As elusive as I can be about this whole pregnancy thing, I figured I'd at least add some information about this crazy (yet wonderful) journey. I don't know if I'll do this weekly, though I think it would be a nice reminder later on of the progress made each week. So, here it goes...
How far along?: 15w2d How big is baby?: A naval orange or softball (about 4 inches, 1.75 ounces) Maternity clothes?: Not yet... though my clothes are feeling a bit snug lately Sleep?: Sleeping on my side just fine except for the occasional bathroom break Best moment of the week?: Letting the news out to family and friends! Movements?: Nope Food Cravings?: Not really... though I love fruit! But, it's summer and I've always loved summer fruit. Aversions?: Orange juice... but it can be tolerated now. What I miss?: Margaritas, sushi (though I rarely ate it before pregnancy) What I'm looking forward to?: The maternity pants I just ordered to arrive in the mail! Anything else?: Not much. I've had an occasional back pain on my right side, but it's sporadic.
What's going on this week?: I wouldn't say a whole lot! I just finished grading for the MA course I taught and I am officially in summer mode. The weather has been insane... thunderstorms and tornado warnings were the excitement of yesterday. The bandage from my surgery has finally been removed for good and I must be cautious to cover it in the sun or it will turn, as my dermatologist said, porcelain white. Hm, no thanks on that one! We're having a date night tonight which usually means Chipotle and a Target trip. :) It's all about the little things, isn't it? I added a baby widget to the top of the blog and a poll on the gender at the right. We have about a month before we have our 20-week ultrasound where we find out the gender! As of now, we don't care what God will bless us with. We are just rooting for a healthy baby who likes to sleep a lot. Wishful thinking, perhaps. Though, the healthy wish is really sincere.
I wondered, “Should I write about something so personal? Something so sensitive? Something that makes me admit to the world and all its people that I am imperfect and feel pain? Something that made me cry tears until I wailed and tears that hurt so much that they wouldn’t even come out?”
Yes.
You see, I have this responsibility now. Not only do I view the Internet as a body of knowledge, but I feel it’s important to contribute to that body and share. I feel that talking about something so personal is just what someone else may need out there in the world. I find it imperative to be informative and stand from rooftops begging my friends, family, and complete strangers to take care of themselves.
Cancer comes in all forms. While mine is perhaps the most mild of cases, it was still enough to shock this 27-year-old. I mean, I’m twenty-seven. That’s barely old enough to figure out my place in life. Even scarier, if it had been detected sooner, I would have been diagnosed with cancer at 24. Twenty-four is really young.
To think… when I met the love of my life, cancer was just starting to form. When I received my first diamonds during the best weekend of my life (and my students won the Sportsmanship award during our track meet I coached…outside), it was there. During our engagement, it was there. On the day I married my best friend, it was there. During our most amazing month of road-tripping across the US, it was there. And during our entire 6 months of Germany and traveling… it was there then too. It’s interesting how life can be so fulfilling and everything I had ever imagined without even knowing that I would find out some terrible news about that darn spot that appeared.
I grew up in California and distinctly remember thinking that being tan was all the rage from about the age of 12. I was made fun of in middle school for being so “pale” when many of my friends were Hispanic or Asian. They had it easy; their skin was already naturally toned. I remember baking myself in the backyard and laying on rooftop decks with friends as we poured Banana Boat oil (with a minor SPF of 3) all over ourselves to attain that golden look. I remember going to tanning salons, purchasing the expensive lotions, burning myself, itching intensely from the dryness, and peeling away sunburns as if that was a normal thing to do. I was even orange at one point from tanning so much. Through my college years, tanning was still important to me. I laid on the beach for 8-10 hours at a time during warm summer days with no regard to what damage I could be causing the skin that never forgets.
Then, I had a wake up call last year. Someone very close to me underwent Mohs surgery to have two moles removed that could potentially turn cancerous. That year, I made an appointment to see my first dermatologist. He checked my entire body and explained that the dark, flat spots are especially the ones to watch. No problem, I thought. I walked out thinking I was safe and invincible, still. My cancer was there, visible, but still undetected.
In late May of this year, I set an appointment for my second Dermatology visit here in the Chicago area. I actually had full intentions of having a bump on my face removed. It was a flesh-colored bump, perfectly round, and had been there for about 3 years that I could remember. I asked her to remove it (just because I didn’t like it) and she was alarmed enough with my story to take a biopsy of the small bump. At this point, she had removed nearly all of what was seen by the naked eye. Just six days later, I received a phone call. I knew that was bad news. No one ever calls if everything is alright, I thought.
When I called back, I was told that the spot was actually called Basal Cell Carcinoma. It’s a very slow-moving form of skin cancer that often affects the neck and face. It usually occurs in older adults, though it’s not proven entirely because the younger generation is not as current about their dermatology visits. There are over 1 million cases reported every year and they’re generally not deadly. I was told that I needed to undergo Mohs surgery within the next couple weeks. They explained that the surgery would be done in their office and they would cut the cancer out in stages, until all of the cancer has been removed. After each stage, doctors would look under a microscope to see the exact areas in which the cancer was apparent. You can have 10 sessions in one day, or sometimes just one. Once the surgery is over (done entirely with topical anesthetic shots), they stitch the area or find a more suitable way to close the wound.
I had cancer. CANCER. There are cancers of all kinds, but being able to say, out loud, that I had cancer…excruciating. I felt diseased, infected, contagious. It feels like a violation and it doesn’t feel fair… but it’s not really fair to anyone. I guess I could say that I had {luckily}, the little "c" instead of a big "c".
I went in to have the surgery done on June 1, 2010. Being scared probably doesn’t even sum up how I was feeling on that chair. I have had surgery before, but nothing life threatening. I had elective eye surgery the year prior (June 2009), wisdom teeth removal like most adults, and about 10 teeth pulled as a child prior to braces. I’ve never broken a bone and I’ve never had stitches. I would classify all my surgeries as mild and normal until this point. So, the idea of having stitches scared me. The thought of having my skin cut scared me also.
But, when there are no options, you must follow the path of responsibility. My path meant having surgery to remove something hazardous from my body.
Currently, I’m in a state of recovery. The surgery was (honesty) more intense than I imagined. The actual bump was less than a centimeter in diameter, but the incision was at least 10-15 times wider and deeper than what was visible on my skin prior to June 1. I had about 12 stitches on my face and ¾ inch scar that will remind me of this experience. I don’t really care about the scar. I just care that I am safe from harm.
I am vowing to never tan my skin again, wear sunscreen like it’s a religion, invest in hats, sit in the shade, and be proactive with my health. Believe it or not, that last bit is the hardest of all. Sometimes I don’t want to know that there’s something wrong with me. It’s so much easier to live life without fear and angst than to live with knowing that something is wrong. But, God has given these doctors wisdom and skill.
I now feel that I am allergic to the sun—like I will melt if I am under the rays for more than a minute’s time. I know I’ll heal internally as well as externally, but it’s not something easily forgotten.
These photos are a documentary of my life from the past 5 years. Once I found out about the cancer, I dug into my photos to see if I could spot when the cancer started to appear. Here is what I found. Focus on directly next to my left eye. Click on the photo for an enlarged picture. Click once more to have it enlarged even further.
2005, nothing. Not even a dot.
2006... it appears a discoloration and a tiny, itty-bitty bump is starting to form.
Who would've thought that while taking engagement photos, I was documenting the formation of something that would later cause me sadness?
2008 and full-blown spot. See it? Though small, the angle of this photo doesn't even require an expansion.
Wedding day. Yep. There, too. It's a reverse image through the mirror next to my left eye.
Traveling the world with a secret I knew nothing about!
I trust that you will take care of yourself as well. Have bodily exams done yearly at the dermatologist. Be informed. Be bold. Buy sunscreen. Being tan is not cool, it’s hazardous. Your skin never forgets, has a lasting memory, and our actions can affect us later.
I’ll end with what the doctor told me just after he completed my surgery: “The good news is that signs of skin damage can be reversed. Your skin doesn’t forget, but it can be treated if you make good decisions, get regular checkups, and take care of yourself.”
Sure, I found that what he meant was a $2,000 chemical peel on my face and being insane about sunscreen use for the rest of my life… but at least there is hope.
My husband has a problem. He likes hats a lot, but seems to have hat tragedies that somehow result in the loss of his beloved hat. Then, he moves on to another and before long... that one's a goner too!
Exhibit A: Circa 2006, pre-dating. I actually stole this photo from a friend's computer (thanks Jen!) because I had a crush on this guy. But, about the hat... I've never even (physically) seen the hat! It must've bit the dust before I came into the picture.
This would be our second date in May 2006. This Carhartt hat didn't stand a chance. We went to Magic Mountain (Six Flags, depending where you are in the country... everyone calls it a different name) and it was promptly lost on the log ride 5 months later.
Yet another hat that no longer can be found in our collection. It's December of 2006 and raining at the Manhattan Beach pier in Cali.
This was the best weekend of our lives (May 2007). I was sporting some new diamond earrings from my incredible boyfriend and he was sporting his "married" hat. He called it that because I purchased the hat and no single guy would ever wear it. Ha. This one took a disappearing act sometime later in the year. He hiked Mt. Whitney with it on and that is the last we've seen of it. It wins the award for longest lasting.
Ah, one of the many Pictage hats. Pictage is where he worked in LA after leaving the Air Force. Ironically, we're visiting the Air Force Academy in this photo during the summer of 2008. There were many of these hats and I believe my mom even lost one in Big Bear later that year as we flew across the water in their speed boat.
We stopped off at Bourbon Street in New Orleans after James & Carrie's wedding in Pensacola December of 2008. Here's a white Air Force hat that has been lucky enough to hang around, though it's probably because he doesn't really like white hats. It is rarely worn, hence has a longer staying power.
During Christmas of 2008, we both acquired new hats. This time, the L.L. Bean hat has lights. My mom thought it would come in handy. It actually has! This one is still with us because it's only usually worn on special occasions (aka: in the complete dark when a flashlight is unavailable).
During the summer of 2009, we visited Canada. Here we are in Jasper hanging out on a glacier. This hat is another "Life is Good" hat (just like the "married" hat) but this time it's blue with a fish on the front. Apparently the fish is more manly than a runner. We have no idea how it disappeared, but it's a goner.
Finally... this is the last hat we've purchased and seen disappear. We went to a soccer game in Germany during December of 2009. This hat didn't even leave Germany with us when we departed 3 months later. It was gone that fast. This one was left on an airplane and never to be seen again.
Now... I'm sure you all can sense my frustration and feelings of here we go again when I see my husband trying on new hats (as I did in the store just today!). Perhaps we need that new Blackhawks hat? I may only allow for it if they actually win the Stanley Cup. :)
Does anyone have any solutions to the hat disappearing act we've been dealing with for years now?
{This entire post written with humor and sarcasm. Please don't be concerned that I'm really upset about hats. I just felt a picture documentary to be appropriate and... well... funny.}
Random, right? Well, basically the way I update the blog is entirely based on what's inside my camera. Luckily, there are a few exciting things to share. Perhaps they're more exciting to us...
These are the chairs we chose for our table! We bought them and they're being delivered Friday... all 10.
I think those who are familiar with Kincaid's restaurant (I worked there all through college) will figure out what this is. If not... I'll tell you. I bought a shredded package of asiago cheese at the deli counter and spread it on a cookie sheet. I baked the cheese --alone-- for about 15-20 on 350 degrees until it was browned throughout. Kincaid's served a palm-sized piece on each caesar salad they served--and people raved about them.
But, that's not the best part of this experience. This is where it gets real.
The funny thing... this happened on a Friday night. Ray went to play ultimate frisbee at the park down the street (happens every Friday with a bunch of our friends) and was heading back to our house to come get me before heading to a friend's house for game night. Well, one of our friends came over to shower before we headed over for game night. The whole time I'm thinking how awful our house must smell to him! Being in a house for the first time, you smell new scents anyway. But, our house smells like CHEESE! I brought it up and apologized for the rank smell in our house. He told us that he thought we had CATS! I can't stand cats and would never personally want them in our house... but it's funny that the scent of cheese can be compared to the scent of cats. Ha. Regardless, the asiago crisps were delicious and we had them with our caesar salads the next night.
We experienced the glory of Portillo's. Of course, Ray is the only one to experience the Chicago dog, complete with little green peppers. I had a surprisingly good croissant sandwich with veggies and yummy fries. We also hear their chocolate cake is great. To be determined soon...
Bunnies, bunnies, everywhere! They're all over the map around here lately and on this day, they invaded our front yard. We normally see 1-2 in our backyard throughout the day, but on this day, they were quite daring.
Random. Look at the difference between cars and small trucks!? Yikes. As seen about 2 miles from our house.
Last week, I took a solo drive down south to Greenville College. I have been co-teaching a MA course in teaching (and technology) with a friend and colleague from my MA program at Pepperdine. I've been the virtual instructor teaching via Adobe Connect with video. This past week were their presentations. I made the 270-mile drive down south and experienced what is southern Illinois. I was about 25 miles from the center of St. Louis, Missouri before heading back north after the night of presentations. They were great. I really enjoyed the innovation that these students brought to teaching and it made me really appreciative of my opportunity to share my experiences and expertise in teaching with technology throughout the course. Here are a few sights to be seen on the trip down the I-55 south.
Here's a massive thunderstorm I was driving into. Just as I drove into this mess, I saw incredible lightning, thunder, and the most intense downpour I've ever felt in my life. It was SO bad that nearly every car on the interstate pulled over and turned on their flashers-- on the interstate! I joined the crowd, pulled over, and then trekked on when I felt it was safe.
Speaking of thunderstorms, I've never experienced thunderstorms like this in my life. At 2:30 a.m. (this morning), I woke up to thunder that was so intense our house shook as if there were an earthquake in progress. The lightning was non-stop and flashes of the brightest light were seen about every single second for 15 minutes straight. They're insane... and I'm not sure I'll ever get used to them!
Spotted! I was told these only existed in the west... I surely did not eat there, but I thought it was fun to see something I was so familiar with back home in California.
...and there's the update of our lives for the past week or so. Ray has been busy pulling up rotten boards from our deck that he plans to replace, power wash, and re-stain. I've been subbing a ton but since schools are finishing up for the year, all I have to look forward to is the grading of half of 204 projects just turned in for that MA course. I'll have a few things keeping me busy.
On a more personal note... I'm having surgery tomorrow on my skin. Use sunscreen, people! Any of your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated as I go under the knife. I'll be okay and I'm thankful for doctors and my own intuition when it comes to my body. Reality is that life can be hard... I'll update with progress and healing as it moves along! Last year around this time, I was undergoing elective Lasik surgery that ended up being one of the best decisions I've ever made! This year, same month, I'm experiencing something entirely different. Being thoughtful, but thankful.
SoCal girl + East Coast boy. Travelers. Currently living in Scottsdale, AZ by way of Reno, Chicago, Germany and Los Angeles. Parents. Andrew born still at 38w5d, Benjamin born living at 37w & Claire born just in time at 36w. Living the incomplete American dream of 3-1.
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