, but it's always going to be less beautiful and less good. And that sucks. There's just no way around it.

My husband used to work for a company in LA that handled all the back-end work for professional photographers. He met some incredibly talented people there. It's LA, after all... but when you pair up photography with hip individuals and young, free spirits, you get a pretty nice mix of people. One of those amazing people shot our wedding.

In our broken state on December 5th of 2010, an equally talented and selfless person stepped into our newly broken lives and took photos of our deceased son for us as a volunteer for NILMDTS. He didn't have to come into such a vulnerable situation, find parking at a hospital in the middle of the night and meet our dead son and his broken parents. But he did. Those photos are absolutely the most valuable we have and we cherish them. This week, Ray wrote a note on the forums of his former photography company to thank and encourage those photographers who volunteer their time and resources (and emotions!) to do such good for families like us. We know it's not exactly easy. As we approach the two year mark, Ray decided to reach out again in admiration for those who humble themselves to do such remarkable deeds. They deserve all the recognition; it's because of them that we have photos of our firstborn and those just cannot be more important to us. As Ray wrote in his letter, ..."because of you, {Benjamin} will get to "meet" his older brother through the most beautiful photos..."

If you're a volunteering photographer reading this, we thank you. So many of us loss families just cannot even begin to thank you enough.

Today we prepare for a playdate at our home with some families in our area that we've grown to consider as part of our own family. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the beer is cold, the new toys are ready, our second son is growing and learning, and we're thankful. In a good, but not ever as good as it could have been way, like it was before our worlds changed. We miss you Andrew. We miss who you were, would be now, and would be tomorrow. We miss all of the memories we'll never get to create with you. It doesn't have to be the 5th or your birthday for us to think of you or mutter those words. We think them every single day we live.

1/2 Birthday

What did that lady say?
I'm SIX months old?
Holy breastmilk!

We're really not those parents who would've been excited for a half birthday. But then you lose a baby who you intended to celebrate many, many birthdays with, you celebrate everything when given that chance again. We're celebrating screams, breaths, poops, head control, smiles... everything in this house. We had full intentions of dinner and dessert out of the house at Red Robin a fancy restaurant, but then Benjamin called the shots once more and decided not to nap all afternoon until 5:30. Poor guy had some more shots today and was feeling a little under the weather and needed extra snuggles. No problem. Frozen pizzas it was. Happy half, little one. You light up our lives more than we could've imagined.

{update: we have a new ped and she is awesome. He's healthy and growing and is now in the 10th percentile for the CDC charts. Steady growth in all three categories and meeting all milestones. No mama drama today. Hooray. Thanks for the ped recommendation, Amy!}

Not Our First Rodeo

It seems I post about this same subject every now and again. Obviously Mother's Day and Father's Day came and went this year and we have B in our arms to hug and love on. We're thankful. We feel lucky-- like we scored the biggest deal or something just being able to bring home a live baby from the hospital.

My husband came home from work yesterday and told me that he was excited about working the next day, because then no one would congratulate and ask him how his first Father's Day was anymore. That the day after would be over. Reminds me a bit of when he returned to work after losing Andrew and he had to deal with the awkward condolences and overly sad looks. He was happy to go back as soon as possible, not only to distract himself, but to get that part over with.

Friends who came to see us in the hospital wished Elliot a Happy FIRST Father's Day on Saturday.

So is that it? Was Andrew, just like that, forgotten by these people? Because he's dead, does that then mean my wonderful husband did not become a father at conception, or at the very least, in that hospital room, holding his still baby boy? I think his 7lb. 6oz. of weight and pictures would be enough to assume he'd reached his fatherhood milestone already. Before Sunday. I even have Mother's Day and Father's Day cards to show for the two years prior when we were both already a mother and a father. I guess I just don't understand why it's so important for people to throw in the word first.

I was walking to the grocery store with B in the stroller the other day and a woman was speedwalking behind me. Of course she speeds in front and peers in {sometimes I feel like they might just crawl in, they're so nosy}, asking how old B is. She then tells me she'll be a grandmother very soon for the first time as I congratulate her {speedwalking still}. She then asks if B is my first, as if it really matters to the stranger and considering our conversation is coming to an end quite soon... and I told her he was my second. Her response?

Wow! Well aren't you ambitious!

I felt insulted for a few reasons. I'm turning 30 in just a few months. Do I not look fully capable and mature enough to handle birthing two children at this point in my life? I suppose I could take that as a compliment, but anyway. I just hated hearing those words, as if I had a choice and as if having children can really be classified in any way as being ambitious. It almost sounds like we were being careless and just randomly found ourselves knocked up with oops babies multiple times in a row. Because obviously we wouldn't want to have two babies 14 months apart. It quite disgusted me.

Mother's Day was similar, but I guess I sort of avoided it all. I threw away cards that indicated it was my first without much of a glance. Again, why must it be necessary to salt that wound? My husband bought me lovely earrings with B's birthstone and I wore my Andrew jewelry. We went for a nature walk and all I can say is that it was better than last year.

B is starting to sleep more at night-- well at least this week he has. When he doesn't wake after a few hours, I usually wake up in a cold sweat just wondering if he'll wake soon. The monitor tells me he's alive, but somehow I don't believe it. When he finally cries for food, I rush to use the restroom while I take in the sounds I wanted to hear for so long-- that I'm so thankful to hear in my home. I throw up a shout out to God for giving me B to mother and head into his room to kiss him, cuddle him, and feed him. I want desperately to remember what it's like to sleep through the night, but part of me isn't sure I can handle it. It's almost like I need to hear B's cries at some point in the night to remind me he's still alive. 

For now at least, that part of the year is over. At least next year we won't have to hear that dreaded word, first.