The Motherland Visits

We spent a chunk of time in California this month. I'm sorry I didn't contact all my California friends, but it's just tricky when the goal is to spend time with my family and I saw just about all of you when we were out last in October... Though I was thinking of you all...

The husband was away in Germany on business and that left me with an entire week to escape to the Motherland where it practically rains good Mexican food. Three cheers to that.

We had a nice time hanging out and relaxing. Not a lot to speak on, just lots of love and family time. So I'll leave it to the pictures and a little bit of commentary.

We spent some time at the Long Beach Aquarium where Benjamin was not nearly as interested in the animals as he was the people. Like most places we go... but it was special to spend that time together.

I think the highlights were splashing the water (that animals live in) and playing at the splash pad where he kept shoving away a little girl who wanted to press the button he was guarding.

My brother and his wife came to have dinner with us one night and that was really nice. Otherwise, you're looking at Benjamin going through the doggy door and putting lots of things in his mouth... whether or not those are acceptable items to eat.

Chasing the kitty who has since passed away - outside in the garden with Grandma - out to lunch with Grandpa, Grandma & Mom - hanging out with Alison & Scotty - park with Grandma - staredown at lunch with Grandpa - first coin ride in a Batmobile - Thrifty ice cream! - riding on Grandpa's back

One of the days, we headed to the Earl Burns Miller Japanese Garden where we had our wedding reception nearly 5 years ago. We fed the Koi fish there, walked around, tried to touch the ducks, and stood on the bridge where we had our first dance & ate our first dinner as a married couple (Mexican food in a Japanese garden! We're so cultured!).

Two weeks later, we headed back to California with the whole family this time. Phew. I needed someone to help me wrangle the kiddo into a nap. He gets a C for the trip to California and a B- for the return flight. Hah. This time, we flew into San Diego and stayed at the Park Hyatt Aviara Resort in Carlsbad where Ray had business meetings and such. The grandparents came down again and hung out with B so we could have not one, but two date nights! Well, they were business dinners, but still! Most of the time even business dinners are spent wrangling the baby.

How cute is it that he walks to Dad with his hands out? Swoon. First time using the new swim diaper. And that rashguard? 24 months! I may have a small fry, but he's killing it in these outfits!

We visited a place called Canine Companions as an excursion through the business networking meetings and B was quite enamored by the bunnies they had at the facility. He even poked one in the eye. Other photos show our balcony, the hotel lobby, an F-18 we checked out at the Miramar Marine Corps Base where we had dinner in the Officer's Club, and Pizza Port in Carlsbad (that one's for you, Alison! Though we ate at Las Olas instead...).

We're back in the Midwest and wouldn't you know... we have no plans to leave anytime soon... err... well... until the end of the month when we go to Ohio with B's other set of grandparents and Aunt Samantha! But no plane tickets are booked for any future trips. I know, can you even believe it?

Spring Scents

I've been really busy, you guys. I'm really trying to finish up this dresser and it's taking all of my naptime to get it done, which means we've been living off frozen food. Don't judge me.

Unrelated, the last few days I've been thinking about how my house smells. Okay, weird. I get it.

We've lived in this house just over 3 years now. When we moved in, I remember walking in to a new scent. It felt like new and that's just what it was (Well, to us. Our house is older than we are.).

Eventually, it became a regular scent and one I associated with us. It was the comfort of home and one we added to over time with new soaps, cleaning, plants, paint, etc.

However, with the weather changing and Chicago seeing temps between 70-80 degree (!), that scent has returned. It smells like it did when we moved in and when I was newly pregnant with Andrew. We've all heard about the sense of smell being among the strongest to connect us with memories. Being pregnant with Andrew, my sense of smell was immensely heightened-- even more than my pregnancy with Benjamin.

Winter was over and spring was in full bloom when we moved in. I fully believe that seasons cause your home to smell differently. I don't know if it's because of the temperature outside and how the sun hits down, but it smells different in the spring. Not just because of pollen in the air and flowers blooming. 

This new home smell makes me think of being pregnant with Andrew so much. 

I miss everything about spring three years ago.

Black and White

You'll never see one of those photos on Instagram posted by me. And I'll never have another one printed.

We have a large canvas print from our wedding in black and white that I love, but that was before. Before is okay, but this is after. Like two sides of a coin and definitely different people within us.

Before all things I knew were good all of a sudden turned upside-down, black and white photos were modern chic. They had edge to them and provided a sense of mystery to photos that left you wondering.

What color is that shirt?
Is that tulip white or yellow?
What color eyes do they have?

Your brain is left to the intriguing mystery and fantasy that the colors could be anything you want.

Andrew's photos were in black and white. For obvious reasons. And as much as I cherish/adore/love/hoard them, it saddens me that they are black and white. They're gorgeous. Taken by a professional photographer and touched up in probably so many places that it makes you wonder what the real baby looked like. Well, except us. We know exactly what that gorgeous baby looked like.

They do look like him, except the color. Of course the color. It's as though the obvious choice to print in black and white helps conceal imperfect skin coloring... but more vividly adds the mystery of the unknown about a baby sadly unknown. And it's hard to forget the notion that things are quite black and white when it comes to the reality of loss. That things are not colorful or cheery. They're black, white, gray, permanent. Their lack of color somehow symbolizes the permanence of losing him.

In June, he would be blowing out the candles on his half-birthday cake. A boy standing tall at the age of 2.5 years. What a joy that would be to see the boy he should become. At well over 2 years after losing him, it still brings me to my knees. Maybe not so often, but still painfully so.

Rainbow Friends & Foodie Resolution #13 of 52: Hummus

We recently had a visit from a fellow BLM to the Chi suburbs. She brought along her daughter and Benjamin had a playdate with a little girl his age! It's not often little girls come around, as our suburb is saturated with little boys Benjamin's age.

I've been totally slacking on my recipes lately and I have about 400 excuses why I haven't posted any, but I still have the desire to complete 52 new recipes this year. We'll see about that when I have more time. This dresser refinishing and traveling paired with the husband being out of town a lot has really cut down on my free time.

But, when Teresa came over, I did make some caramelized onion & Weber BBQ sauce grilled cheese sandwiches with a parmesan crust on French bread. So I mean, I'm still eating well. That's not a concern. Though the stock of frozen pizzas in our freezer is getting dangerously low and that's usually is a tell for how busy we've been.

While Teresa was here, we talked about food because she's also a foodie like me. She mentioned they make hummus frequently. I told her I'd never made hummus. Hours after she left, I was in my kitchen giving it a go.

Success. First pictures of babies, then food. In order of importance and deliciousness, clearly.

Hummus recipe was straight from the Blendtec recipe book. It just so happened that I had all the ingredients!

It was tasty! The consistency was quite thick, which is how I like my hummus. The entire batch had only 1 TBSP of olive oil, so it was quite healthy as well. Next time, I might experiment with roasted red peppers as an addition, and I'll definitely make the tahini first, because I can still see a few sesame seeds that were not ground completely in the blend.

Worst One to Date

And I'm not talking about the weather. Well, that did have something to do with it.

I spent a week with my parents recently and Benjamin slept in a pack 'n' play. Without the Snuza or Angelcare monitor. Just a noise monitor when I was out of the room. We shared a room for sleeping which I don't necessarily recommend if you're a paranoid mom with a kid who rolls around approximately 3,498 times each night. But you know what? Those movements always let me know he's okay, so I am okay with losing sleep.

We came back home and resumed our Angelcare monitoring, as we've been doing since we transitioned him to the crib at 3.5 months. He'll be 14 months this week.

Just two nights ago, my husband mentioned (after a few repeated false alarms) that he might be okay with cutting off the movement monitor and just sticking with sound (of which we turn off anyway because we can hear him just fine in the next room over).

And then it was yesterday. The day of crazy flooding in my town. A town they featured on the news multiple times. My town is very small. It's a huge suburb, sure, but the town itself is not huge. Flooding all over the place and devastation everywhere. We were lucky, but still didn't escape losing sleep over what could have been much more disastrous. If we were not up at crazy hours mitigating the situation, we may have been in way more trouble.

In the midst of it all, I noticed the Angelcare monitor hangy ball (technical term... or pendulum if you want to get all bourgy on me) was gone. Disappeared. Well, so had part of the numbers indicating the temperature in his room. We have two monitors but this one seems to hate us. In that moment, my heart started beating rapidly, despite understanding that even though the display is malfunctioning that the monitor itself was still working.

It was 8:30 a.m. at this point and we were handling buckets and slamming things nonstop to prevent our basement from going under, yet our very light sleeping baby was still not awake from the racket. Worst storm in 16 years. A 24-hour period of nonstop thunderstorms brought down nearly 7 inches on our region and 8 inches is the record of monthly rainfall ever. We nearly got that in one day. To say this was insane is not sugar-coating. People were in boats and swimming in the park across the street, people. I think that Chicago hates us.

My wonderful husband told me that he'd go upstairs with me to check on him. I knew he told me that because we were both afraid that we'd come face-to-face with another tragedy. Seeing another one of our children slip through our fingers. I told him not to come with me because his feet were gross from trudging around outside in the sloshing mud.

I walked in and saw a baby sleeping on his belly, passed out. I can't use the term out cold nonchalantly anymore because omg, I know what it's like to have a child literally out cold. I've touched and held his cold skin. I looked at his face, shook him and saw that his eyes were open and looked glazed. While I never did see Andrew's eyes, I know that people often pass with their eyes open. Or at least that's how television portrays things.

No response. Limp. I shook him some more and then grabbed him. His head went limp and finally he looked at me lethargically and waved.

He waved. He does love to wave.

Then I knew he was alive, but you guys. After 12 hours of sleep, or even 2 hours, this kid usually pops right up from deep sleep and stands in his crib like he's in basic training or something at the sound or sight of any noise or light. Hence the blackout shades.

I know that the crazy storm and our insane lack of sleep contributed to my freakout, but this has to be my worst PTSD moment to date.

I think I'll keep the Angelcare monitor on him until he graduates high school.