Sky Love Lanterns for Papa & Andrew

We'd been looking forward to our family vacation at Cape May, New Jersey beach for over half a year now. When we booked our flights and the beach cottage rental, we were on total countdown mode.

In the midst of this planning, we said goodbye to my husband's incredible, sensitive and amazing grandfather, Papa. We hoped he would be there to celebrate family and life with us in the flesh, but he was surely with us in spirit.

In order to remember him and hold him in our presence, I wanted to bring him there to the beach with us, just as we planned. Papa's favorite color is red (so much that he asked Gramie to wear a red dress when he returned home from the war!). I'd been wanting to send a Japanese lantern to the sky for Andrew for years now. My parents had sent one to him last year, but I had yet to experience it myself. Sending a red one up for Papa just seemed like the right thing for the occasion and the perfect opportunity to send one for Andrew. We were at the beach and the landscape would be beautiful.

On the evening of our lantern release, it began to rain during dinner. I had given up hope that we would be lighting them that evening, until the rain stopped as soon as it started. We made the effort to write a few notes to our beloveds and loaded them into the car. Benjamin and Claire had their hands traced on the thin paper while the rest of us (Samantha, Kay, Steve, Ray, Gramie, Benjamin, Claire and I) wrote notes of love.

As we were all piling into our cars to make the approximately 5 mile trip to the Cape May Lighthouse, we saw a full rainbow in the sky. It was present when we arrived, too.

Papa and Andrew were there with us. We could really feel it.

We walked halfway down the beach as Gramie and Kay waited and watched up on more even ground as we lit the lanterns. At first, they weren't catching fire quickly as we'd hoped... but eventually... a minute or so later... Papa's red lantern was ready to take flight. Andrew's lantern followed and there was a glimmer of red and blue in the sky on the beach at sunset on that Thursday evening, July 30, 2015.

Papa's lantern taking flight.

Family of five.

Andrew's lantern taking flight.

Both lanterns here are visible. Papa's is almost exactly center and Andrew's more visible to the right.

The lanterns were incredibly beautiful and so peaceful. We set them off not only near a lighthouse during sunset with a full rainbow in the sky, but about 500 feet from a World War II bunker on the beach. Papa served in WWII and it was just an added piece of warmth to tie into the moment. May Papa and Andrew always feel the love we have for them, deep in our hearts.

Visit From Gawbee

June brought Gawbee on an airplane, and also a date night for us! As always, it's so nice to have family in town to love on the kids and spend our time with.

Gawbee treated Benjamin to a movie date. He was thrilled. Especially since she actually put quarters in the arcade games.

Arboretum exploring and dinner in cute little chairs in the children's garden.

We even took Gawbee on a geocaching adventure in the woods and spotted 3 deer and hundreds of frogs. One of those frogs still lives under our deck.

Microblog: $41 Phonics Lesson

My mom was in two weeks ago (today) and we hit up a local church rummage sale on a dreary and wet Friday morning together. We got there about 3 minutes before it opened and it was a madhouse with a line of around 100 people. I rummaged with Claire riding piggyback in the Ergo and Benjamin was charming my mom into buying everything he touched. It worked.

She bought him a slew of videos and toys and even a lava lamp. Grandmas.

One of the videos was a 35-minute Leap Frog Letter Factory Phonics video. I never thought he'd watch it because it didn't have Disney plastered all over it. Surprisingly, he requests it almost daily and has for the last 14 days. He's probably seen it 10 times.

A few days ago, he started pointing to some letters and telling me their sounds as we were reading a book together. That's the "tuh" (t). So, I decided to go through the entire alphabet. He knows every single letter sound. Totally floored.

The catchy little jingle probably makes it easier to learn, but he was able to say them all without the song. "The t says tuh, the t says tuh, every letter makes a sound, the t says tuh."

Would've been the biggest steal ever, at $1, and it should've been, if I hadn't lost $40 cash somewhere in the madhouse of that rummage sale that morning. Let's hope it was picked up by one of the church volunteers and put into their fundraising pot.

$41 phonics video for the win. Who knew.

(It turns out it can be watched here for free, too. The rest of you might have the luck of a $0 phonics lesson without leaving your home!)

Bug & Bear

Nicknames for the littles that run this joint. We have many nicknames for Benjamin, but Bug has stayed because it's short for lovebug. And he's definitely our lovebug. Bear is Claire's nickname... because naturally. What Claire is not referred to as Claire Bear?

We had a doctor's appointment and I got those same sighs as I did with Benjamin because Claire is gaining 3/4 ounce a day instead of the fictitious rule that babies must gain 1 ounce a day. She's gaining steadily. SHE'S ALIVE. She already started off (once again) at a disadvantage being born so early. Cut the girl some slack! She gained 12 ounces in 16 days (latest tracking) and is over 7lbs now. I'm trying not to take things personally, but that's hard. As a babyloss mom who will always sort of feel inadequate, that's hard. I know I have enough milk for her, but I've started adding Fenugreek and feeding every 2 hours during the day and still every 3 at night. The girl is a fairly good sleeper, but I have no idea how long she can sleep because I've been waking her to force feed. It's exhausting and maddening. And I'll stop once she's gained a little bit more. I have to remember, as many of my friends and family have reminded me, that doctors use numbers and data. They don't see each child individually because they see you for 10 minutes every few months. She's my child and I should know best. And for goodness sakes. I have friends who were still pregnant with their kids at this gestation (41w). Girlfriend is 5 weeks and kicking butt.

Other than the usual your child is small speech, she's doing great. Eating, pooping, sleeping, and looking overall cute in the overload of clothing people have gifted her. I had no idea people would enjoy gifting girl clothes so much. We have not bought her a single piece of clothing. Not with friends and grandparents who have gone to town!

Chicken legs run in the family. And that bow is too big for her head. And holy crap. A bow.

Benjamin is doing fantastic. He's been majorly spoiled by his grandparents from both sides and I'm pretty sure he owns every single Daniel Tiger toy that Toys'r'Us sells. He's nearly two, you guys. Like, Sunday. We're throwing a party for him Saturday with just a few families who have kids his age. I am not planning a ton, but it's paint themed and the menu will be Ikea meatballs, gravy, lingonberry sauce, Pioneer Woman's mashed potatoes, salad, ice cream and a big Costco sheetcake. I try to choose foods that Benjamin likes (at the time) for lunch, and he almost always powers down a plate of those meatballs (which is unheard of for him to eat meat!) when we're at Ikea. Watch. He won't eat a single bite at his party.

At two years old, he's both exhausting and fascinating. I love watching him learn.

• Obsessed with pointing out his favorite letters and numbers on everything. In books, on my K-cups (saw the #2 this morning and insisted on carrying it around), on sweatshirts, etc. He has a particular favor toward the letters B, L, S and O. He loves the number 2 the best, but he can also point out 3, 6 and 8 (if he wants to).
• When anyone walks in the door (or randomly at home), he says "chase", looks over his shoulder to see that you're following and moves his shoulders and legs rapidly and runs away. He looooves to be chased. 
• Daniel Tiger is known as "DT" and is an obsession. He calls it DT because that was the code name we called it before he learned the code and started using it himself. Then we switched over to "the show" and he now has learned the word "show" as a result. 
• He loves calling people on the phone and on Skype. But not really to talk. I think he just likes knowing there is a reaction when he does it. If I press this button, something will happen and people will talk to me and say my name and ask me questions! If you do answer, he will say "hello" and various words of things he sees in the room or in his general area-- "snow", "stool", etc. He also loves calling and hanging up promptly. Like this morning when he called a number of people on the west coast who may or may not have still been sleeping. He says "call call" (twice, always) and shows a look of genuine concern that it's the very most important thing you could be doing is "call call" at that moment in time. He doesn't understand why we don't sense his urgency. It's sometimes the first word out of his mouth when he wakes and the last word before he goes to bed.
• When he wants music on, he says "dance" and shakes his head, shoulders and hips from side to side. He can accurately select the music option or Pandora on our phones and get his "dance" on.
• He's learned to be resourceful with the stool I bought him for the bathroom sink. He doesn't wash his hands (hates it), but instead pushes that thing all around the downstairs to get things he wants (i.e. lightswitches, the Keurig, knives, pizza on the counter to pull off the pineapple pieces...). He is great at helping in the kitchen, too. We made a strawberry cake and brownies on Valentine's Day, and he often helps with dinner. By help, I mean creates more of a mess... but alas.
• He loves to be tickled and will tell you when he wants it. He usually tells you "no", but then pulls up his shirt for more tickling. 
• He has an obscure vocabulary. He says lots of words, but what really gets me is when he speaks a word that most 2-year olds wouldn't have any connection with. He has learned the word garlic. GARLIC. And he can tell you where it is. He also knows the word salt. Because he loves it. Just like his mama.
• Perhaps a testament of my parenting skills lacking (two kids at home is hard work, yo!), but he is starting to sing the songs to his favorite PBS shows. It's mostly humming along and then picking up a word here and there. When the song for Super Why comes on, he sings "why" when it comes time. It's really cute. He also knows "EIEIO" for Old McDonald.

Helping himself with his stool & making sure sister has a hard hat on. Laying on a playmat can be dangerous business (when you have a toddler brother around anyway!).

The Snowy Day

It's snowing today. A lot. All day, in fact. When Benjamin wakes from his nap, I'll read him The Snowy Day again. Every day that it snows, I read it to him. Along with Where is Baby's Belly Button and other favorites... because how could we go a day without wondering where that baby's belly button is? I mean, let's be reasonable here.

I can't wait until our vacation next week. As pretty as the snow is, I'm just craving outside adventures.

But since it's snowing, I thought I'd share some pictures from Benjamin's first sledding experience! The day after his birthday, we still had snow on the ground and all of the grandparents still in town... so we headed across the street to our large grassy area/floodplain and gave it a go. The baby is only one, so we definitely weren't going down anything steep, but it was a first sledding experience nonetheless.

Side note on the sled: purchased at Costco the winter Andrew died. We were cooped up in the house crying pretty much nonstop and decided to get outside one day and go sledding. It was our first winter in IL and I was obviously no longer pregnant. Sad, angry, emotional. Sledding seemed appropriate. At least there weren't any babies at the sled hill. Grief is so weird.

Back to the future, the little brother, and his proud parents and grandparents.

Yes, I'm wearing rain boots. I have those (waterproof!), two pairs of Ugg boots (which both grandmas were wearing) and no snow boots yet. I'm in the market and really like these. Anyone have any they love to recommend? Maybe I'll wait til summer and get them half price... it is almost spring, after all. You wouldn't know here in Chicago today. Hmph.

The proud grandparents: My parents on the left & Ray's parents on the right

My parents had never been sledding. Southern Californians aren't much for snow. Fun that their first times were with Benjamin. :)

A Jumble of Thoughts

Here we are. He'll be three weeks old in a matter of hours and I'm a stay-at-home-mom for the very first time in my life. It's weird. It's humbling. It's (sometimes) boring. It's wonderful.

I was speaking with a friend the other day about this phenomenon. She lost her firstborn as well and has now been staying home with her second child for the last couple months. She still has the itch. The itch for a life outside of the SAHM world. I do too. I still love and cherish my career as a teacher and I'm thankful that I'll be starting another graduate course next week. It will give me that sense of fulfillment that is different than being a mother. Though I have to say-- staring at his beautiful face makes me really thankful I had another chance. I try not to think about how this should've been my life all along-- how 15 months ago, I should've been a SAHM to my son. Now here with B, I want so desperately to have two boys in my home. What would it be like to be a mother of two living boys? It's a dream I allow myself to wonder about quite frequently in the middle of the night while I sit breastfeeding (exclusively!) my second son-- Andrew's little brother. The sound of Andrew and Benjamin makes my heart sing. It's cheesy to say, but it's really true. I love the sound of their names together and just wish they were both physically here.

My parents came to visit this weekend. They held in their arms a baby that was mine. And it was totally, incredibly special. I can't help but think that it was even more special because I know how much we've all experienced and lost to get to a point of livelihood. We had to endure a pregnancy and birth of a son/grandson so desperately wanted-- a first grandchild to both sides of our family-- a loss, a miscarriage, and then another pregnancy and birth all to reach this point. My parents are proud. There's no doubt they'd make amazing grandparents to our two boys. Oh how I wish I could present that as reality. I haven't cried as many tears since B has arrived, but I sit here right now typing in a pool of sobs. I hear the coos in the background of a sweet little boy and finally my home is not silent. The doors are open and the nursery is walked in. The items are getting used. Some will never be used and I'm okay with that. Andrew has a piece of our lives and hearts, physically and emotionally. His name is still on the wall in the nursery and his little train toy that bears his name is still on the bookshelf. I don't know when I will be able to bring myself to take it down. I have nothing to replace it with. B doesn't sleep in there anyway and in many ways, it still feels like they share the space. The memories, hopes, dreams, and love of Andrew still cloud the room itself-- at least to me. I feel the presence of them both.

First neighborhood walk

Meeting his grandparents!

I have so many emotions. Most of them revolve around love, but many around fear. I fear, still, that B will be taken from us. I know too much. I've noticed a little redness that lines his eyelids and I have a fear that he has some incurable sickness. I'm aware that it's just my BLM tendencies striking me down, but it's hard to bury them. They're all I've known and immersed myself in for the past 15 months. It's the reality I live in having a son who left this earth far sooner than any child ever should.

My mind is everywhere, but mostly just thankful. B is such an innocent being that has no clue his parents are so totally emotionally screwed up. He doesn't know how hard we have fought to start a family and how sad that makes us. I don't ever want to burden him with that reality, but it almost seems impossible to hide.

In less somber news, I went for a jog for the first time since June and it felt amazing. I also had a Goose Island IPA and felt unable to drive. My love for cooking has not ceased. My love for the husband and a couple little boys is certainly what I've been focusing most of my energy on though.

Hi, I'm naked baby.